El Loco Ocho
Last Wednesday we had to say goodbye to Gina. Now without the resident rocker, this season can finally begin to be less phony and lame…no…nevermind, Blake is still here. So we start this week with a shot of the cast of Fox’s new hopeful-yet-doomed dramatic comedy “Drive” who are sitting in the audience. Have a good time you guys, cuz by the time the finale of “American Idol” comes around your show will already be cancelled. Ryan introduces the band (all dressed in a feisty shade of red) and the judges.
We are told that this week is Latin week and our guest mentor is….Jennifer “I’m Real” Lopez!? Her standard suck up video has like thirty shots of her dancing around wearing nothing while cooing along with overpowering percussion. Ryan claims that she has many talents, claiming that she is a popular singer and that she has a “prolific” acting career…yeah if “prolific” means “laughably consisting of poorly developed roles in poorly written films except for Selena which was only good because it was before J.Lo started acting like she was hot shit”. Ryan then says that her new album (it’s something in Spanish) stays true to her Latin roots…I’m all like, “bitch, either you’re hot, sexy, ethnic Latina, or you’re a tough homegirl from the Bronx…I don’t care if your both, the dual images aren’t working for you!”
Ryan then actually does something cute and tells us that Jennifer Lopez was excited to meet the top ocho. Heee! Selena is totally jazzed to meet the top ocho and blathers on about how great they all are…but then claims that she has favorites and I shake my head in shame at the fact that she is meant to be a fair and just mentor to these hopeless hopefuls and she is openly admitting that she likes some (Lakisha, Melinda, Jordin) more than others (Haley, Phil, not Lakisha). After some more bullshit where J.Lo pretends to know anything about music…it’s time for…
Melinda Do-Lots
She is going to be singing some song called “Sway”. I don’t know it, but J.Lo sure pretends to (and she sang it too!...in Spanish!!!) Like everyone else in the world she loves Melinda, but thought that she displayed a real “sexy” side of herself at which Melinda looks horrified and buries herself further in between her shoulders. She admits that her biggest challenge is being seductive and I feel kinda sick just thinking about Melinda trying to act like Haley/Antonella. She’s too wholesome and sweet! Stop trying to corrupt J.Ho!
She is wearing some sort of black dress that really shows off how awkward her body shape is. Her legs…are so long…like HALEY long. But her torso is soooo short, and her neck…well you know already. She just looks like a talented uncomfortable mess. She sings nice as always…if not a little boring. She tries to dance around and is kinda cute for a little bit.
Randy thought it was “solid”. He unnecessarily name-drops Celia Cruz. He pisses me off. Paula called her “sultry”, “nicely subtle” and “looks lovely”. I agree with the first two and only half agree with the last one…I mean, she looks like a dwarf! Damn I can’t get over that. Simon, GASP!!! didn’t like it. Like poor LaKisha three weeks ago, Melinda is thrown the “You’re toooo old” critique aka “I have nothing really critical to say to you, but at the risk of looking like I’m going soft, I will accuse you of something that really isn’t that valid of a comment in the first place”. The audience can’t handle a negative comment being thrown at not-Sanjaya/Haley/Phil so they bug out and scream while Melinda looks around terrified, her computing system not able to handle the overload of energy being thrust at her. Melinda then snaps back to reality and pulls some Lakisha out of her ass and says she’s glad that Simon finally got to say something mean, since he has a douchebag quota that he needs to meet. Ryan comes out, sexually harasses her and barfs out her numbers.
Lakisha
I love how this week’s show started off with the two best singers in the competition. During her J.Schmo video we are told that she will be singing that “Do That Congo” song that I think Gloria Estefan sang to the point of severe irritation. She doesn’t really have anything to say to Kee-Kee about the song itself and is resorted to showing her how to shake her ass.
Lakisha INITIALLY looks cute as she comes out in some fiery red dress…and then she turns around and we see that he dress is like three sizes too small and she is popping out in places in the back that are really not flattering. But who cares! She looks like a firecracker and starts the song dancing on the dive-off suicide stage scaring the hell out of the judges who fear for their lives as she struts about in sharp heels a mere foot away from their heads. I for one really enjoy the performance for three reasons: A) it’s Lakisha, so duh I love it…B) she is displaying a really new side of herself this week, singing a non-R&B song (for once) and…C) her dancing, while a little awkwardly is still incredibly cute and I love her even more. They is a one-second shot to Paula who is convulsing in her chair.
