Diana Ross is Crazy
So here it goes...another American Idol top 12 and another three months where I neglect my friends/schoolwork/family to focus exclusively on these mediocre hopefuls who long to reach the highest pier of today's musical tower. And as the poorly constructed opening ends we are greeted with Ryan Seacrest smiling like he just got three shots of botox and gleaming like he just got back from a tan-glazing session with Antonella "Least Slutty Person I Know" Barba down at the Jersey Shore.
As is the tradition with EVERY episode of Idol this season, we are reminded (again) of how influential and important this show is to everyone's life with a montage of Kelly Clarkson/Chris Daughtry/Jennifer Hudson/Carrie Underwood video clips with the words "Grammy!" "Oscar!" "Rock-Poser!" interjected in. After this self-indulgent powerpoint, Ryan introduces the judges and basically forces them to admit that a woman will no-doubtedly win this season and how the guys suck worst than the girls did last season (Kellie Pickler anyone?). Randy says "dawg", Paula gobbles about nothing, Simon rolls his eyes and wishes a portal to hell would open up underneath Ryan's feet...it feels good to be back.
Tonight is the Diana Ross Massacre and before each contestants performance we are forced to endure an uneasy (and incredibly staged) meeting between our Idols and Ms. Ross. She's crazy, we all know it. She says a lot about nothing really (like Paula). Her hair is the size of Sanjaya and was probably being fed the losers who were voted off during the past few weeks. After we see a collection of shots of Deena Jones...err...Diana Ross' bony face and monster hair, the first performance is read to begin...
Brandon Rogers
He's singing "You Can't Hurry Love (the Background Singer Mashup)" and he starts the performance quite promisingly; his back is to the audience and his legs are poised apart with his hands cocking to one side (ala Michael Jackson) yet as soon as he turns around and starts to sing, my expectations for his performance (and this night in general) plummet through the Earth and burn up in its magma center. You can barely hear him from behind the trio of delicious divas singing back-up and it is nauseating to watch. The volume isn't the only problem as he rarely stays on pitch and actually hits some dreadfully painful notes that sound more like Sanajaya screeching through puberty than a guy who (supposedly) has sung backup for Christina Aguilera & co. Brandon also forgets his words halfway through and unlike Melissa McGhee last season who covered up her mistake with an entertaining butchering of syllables and sounds (regerishonishes?), Brandon merely smiles like a goon and makes it more than obvious that he screwed the song up past any sort of hopeful repair. However, it must be stated that at the end of the song he belts some loud notes that don't sound completely like death but...
...the judges don't care and will not give him the sympathy it's oh so obvious he is longing for. Randy says that he was nothing more than a background singer and Simon doubles on the hurt by stating he is "the back-up singer to the back-up singer" and then I started to laugh maniacally in agreement and smash my keyboard resulting in this: rgjfkjlszdjkgiojsgj;kf;jklghbjkfgb;jlkfg.
paula slurs something about nerves and fails to complete a full sentence, but I'm too busy laughing at the unnecessarily brutal comments by Simon to listen. I get another little snicker in there when Ryan tells him that he took "a beating from the judges" like he didn't just experience the nation-wide embarrassment a minute before. God I love this show. Ryan gives his numbers and no one in America cares.
Melinda "No-Neck" Doolittle
Before her "Diana Ross-O-Vision" infomercial, Ryan sits to have a chat with Melinda about how hard it is to be in this competition...blah blah blah...until somehow the judges are brought into the equation resulting in Simon accusing Ryan of being gay and then Ryan gets all snooty and tries to pretend that it isn't obvious to the world that he is in no way straight.
The D. Ross therapy session is boring and basically consists of Melinda receiving compliment after compliment about how amazing and perfect she is. The song she is singing is from "The Wiz" and while the arrangment is weird and seems to lack any sort of real structure, Melinda is her awesome, big-faced self and blows it out of the park. I am confused as to why the producers a) put her and Brandon, both former back-up singers, next to each other cuz she more than erases any impression (good or BAD) he made on me...and b) why did they put her 2nd? It's obvious she is better than everyone else on the show so every other wedding-singer performance tonight will look like utter dump when compared with Ms. Doolittle.
