and now...
I've been swamped at work, so I haven't had as much time as I'd like to process this weekend, but I'm generally still feeling glad that I went (and glad that - for the most part - I will probably never see most of those people ever again). The friend that escorted me was so exquisitely the perfect companion for this. I've known Jay since 4th grade. He kept up with me even when I was flaky, and my relationship with him has always been platonic.
Given that this asinine cult that my father belonged to was all the 'take your clothes off'-ness of naturism but none of the 'remove the demands and expectations of sexuality from the freedom of being naked' of naturism, there was an uncomfortable sexual energy to the event. I realized in the middle of it that none of those people could have the friendship that I have with Jay. None of them could feel the safety and affection that I have with Jay, because some of the safety that I feel with him is the fact that he and I have never had a sexual relationship. I have fabulous friendships with some of my exes, but there's always that layer of familiarity. That's great in those circumstances... but there's something a little more pure about my friendship with Jay. And I found myself transitioning from being disgusted with these people at the ceremony, to feeling sorry for them.
I'm sure I'll have more later, but I know I want to somehow claim this feeling about my friendship with Jay. I know I want to come back to it at some point because I don't think I've ever done a sufficient job of telling him this. And death, no matter who dies, reminds anyone of the need to claim the important stuff.
Given that this asinine cult that my father belonged to was all the 'take your clothes off'-ness of naturism but none of the 'remove the demands and expectations of sexuality from the freedom of being naked' of naturism, there was an uncomfortable sexual energy to the event. I realized in the middle of it that none of those people could have the friendship that I have with Jay. None of them could feel the safety and affection that I have with Jay, because some of the safety that I feel with him is the fact that he and I have never had a sexual relationship. I have fabulous friendships with some of my exes, but there's always that layer of familiarity. That's great in those circumstances... but there's something a little more pure about my friendship with Jay. And I found myself transitioning from being disgusted with these people at the ceremony, to feeling sorry for them.
I'm sure I'll have more later, but I know I want to somehow claim this feeling about my friendship with Jay. I know I want to come back to it at some point because I don't think I've ever done a sufficient job of telling him this. And death, no matter who dies, reminds anyone of the need to claim the important stuff.