Randy thought she was having a good time and “welcomes her back” which I really don’t care. For the past three weeks he has said this comment and I’m all like “she hasn’t yet done a bad performance, you dope.” Paula soiled herself during the performance and after Simon refused to change her diaper she got all cranky, which she takes out on Kee-Kee by calling her “safe”. Whatever Paula. Simon thought it wasn’t fun at all and insulted her dancing. Whatever Simon. Lakisha laughs and, Ryan dumps out her numbers and Simon insinuates that Ryan likes to watch little boys dance…or something.
Chris “That’s How I Role” Richardson
Before introducing with interview with J.Blow, Ryan spews out every musician ever and claims that they will be performing at the American Idol Save the Universe Concert Foundation Extravaganza thing that’s happening sometime somewhere. Blah blah. During his interview, Selena tells us that Chris will be singing “Smooth” by Santana feat. Rob Thomas and I am actually quite excited. I would totally not have thought of anyone singing this song and I must say that I am pleasantly surprised. Gigli actually displays a minor basis of musical knowledge by suggesting that Chris try a higher key to sing in…and unlike every bit of criticism Pauls farts out, SHE’S RIGHT!
Chris starts the song very shaky and it seems for an instant that he is singing too low…but he fixes himself (kinda) and sings the song well (kinda). I dunno…it doesn’t really seem to go anywhere and he seems nervous throughout. Very restrained…hmmm, maybe it’s just the tight as red/black mesh shirt that he’s wearing. He looks good, which basically makes you a good singer (right Haley?) so I can’t hate too much.
Randy barks about how it was “really good”. Paula is all wet and shit and thought that it was supa’ sexy. Simon thought it was very contemporary (which in Simon language means good) and he is then cut off by the Oscar-cut off music. I don’t get it, even when he is being nice to the contestants he gets cut off. Whatever this show.
Antonella Scarnato
She’s singing “Turn the Beat Around” by G. Estefan (duh). J.Slow pulls a Paula and tells Antonella something that makes no sense: “bite the words” oh thanks Selena. Haley is jumping around like a freak and is all like “omg…On the 6 is totally my favorite album”. Out of nowhere Blake starts beat-boxing (damn him!) and the two girls swoon over him.
The lights go up and Haley is wearing the same “no-shorts” shorts that she has worn the past three weeks. You know, for someone that gets all bent out of shape when Simon criticizes for her lack of clothes, she sure insists on looking like a hussy each week. She is strutting around the stage (and into the audience) in heels and the pre-mentioned ass-shorts with some weird woven mesh black shirt that is really odd. Oh, and Gina did her makeup and hair this week, which explains why she looks especially horrifying. The singing? It’s not as terrible as usual, but that still doesn’t mean it’s good.
Randy cries karaoke. Paula said she had fun (?). Ryan calls her again on not wearing clothes and that she isn’t a good singer and that her sluttiness is what she is riding on.
Phil Stacey
Phil loves singing next to J.Flo! Why? Well cuz she is a great singer…duh! He will be singing that other less popular song by Santana “Maria, Maria” sung by Wycelf Jean. Selena claims that at one point he gave her goosebumps and says something about not being able to buy them…blah..blah, Phil is boring.
He comes out wearing a p!nk shirt, hideous brown jacket with too many non-functional buttons and a white paperboy cap. He looks the worst he ever has on this show. The performance is full of “uh-oh”s. First, there is a part in the song where the lyrics go… “blah…solo on guitar…blah…blah by Carlos Santana” at which point Santana lays down some sweet guitar licks. However, Santana couldn’t make it this week resulting in the guitarist in the band attempting the solo and fucking it up. Ha! And while I’m still reeling from that, Phil SEEMS to mess up the lyrics somehow and I am really confused, because he doesn’t blatantly fuck anything up, but it still seems like he gets lost in the song and adlibs. I dunno, maybe I just don’t remember the song correctly. At the end he tries to belt but instead screeches like a tortured bat.