After she is done the audience erupts into a four year coniption of applause and we see Melinda's mom(?) in the audience clapping and sweating and looking just like her daughter only with a neck. The judges love her (duh). Paula is crying and shaking like she just finished a twenty-four hour heroine trip OR just watched Elliott Yamin perform from last season. Simon laughs at her and Ryan asks her what she thinks Melinda is going through on stage...and this is what kills me...cuz she herself is an artist. There is an awkward pause and the audience laughs a little and so does Melinda, and I will tell myself it is because Ryan actually stated that Paula Abdul is a respectable musical artist who has a grasp of what it means to perform and sing. It marked the second moment of the night where I uncontrollably pounded my keyboard in pure excitement.
Chris Sligh
During his "Diana Ross: True Hollywood Story", he is accused of acting nervous which he rebutes with "I don't have a nervous bone in my body". She gives him hair-styling tips...he says he has to try them out. It's very very exciting. Chris more or less asks Ms. Ross if he can have the permission to butcher the arrangment/melody/everything of the song, and Diana looks on in pure confused horror as he does just this.
As the performance begins I swear that I am hearing that terribly overrated Coldplay song ("Speed of Sound"?) and I am about to hate Chris Sligh completely until he opens his mouth and doesn't sound like complete crap (aka Brandon). He looks uncomfortable and drunk and keeps tugging on his suit jacket, and without glasses his face looks like it ballooned up a few sizes, but I generally enjoyed his performance and thought he stuck true to who he is: a guy with a good voice who is slowly trying to sabotage the classical pretentions this show exudes.
The judges on the other hand (and expectedly) hated it and thought it was worthy of a Sanjaya Malakar criticism (aka being overly critical of a performance without any real validation). Paula accuses Chris of trying to hard to be cool and contemporary and while I appreciate such a sentiment (although not coming from Paula) I feel like it is something that should be saved for whatever Diana Ross song Blake Lewis plans on ruining tonight. But it wasn't terrible and I still like Chris a lot. His image is just bothering me though; My friend Xtina said: "I wish he would get thinner"...AMEN.
Gina "the Kooky One" Glocksen
Ok...Gina's "the Actor's Studio" interview with Diana is very painful to watch due entirely to her overtly phoney excitement for meeting the diva. She pretends to be starstruck and it pisses me off. She starts to belt out "Love Child" and Diana tells her babbles about how pronounciation is really important in this song (as opposed to in other songs?).
Her performance consists mainly of her Evanescence wailing and running up and down the stage like she's Constantine Maroulis. It's interesting...Bo, Maroulis, Chris Daughtry, Nikki "the Devil" McKibbin...they all did this rocker sprint where they travel one side of the stage to the other in a matter of seconds, looking to validate some sort of "hard-edge" faux-quota.
Anyway...I really want to like Gina, but it just wasn't that good. It seems like the producers of the show have her pigeon-held into this roxxor-chick persona ("Really trying to play up this rocker shit aren't they?" - Xtina) with her black nail-polish, tapered jeans and zoomed in shots of her pierced tongue. Oh Gina...I look forward to the day where I can't find such a wide variety of things to hate you on.
Randy claims to be a Gina-fan (is there such a thing?) but also says it was boring as fuck. Paula and her winged-tips accuse her of shouting. Simon say it wasn't terrible but that it wasn't good either. I roll my eyes and take another drink of my beer hoping that it might make things a little more interesting.
Sanjaya Malakar
First off...I love Sanjaya. He's adorable, sweet and very likeable and I think the judges have been giving him a terribly difficult time this season. Sure he is more boring than "A Moment Like This", but he has a wonderful tone and great vocal control that no one ever seems to mention.
His "Diana Ross Interview with Barbara Walters" segment begins with this crazy woman forcing the terrified 17 year-old into a long embrace. Sanjaya then claims that having Diana Ross there as a vocal coach was incredible...like learning to paint from Van Gogh himself...which is incredibly funny considering how Van Gogh was insane and cut off his own ear which contrasts well with Ms. Ross and her murdering hair. After they take turns smiling at each other and flipping their bangs, it's time for the performance.
It's boring as always but he still sings it well. His hair is reminiscent of Ms. Ross' and it keeps getting in his eyes as he tries to sing (aw!!!). He tries to cover his nerves by strutting across the stage and charming the audience with his huge teeth. About halfway through he starts belting and is surprisingly spot-on, although still pretty bland. Damn it! What can this kid do to make his performances less of a drag? Be more like Blake? Please no.
