Cry, Cry Baby
Before I start this week's recap, I want to provide to you a link to the most awesome website in the world: http://idollogy.com/ . Every performance is uploaded here and offers easy access for you to indulge in repeated amounts of torture (I have watched "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Antonella "Playboy" Barba like fifteen times). So anyway, Brandon was eliminated last week after sucking massively and now we are down to the top 11. Tonight's theme was song from the British invasion and as the show opens up, Mr. Voted-Most-Likely-To-Stay-In-The-Closet-Until-He's-32 treats us to an obnoxiously long and exhaustive collection of footage of a bunch of bands that no one remembers. It's boring and long and I'm not patient enough to really pay attention. The Beatles are mentioned like three hundred times and then we're introduced to our GUEST STAR COUNSELING TUTORS! Yay. Two has-beens from decades ago have come to tell our top 11 how great they are before they send them off to butcher the classics. Peter "There's a Kind of Hush" Noone and this awesome firecracker of a midget Lulu have come to blather on with the idols and after we're told how crucial both performers are to the history of music, it's time for the death march to begin. We start tonight with...
...Haley "Belle of the Ball" Scarnato.
Boo. Her lame video starts off with LULU! asking her how she's doing and her responding with "I'm good" which is code for "I am shitting my pants cuz I literally raped music itself last week with my terrible rendition of 'Missing You' and I could and probably will be voted off within the next two shows). It's then revealed that Skanknato will be singing "Tell Him" which if I'm not mistaking is that song that no one actually likes that all Idol-hopefuls are forced to chirp along with during Hollywood Week...and then I hear her sing the first few notes and my fears are all validated. Not only is this the most campy and annoyingly sweet song in the history of the world, but Haley is singing it with her stupid delicate-as-a-ballerina voice; I am already rolling my eyes in disgust. LULU! says that Haley singing this crappy song is perfect (because both are sickingly sweet and nauseating). She then mentions staccato which I highly doubt Haley understands the meaning of. LULU! begins to sing the song, looks around like a devlish little mynx and basically turns this episode into her private showcase of her awesomeness. She then basically says that Haley doesn't have a Lakisha/Melinda kind of voice (aka good) but that there is room for everyone in this field...um I have to disagree. This show is obviously the most prestigious and selective forum for singing in the history of the world, and there is thankfully little room for crappy pseudo-decent singers (Brandon?), so in other words...this elevator to stardom can only fit three, and Haley there's no room for you.
Then comes the performance. As always I am expecting Haley to be wearing some overly elegant dress with maybe even a tiara propped upon her prim little head but then....BAM! Haley has taken a few pages out of Antonella's How-To-Steal-Votes-By-Being-A-Whore book. She's wearing an outfit that consists of what I guess are shorts but more look like a paper bag stapled around her waist, a shiny piece of fabric (that she probably found in Sanjaya's suitcase) that she has drapped over her chest and two dangling dabloons that sway from her tone-deaf ears. She looks like a pirate-hooker and she keeps making these suggestive faces and sitting down and crossing her legs. Her voice? Whatever...you can tell she is out of sync with the backup singers and as she once again murders music, I go out to move my car into the driveway.
When I come back, I expect the judges to be barbequing her over a burning pile of Sundance/Antonella Barba remains, but instead find, to my surprise...PRAISE? Randy blathers about how "Haley's back!" and I'm like...was she ever here in the first place? Paula says that Haley was a skank and flirted with the audience (and then put topless pictures of herself up on the internet). Thank God Simon exists to tell her that she was "shreaky" and that America is going to vote for her thanks largely to her shaking ass and her non-shirt. Before Ryan dishes out Haley's digits, he tries to make a smart ass remark to Simon about his girlfriend and Simon blows him off and I get all warm and cozy on the inside.
Chris Richardson
He sings "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" which is the most melodramatic song title I have ever heard (besides that Evanescence song "My Immortal"). He is pulling a Bo Bice/Chris Daughtry this week by featuring some black man playing a guitar with him on stage. I really like his performance and it's a great example of how a slow ballad can be quiet and subdued yet not boring as hell. His vocal runs dance around the melody but never get out of control and he ends the song with a beautiful falsetto that causes Paula to shout out "Yeah! Yeah!" before he is even done hitting the note.
Randy thought it was great and it showed a new side to him. Paula licks the ground in front of him. Simon thought it was contemporary (not in the annoying Blake way) though he says he tends to get a little nasally (in the annoying Nelly Furtado way) and that he needs to look out for that. Ryan flirts with him and then barfs out his numbers.