Randy didn’t think it came together. Paula said it was aight. Simon says he is a nice guy (which is always a scary thing to hear Simon say for it often comes before a barrage of insults) and then says he isn’t original or a good singer. Ryan juggles Phil’s numbers while Phil grabs the mic and starts babbling about how his daughter has a stuffed cow that she calls Simon COWell and (in his head) Simon is like “it should be called Randy Jackson”.
Jordin Sparxxx
She will singing “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You”. ANOTHER GODDAMN G.ESTEFAN SONG. I mean, I know she is a Latin music icon, but Jesus! What about Enrique? Ricky? J.LO? You know, the REAL LATIN STAPLES. Selena blathers something about Michael Jackson…I actually didn’t listen so whatever.
Jordin comes out in black pants that really don’t do her any sort of good whatsoever. They’re terribly tight and really uncomfortable to look at. She is wearing some sort of Steve Irwin line of shirts for girls. Her singing is good, if maybe a little shaky. Why you nervous girl? You’re singing after Phil…nothing to be scared about. She makes some cute faces while singing and hits some strong notes. She plays off of the backup singers which I love…they totally deserve more recognition. Finally, Jordin proves why she deserves all those x’s as the end of her name by belting her heart out and basically just kicking ass.
There is a shot to the audience where a group of white people are claiming as the title “Jordin’s family” flashes underneath them and they are totally not the same people we have seen the past few weeks with that title. Randy says it was “the yo-factor of blast” which is dumber than anything Paula and J.Troll could ever come up with TOGETHER. Paula thought she was “adorable”…and by “adorable” she means “a blinding display of what not to wear on the show”. Simon thought it was ok…but not as good as usual…I’ll give him that.
Blake “Amber is the color of your energy” Lewis
Oh god…my biggest fear has come true. Someone thought it would be cute to sing a Mr. Jennifer Lopez song. Marc Anthony’s “I Need to Know” is totally on my list of my most despised songs, somewhere between Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” and Coldplay’s “Speed of Sound”. Selena tells him that he needs to feel the song and that he should basically flirt with everyone in the audience.
There is some terrible old lady safari hat on his head and I dunno what it is, but Blake looks a little paunchier than usually. He like has a beer belly this weekend which I never really notice before. He slides himself around the stage lifting his eyebrows and hitting every boring note right on pitch. He sounds alright, I can’t lie, but this song is just so pointless and monotonous that I really am not interested at all. He belts at the end and sounds a little like Adam Levine from Maroon 5, or Chris.
Randy thought it was the best song choice of the night and that it was “hot”. Paula thinks it was “hot” for other reasons and said it was “smart” and that it “captured his essence”…which means…singing decent covers of terrible songs originally performed by a RatMan? Simon said that “SO FAR” it was the best performance of the night. I’m all like “Simon…the only one left is Sanjaya, what do you mean ‘so far tonight’?”
Sanjaya “I’m Just Me” Malakar
Like every mentor this season, J.Glo was impressed with Sanjaya (which doesn’t mean shit since he is becoming more and more HATED by America each week). He will be singing some song no one knows that is in Spanish. During the middle of his singing, Selena blurts in and totally sings the rest of the song by herself. Ha! Sanjaya…you just got out-sung by JENNIFER LOPEZ!!! This is gonna be rough…
…but you know…it’s actually, kinda good!?!?! He is sitting on a stool with a normal haircut. He has some facial hair growing in which makes him for once look post-pubescent. He reminds me of a young Anwar Robinson. His fragile/diseased tone fits perfectly with how this song sounds and for once he sounds like an actually contestant in a singing contest. He gives a cute little smile into the camera at the end. A shot to the audience shows his sister (<3) and some gay guy from Hollywood Week freaking out at him not crashing and burning for once.
Randy is shocked and says it was “really good”. Paula thought it was “very nice”(!!) Simon insults him for not singing in English, but thought that it…wasn’t…HORRIBLE! Everyone bugs out cuz for once poor little gay Sanjaya won’t be skewered on live television. I love how if Melinda was told that she “wasn’t horrible” everyone would freak at the criticism…but for Sanjaya it is a welcome pseudo-compliment. Ryan pats his boy toy on the ass and slaps his numbers to America.