Randy laughs at him and makes another reference to his hair and basically says that the only reason Sanjaya is still in the competition is due to his hair and the growing mass of tweens that watch this show. Paula garbles something about how Sanjaya = Love as Simon calls her an idiot to someone off camera. Simon then makes a strange comment about Diana Ross being a whale that I don't really understand, but still love anyway for its irreverance. Sanjaya looks like an injured deer or "a scard fish...a scared curly little fish" - Xtina!.
He runs off the stage crying as Paula spins in her train like a crazy person, Randy laughs at his hair and Simon further insults Diana Ross in his mind.
Haley Scarnato
The "Late Night at the Apollo (feat. Diana Ross)" segment with Haley is just really awkward. Diana on one hand says that she has a very good "recording voice" (which I take means riddled with lots of editing and synthesizers and background vocals: ie Lindsay Lohan's "Speak") and then she switches it up and basically says she has a terrible live singing voice that lacks any real feeling or projection. This show is making me appreciate Diana Ross more and more.
Haley is singing some song that I don't know...but it doesn't matter cuz it is terrible. She is using the Mandy Moore-whipser technique to the exxxxtreme and the whole performance just seems all over the place...bouncy off of the beat and confusing the band who tries to match her tempo...it's no use, she's a goner and the way she's grabbing onto her stool it looks as though she is preparing herself for the wave of criticism that is bound to wash over her in another minute.
The whole thing was a confusing mess (like Diana Ross' hair) and as she stands up before the judges I take note of the uncomfortable-looking scarf that is wrapped around her upper thighs like some sort of trendy belt that was two sizes too big. The judges go easy on her and Paula opts for the "you look beautiful" bullshit which I despise. Simon disappoints me when he actually pseudo-compliments her by commending her stage prescence. Haley has an emotional breakdown at this and begins thanking everyone in the room for their support. It's generally a very weird moment.
Phil "E.T. Phone Home" Stacey
Unlike Gina, Phil's "Live with Regis & Diana Ross" schtick of appreciate seems very genuine and makes me actually hate him less than usual. I'm at a loss for what to say about his performance...all I really can pay attention to is how strange a person he is. His ears...his (lack of) hair, his gaping mouth...his HUGE FUCKING EYES...everything but his singing keep me captivated by him; like watching a dog with three legs walk down the street. His voice is ok, his best yet in my opinion. At one point in the song it sounds like he says "come to my erection" in which I giggle like a schoolgirl before becoming once again hypnotized by his monstrous eyes. Near the end where he begins to really belt hard, a saxophone comes out of nowhere and pretty much drowns out his voice completely.
Randy says it's the best male performance of the night, which is funny considering how Blake and Chris R. both haven't performed yet. Simon accuses him of shouting in his ear, which I can definitely see. I'm sure he'll be safe, but unless he gets so reconstructive surgery or buys a wig, I am afraid his freaky image is going to get him booted from the show.
Lakisha "God" Jones
During "30 Minute Meals with Diana Ross" she diva somehow gets Lakisha's name confused with "Kee-Kee" and proceeds to call her that throughout the rest of the tutor session. Ms. Ross cackles a lot as Lakisha asks her generally constructive questions about mic placement. Diana grows silent and stares off into the rafters, searching for an answer in her web of hair.
Lakisha sings "God Bless the Child" and really does a great job in taking a song that I seriously can't stand and making it something that I actually enjoy. Not only does she have that great big voice, but she has something that other past belters (I'm looking at you Mandisa) lacked...great intonation and control. She pronounces her words wonderfully and does quite a few very technical musical things that give the performance a very well-developed feel.
During the judges' showdown a well-poised and beautiful Lakisha receives nothing but compliments and praise for being the best person ever. When Ryan interviews her afterwards she says that she just wanted to "tone it down" a little bit, which I find so passive-aggresively awesome in that her "toned down" is ten times better than all the other girls (save Melinda) combined.
Blake Lewis
Before his "Total Request Ross" takes place, Ryan asks Blake what bands he listens to and after naming a bunch of obnoxiously unknown artists to no recognition he opts for name dropping Michael Jackson and Prince and just being over with Q&A time.