Fantasia "Stephanie Edwards" Barrino
Ok look...Stephanie is a good singer. She handles herself well on stage. She is wearing a simple sky-blue dress that fits her just right. She murdered the sister of the gypsy she killed last week for another pair of distracting chain earrings. All good things...but I dunno, she just doesn't stand out to me and I don't think she stands out to America either.
Randy says it was pitchy and says that she should only sing up-beat songs. Paula loves what she wore and says that it has "sex appeal" which doesn't make sense, cuz compared with Skanknato's hoochie suit, Stephanie looks like a nun. Simon says she is losing her soul and then throws around the "caberet performance" comment which I am still trying to decipher after three fucking seasons. Ryan tries to grind Stephanie's face in the negative comments the judges hurled at her. Randy then says that she needs to have more fun...blah blah...since she's 19. Wait. What? Am I the only one that was under the impression that she is like 27? Damn, I'm a bad judge of age.
Blake Lewis
The video opens with him and his blond highlights beatboxing (wow! that's different and not played out yet!). Peter No-One looks on in confused amazment (kind of like Diana Ross did last week) and pretends to get what the hell Blake is doing. He then makes an awkward comment that has something to do with Blake spitting on girls and how wonderful that is. I don't know...I just irrationally hate Blake.
Blake does some Michael Jackson dance moves, scats his voice and is actually not that bad. I keep on getting his voice confused with that of the background singers. He creeps out the front row (which all of a sudden is filled with girls?!) by constantly glaring at them and raising his dirrty eyebrows. The camera zooms out and you can see Paula shaking along with the song and looking nuts. When he's done the audience goes crazy (ug) and the judges praise the ground he walks on. I puke. Simon says that it's the best performance of the night, thus far...however, this is going to be shortly corrected in a minute with a performance by...
LaKisha "And I Am Telling You" Jones!!!!!
I recognize this song immediately as the sampled looped in that Kanye West song that was played on the radio twice. The lighting during Kee-Kee's performance is all glittery (like DIAMONDS!) and Lakisha looks smokin'. Her hair is teased like crazy, ears are decked out with DIAMONDS and her breasts mean business in that sexy green dress she is rocking. Eat your heart out Jennifer Hudson in the semi-finals three years ago! I really like this performance cuz unlike Stephanie's performance, it shows some sort of variation in LaKisha's repetoire. At one point she looks like Mandisa and I am scared for my life, but then LaKisha hits the RIGHT NOTES and I realize it isn't the whale from last season. LaKisha ends by going up octave and belts the fucking life out of me.
Randy thought it was ok, but say it wasn't his favorite. He says he didn't feel enough LaKisha in it and I'm all like, UH-UH! don't you dare try to fit Kee-Kee into a predictable performance box like you did with poor misguided Gina Glocksen. Paula says that she is smart cuz she is wearing diamonds (aka a logical Paula thing to say). Paula and Simon argue over how many diamonds she is wearing and then calls LaKisha old-fasioned. Then Ryans interviews her and she calls Paula ugly and turns Simon's lame-ass comments on their heads with a tidal wave of sass. Blah blah...everyone shut up, she was awesome. THE END.
Phil Stacey
Totally unfair to have poor alien Phil follow LaKisha...so sad cuz I know this is going to be rough and end with Phil screeching and running around the stage like a little boy dressing up as Chris Daughtry for Halloween. He is singing a song called "Tobacco Road"...ug no! I've never heard this song, but after like two bars of hearing it for the first time I can already tell that Phil shouldn't be touching it. Leave it for the Elliott Yamins and Bo Bices. Go away Phil.
He starts off looking very Daughtry-esque with his stupid bald head and his mic stand dancing. He goes sprinting across the stage quite a few times and actually hits some interesting notes but I am sure that he is still scarying the hell out of everyone in the audience with his bug-eyes that keep popping out of his skull and smacking everyone in the front row. Paula's jumping up and down like this was actually a great performance.
Randy thought it was ok, Paula is salivating so I know she likes it. There's a shot of Phil's wife in the audience. What does she see in him? Or maybe she can't see! How dare he take advantage of such a beautiful blind woman. Simon gives him the "Antonella-Barba-There's-Nothing-You-Can-Do-Cuz-You're-Just-Not-As-Good-As-Everyone-Else" speech and then Ryan blathers out his numbers and I can finally go back to giving two craps.
Jordin "Land Before Time" Sparks
Jordin loves LULU! and LULU! loves Jordin. LULU! begins to belt out some glottal growling and hits some ridiculous highnotes and I drop dead on the floor.