After a rather disappointly boring night, I would have to say that the bottom two should include…Antonella (duh) for not wearing pants…Phil (duh!!) for screeching like a banshee…and Chris Richardson for not being Rob Thomas…going home, Phil, cuz even though he sings better than Haley, he doesn’t have her legs.
We are told that this week is Latin week and our guest mentor is….Jennifer “I’m Real” Lopez!? Her standard suck up video has like thirty shots of her dancing around wearing nothing while cooing along with overpowering percussion. Ryan claims that she has many talents, claiming that she is a popular singer and that she has a “prolific” acting career…yeah if “prolific” means “laughably consisting of poorly developed roles in poorly written films except for Selena which was only good because it was before J.Lo started acting like she was hot shit”. Ryan then says that her new album (it’s something in Spanish) stays true to her Latin roots…I’m all like, “bitch, either you’re hot, sexy, ethnic Latina, or you’re a tough homegirl from the Bronx…I don’t care if your both, the dual images aren’t working for you!”
Ryan then actually does something cute and tells us that Jennifer Lopez was excited to meet the top ocho. Heee! Selena is totally jazzed to meet the top ocho and blathers on about how great they all are…but then claims that she has favorites and I shake my head in shame at the fact that she is meant to be a fair and just mentor to these hopeless hopefuls and she is openly admitting that she likes some (Lakisha, Melinda, Jordin) more than others (Haley, Phil, not Lakisha). After some more bullshit where J.Lo pretends to know anything about music…it’s time for…
Melinda Do-Lots
She is going to be singing some song called “Sway”. I don’t know it, but J.Lo sure pretends to (and she sang it too!...in Spanish!!!) Like everyone else in the world she loves Melinda, but thought that she displayed a real “sexy” side of herself at which Melinda looks horrified and buries herself further in between her shoulders. She admits that her biggest challenge is being seductive and I feel kinda sick just thinking about Melinda trying to act like Haley/Antonella. She’s too wholesome and sweet! Stop trying to corrupt J.Ho!
She is wearing some sort of black dress that really shows off how awkward her body shape is. Her legs…are so long…like HALEY long. But her torso is soooo short, and her neck…well you know already. She just looks like a talented uncomfortable mess. She sings nice as always…if not a little boring. She tries to dance around and is kinda cute for a little bit.
Randy thought it was “solid”. He unnecessarily name-drops Celia Cruz. He pisses me off. Paula called her “sultry”, “nicely subtle” and “looks lovely”. I agree with the first two and only half agree with the last one…I mean, she looks like a dwarf! Damn I can’t get over that. Simon, GASP!!! didn’t like it. Like poor LaKisha three weeks ago, Melinda is thrown the “You’re toooo old” critique aka “I have nothing really critical to say to you, but at the risk of looking like I’m going soft, I will accuse you of something that really isn’t that valid of a comment in the first place”. The audience can’t handle a negative comment being thrown at not-Sanjaya/Haley/Phil so they bug out and scream while Melinda looks around terrified, her computing system not able to handle the overload of energy being thrust at her. Melinda then snaps back to reality and pulls some Lakisha out of her ass and says she’s glad that Simon finally got to say something mean, since he has a douchebag quota that he needs to meet. Ryan comes out, sexually harasses her and barfs out her numbers.
Lakisha
I love how this week’s show started off with the two best singers in the competition. During her J.Schmo video we are told that she will be singing that “Do That Congo” song that I think Gloria Estefan sang to the point of severe irritation. She doesn’t really have anything to say to Kee-Kee about the song itself and is resorted to showing her how to shake her ass.
Lakisha INITIALLY looks cute as she comes out in some fiery red dress…and then she turns around and we see that he dress is like three sizes too small and she is popping out in places in the back that are really not flattering. But who cares! She looks like a firecracker and starts the song dancing on the dive-off suicide stage scaring the hell out of the judges who fear for their lives as she struts about in sharp heels a mere foot away from their heads. I for one really enjoy the performance for three reasons: A) it’s Lakisha, so duh I love it…B) she is displaying a really new side of herself this week, singing a non-R&B song (for once) and…C) her dancing, while a little awkwardly is still incredibly cute and I love her even more. They is a one-second shot to Paula who is convulsing in her chair.