He previews a terribly confusing self-constructed rendition of "You Keep Me Hangin' On" which leaves Diana Ross with a look on her face that awesomely yells "I have no idea what you're doing" - Xtina. The song? The tempo is too slow. Instead of guitars or horns to keep the song as upbeat and recgonizeable as the original, Blake uses terrible computer constructed synths that really sound like crap. There is a 4th of July light show taking place across the stage as blake moonwalks and struts is faux-hawked self from one side of the stage to the other. Overall the performance feels very pretentious and sleazy, sounding like it belongs in a gay men's dance club...only sounding good after five stiff drinks. When he's done there is a pan to the audience where we see his terrifying family bark towards the stage. Randy tells him to be careful not to overly "Blake-ize" each of his performances...which I interpret as adding a self-gratifying beat-boxing solo/destroying the heart and soul of a song by filling it with modern electric whistles and bells. Simon shoots down Blake's bullcrap and calls him a phoney stupid egotisitcal bastard...at least that's the way I took it.
Stephanie Edwards
After a confusing moment where Simon gives Ryan a tube of lip gloss, we are asked if we would like to see Stephanie's "Wildest Diana Ross Chases 5" too minimal excitement from the judges. She's singing some song called "Love Hangover" and as funny and exciting as it sounds, I remember that it is Stephanie Edwards and prepare myself for a less than stellar version of a Lakisha/Melinda performance. Stephanie claims that theis is the best mentor session she has ever had. How many other mentor sessions with slighty insane has-been divas have you had before? I dunno...she is rocking Blake's hair...hugs Diana a bunch of times. She doesn't seem to give two shits about Stephanie and then the performance starts.
It's slightly-decent, middle of the road LaToya London stuff here (only nowhere near as good). She's wearing an outfit that looks like she murdered a gypsy for. Her bangling earrings are terrible distracting but from what I care to listen to, she doesn't sound too bad...she is actually quite good. It's generic belting voice that just lacks the genuine emotion of performers like Jennifer Holliday, Aretha Franklin or Lakisha. She is like a singing machine...probably manufactured by the same company who made the Carrie Underwood-Bot.
All the judges say are that she messed up the lyrics (which I failed to notice based solely on my lack of interest) and then she is told she needs to step up her game. Blah blah...is this over yet?
Chris Richardson
Chris R. is the man and during his "Diana Ross Video Music Awards" segment he seems honestly grateful to be spending time with the wonderfully absurd Ms. Ross. She states that she is not any different than Chris except that she's older (and more famous and richer and crazier). She seems in awe of how charmingly handsome Chris is and her only bit of advice is that he needs to "keep your [his] head in a good place" ("like in between her legs?" - XTINA!!!).
He is singing "The Boss" which is an "audience song" according to Diana...aka he needs to move around, have fun and actually engage the audience in his performance....nudge, nudge Haley Scarnato?. His vocals are kinda weak and his attempts at falsetto and complicated vocal runs only work about half the time. The other half he sounds like a tape that is fastforwarded to sound like Alvin & the Chipmunks. It's ok though, cuz he takes a much-anticipated trip to the bleachers-dive-off-jetty behind the judges which causes Paula to leap out of her chair and dance like the drunk fool we all want her to be.
Randy and Paula enjoyed the performance and said it was contemporary (ha, eat your heart out BLAKE), but simon thought it was "dreadful"...which I doubt get because he claims to have like the shit-mess that spewed out of Haley's mouth, yet found nothing redeamably appealing in Chris' performance? Hmm...
Jordin "The Underdog" Sparks
Finally it comes down to the last contestant, and it is the adorably bubbling Jordin Sparks. During her "Making the Video: Diana Ross" clip they share an embrace and for a few seconds look like they could be mother and daughter. I laughed out loud a second later when Diana says that she thinks Jordan is gorgeous (aka looks the most like her). They love each other.
She is singing some song called "If We Hold On Together" which according to Ryan is from "The Land Before Time" which if I am not mistaken is about a bunch of talking dinosaurs (aka Paula's family). Jordin starts the song crippled on the side of the stage (which always bothers me) but gradually pulls herself up and belts the living hell out of this made-for-Disney soundtrack single. And while she looks kind of frightening ("like an upside-down tulip" - Xtina!) I still think she was awesome. There is just something incredibly endeering about her. She is very down to Earth and I appreciate her sincerity. The judges loved her and Simon states that now the contest is no longer just about Melinda and Lakisha, but also about her. Sorry Chris S./Stephanie/Blake/Sanjaya/Phil/Haley/Chris R./Brandon/Gina...this show never was and never will be about you.
My Prediction: For tomorrow night, the bottom three should be Haley, Brandon and Gina with Brandon peacing out and heading back back-up singer obscurity.
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