The song she is singing "I Who Have Nothing" and she looks incredibly elegant tonight with her hair straightened and a black slip on. She is incredibly poised at the mic and connects so well with this song that I felt like I was watching "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" by Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls all over again. Seriously, this girl sings the song with the heart and emotion it is supposed to be sung with. Unlike most cardboard cut-out American Idol performances, there is soul to this and Jording therefor must become my best friend.
Randy mentiones that she is 17 and I'm even more in love. There's a sign in the audience that says "High Marks for Sparks" and I smile. Paula grovels in her envy for Jordin. Simon threatens suicide due to the level of morbid emotion in the room and this girl in the front row with a terribly ugly necklace laughs her ass off. Ryan says that he like seeing Randy happy...is he usually not? That's like saying Paula needs to act more drunk/out-of-her-mind.
Sanjaya "Straight as the Yellow Brick Road" Malakar
And the performance starts. He sings "You Really Got Me" which is terrifying but not nearly as dreadful as Ryan Starr's terrible rendition from first season...
...
Anyway, Sanjaya is totally rock this week which is very strange. He is singing the song like how it's supposed to be sung...obnoxious, loud and without musicality. There is an absolutely petrified girl in the audience. I don't understand...who is she. Why is she crying like her family just got murdered in front of her? She is probably still crying from Phil's performance. Anyway, Sanjaya does some pretty nice growling belts near the end. I dunno...I like him as a person and I love his tone. This week he "came out of his shell" as Randy said but I don't think it showed off hime as a...uh singer. Simon mentions the crying little girl. Ryan forces Sanjaya to hug her. She is the cutest little girl in the entire world ever. I wish crying girl and LULU! would meet. That would be stellar.
Gina Glocksen
She is singing "Paint It Black". Predictable whatever. Gina says LULU! is a rocker girl at heart...shut up Gina. The performance starts off kind of cool with Gina singing low and quiet but then the tempo picks up and the whole thing becomes a mess. I dunno I think Gina suffers from the Diana DeGarmo frame of thought...that being loud=being a good singer. She just shouts out a lot and terrifies the entire audience. We are given a few shots of the awesome drummer whose arms are moving around like nuts.
Randy pigeon-holds her back into the "resident rocker" box. Paual says something I don't remember, cuz I am distracted by her huge Jolly Rancher jewlery that I'm noticing for the first time. Simon tells her it was torture to listen to and bitchslaps Paula as she disagrees. Gina looks genuinly upset like she is about to cry and for a minute I am upset for her. For a rocker chick, she sure is sensitive. Ryan asks her how she feels and then interrupts her the second she tries to talk.
Chris "Hate This Show" Sligh
The video with NoOne isn't interesting. Chris is gonna sing "She's Not There" which I am actually excited for. He starts off the performance moshing in the audience and I roll my eyes. I hate it when people singing in the crowd. He keeps on high-fiving people and it is the definition of lame. The singing is good. Sounds just like the original. There is a sign in the audience that says "Bringing Chubby Back" and I roll my eyes again. Chris picks up a mic stand as he dances on the stage-dive bleachers and nearly gives Simon a concussion with it. Awesome...I love live television.
Melinda Doo-Lots
Haha...I love how they are ending the show with Melinda...like anyone else could! I realize that I really love Melinda's speaking voice. It's very husky and smoky and relaxed. I love her. LULU! has no criticism for her. Melinda is perched on the side of the stage and starts singing this tune from Oliver! and of course it sounds great. Her neck-less self meanders across the stage as she makes convincible eye-contact with the camera. She hits all the notes, and this song really shows off how great her control is. The crying little girl is shown again, blubbering all over everyone.
Randy loved it...duh. Is there anything this girl can't do absolutely amazing? Simon asks her if she is as nice as she seems and she very eloquently says that she "hopes so". I love her. Melinda says that LULU! is amazing and I'm all like "I KNOW!!!!!!!" at my television screen.
Ryan gathers the rest of the Idol onto the stage and poops out their number one last time. He then forces the terrified little girl in the audience to come up on stage where she is instantly swarmed by the Idols...each trying to get a shot of themselves hugging her so the audience at home knows how sweet and kind they all are. Isn't that cute?
For tomorrow, I think Stephanie will be leaving based solely on her lack of a "wow" (LaKisha) factor. Although she's better than Haley and Phil, no doubt about it, at least they stand out due to their suckage. Sorry Stephanie...looking like Fantasia isn't enough to guarentee a win.