Randy thought she was having a good time and “welcomes her back” which I really don’t care. For the past three weeks he has said this comment and I’m all like “she hasn’t yet done a bad performance, you dope.” Paula soiled herself during the performance and after Simon refused to change her diaper she got all cranky, which she takes out on Kee-Kee by calling her “safe”. Whatever Paula. Simon thought it wasn’t fun at all and insulted her dancing. Whatever Simon. Lakisha laughs and, Ryan dumps out her numbers and Simon insinuates that Ryan likes to watch little boys dance…or something.
Chris “That’s How I Role” Richardson
Before introducing with interview with J.Blow, Ryan spews out every musician ever and claims that they will be performing at the American Idol Save the Universe Concert Foundation Extravaganza thing that’s happening sometime somewhere. Blah blah. During his interview, Selena tells us that Chris will be singing “Smooth” by Santana feat. Rob Thomas and I am actually quite excited. I would totally not have thought of anyone singing this song and I must say that I am pleasantly surprised. Gigli actually displays a minor basis of musical knowledge by suggesting that Chris try a higher key to sing in…and unlike every bit of criticism Pauls farts out, SHE’S RIGHT!
Chris starts the song very shaky and it seems for an instant that he is singing too low…but he fixes himself (kinda) and sings the song well (kinda). I dunno…it doesn’t really seem to go anywhere and he seems nervous throughout. Very restrained…hmmm, maybe it’s just the tight as red/black mesh shirt that he’s wearing. He looks good, which basically makes you a good singer (right Haley?) so I can’t hate too much.
Randy barks about how it was “really good”. Paula is all wet and shit and thought that it was supa’ sexy. Simon thought it was very contemporary (which in Simon language means good) and he is then cut off by the Oscar-cut off music. I don’t get it, even when he is being nice to the contestants he gets cut off. Whatever this show.
Antonella Scarnato
She’s singing “Turn the Beat Around” by G. Estefan (duh). J.Slow pulls a Paula and tells Antonella something that makes no sense: “bite the words” oh thanks Selena. Haley is jumping around like a freak and is all like “omg…On the 6 is totally my favorite album”. Out of nowhere Blake starts beat-boxing (damn him!) and the two girls swoon over him.
The lights go up and Haley is wearing the same “no-shorts” shorts that she has worn the past three weeks. You know, for someone that gets all bent out of shape when Simon criticizes for her lack of clothes, she sure insists on looking like a hussy each week. She is strutting around the stage (and into the audience) in heels and the pre-mentioned ass-shorts with some weird woven mesh black shirt that is really odd. Oh, and Gina did her makeup and hair this week, which explains why she looks especially horrifying. The singing? It’s not as terrible as usual, but that still doesn’t mean it’s good.
Randy cries karaoke. Paula said she had fun (?). Ryan calls her again on not wearing clothes and that she isn’t a good singer and that her sluttiness is what she is riding on.
Phil Stacey
Phil loves singing next to J.Flo! Why? Well cuz she is a great singer…duh! He will be singing that other less popular song by Santana “Maria, Maria” sung by Wycelf Jean. Selena claims that at one point he gave her goosebumps and says something about not being able to buy them…blah..blah, Phil is boring.
He comes out wearing a p!nk shirt, hideous brown jacket with too many non-functional buttons and a white paperboy cap. He looks the worst he ever has on this show. The performance is full of “uh-oh”s. First, there is a part in the song where the lyrics go… “blah…solo on guitar…blah…blah by Carlos Santana” at which point Santana lays down some sweet guitar licks. However, Santana couldn’t make it this week resulting in the guitarist in the band attempting the solo and fucking it up. Ha! And while I’m still reeling from that, Phil SEEMS to mess up the lyrics somehow and I am really confused, because he doesn’t blatantly fuck anything up, but it still seems like he gets lost in the song and adlibs. I dunno, maybe I just don’t remember the song correctly. At the end he tries to belt but instead screeches like a tortured bat.
Randy didn’t think it came together. Paula said it was aight. Simon says he is a nice guy (which is always a scary thing to hear Simon say for it often comes before a barrage of insults) and then says he isn’t original or a good singer. Ryan juggles Phil’s numbers while Phil grabs the mic and starts babbling about how his daughter has a stuffed cow that she calls Simon COWell and (in his head) Simon is like “it should be called Randy Jackson”.
Jordin Sparxxx
She will singing “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You”. ANOTHER GODDAMN G.ESTEFAN SONG. I mean, I know she is a Latin music icon, but Jesus! What about Enrique? Ricky? J.LO? You know, the REAL LATIN STAPLES. Selena blathers something about Michael Jackson…I actually didn’t listen so whatever.
Jordin comes out in black pants that really don’t do her any sort of good whatsoever. They’re terribly tight and really uncomfortable to look at. She is wearing some sort of Steve Irwin line of shirts for girls. Her singing is good, if maybe a little shaky. Why you nervous girl? You’re singing after Phil…nothing to be scared about. She makes some cute faces while singing and hits some strong notes. She plays off of the backup singers which I love…they totally deserve more recognition. Finally, Jordin proves why she deserves all those x’s as the end of her name by belting her heart out and basically just kicking ass.
There is a shot to the audience where a group of white people are claiming as the title “Jordin’s family” flashes underneath them and they are totally not the same people we have seen the past few weeks with that title. Randy says it was “the yo-factor of blast” which is dumber than anything Paula and J.Troll could ever come up with TOGETHER. Paula thought she was “adorable”…and by “adorable” she means “a blinding display of what not to wear on the show”. Simon thought it was ok…but not as good as usual…I’ll give him that.
Blake “Amber is the color of your energy” Lewis
Oh god…my biggest fear has come true. Someone thought it would be cute to sing a Mr. Jennifer Lopez song. Marc Anthony’s “I Need to Know” is totally on my list of my most despised songs, somewhere between Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” and Coldplay’s “Speed of Sound”. Selena tells him that he needs to feel the song and that he should basically flirt with everyone in the audience.
There is some terrible old lady safari hat on his head and I dunno what it is, but Blake looks a little paunchier than usually. He like has a beer belly this weekend which I never really notice before. He slides himself around the stage lifting his eyebrows and hitting every boring note right on pitch. He sounds alright, I can’t lie, but this song is just so pointless and monotonous that I really am not interested at all. He belts at the end and sounds a little like Adam Levine from Maroon 5, or Chris.
Randy thought it was the best song choice of the night and that it was “hot”. Paula thinks it was “hot” for other reasons and said it was “smart” and that it “captured his essence”…which means…singing decent covers of terrible songs originally performed by a RatMan? Simon said that “SO FAR” it was the best performance of the night. I’m all like “Simon…the only one left is Sanjaya, what do you mean ‘so far tonight’?”
Sanjaya “I’m Just Me” Malakar
Like every mentor this season, J.Glo was impressed with Sanjaya (which doesn’t mean shit since he is becoming more and more HATED by America each week). He will be singing some song no one knows that is in Spanish. During the middle of his singing, Selena blurts in and totally sings the rest of the song by herself. Ha! Sanjaya…you just got out-sung by JENNIFER LOPEZ!!! This is gonna be rough…
…but you know…it’s actually, kinda good!?!?! He is sitting on a stool with a normal haircut. He has some facial hair growing in which makes him for once look post-pubescent. He reminds me of a young Anwar Robinson. His fragile/diseased tone fits perfectly with how this song sounds and for once he sounds like an actually contestant in a singing contest. He gives a cute little smile into the camera at the end. A shot to the audience shows his sister (<3) and some gay guy from Hollywood Week freaking out at him not crashing and burning for once.
Randy is shocked and says it was “really good”. Paula thought it was “very nice”(!!) Simon insults him for not singing in English, but thought that it…wasn’t…HORRIBLE! Everyone bugs out cuz for once poor little gay Sanjaya won’t be skewered on live television. I love how if Melinda was told that she “wasn’t horrible” everyone would freak at the criticism…but for Sanjaya it is a welcome pseudo-compliment. Ryan pats his boy toy on the ass and slaps his numbers to America.
After a rather disappointly boring night, I would have to say that the bottom two should include…Antonella (duh) for not wearing pants…Phil (duh!!) for screeching like a banshee…and Chris Richardson for not being Rob Thomas…going home, Phil, cuz even though he sings better than Haley, he doesn’t have her legs.