Oh Boy
I have a developing areas midterm tomorrow afternoon. But I think the events of the past few days call for an entry. I've been torturing myself over something that is entirely out of my control. I'm good now, though. Very good. I realized that I've done nothing wrong. This boy seems to have commitment/decision/god-knows-what issues that he has to deal with. And none of that should be my concern. I'm being very vague...I'll try to go into details without turning this into a novel.
After the coffee date with the boy, things were really looking up. He made such an effort to make more plans afterwards and harassed me (in the most endearing way possible) at lunch and dinner everyday. Friday night we were supposed to go to Gerts, but his friend got injured and the two of them spent most of the night at the hospital. I was completely okay with that because he had no way of knowing that would happen, but I was a bit annoyed that he didn't call on Saturday or Sunday to explain what happened. So, on Sunday I left a message asking if he wanted to study together. He ended up coming to RVC, getting my message (without responding!) and visiting his ex-girlfriend. I found out he was on her floor through a friend but didn't put much thought to it because I knew he wanted to fix things with her. They had a hurtful breakup so I figured he was just trying to re-establish the friendship. I assumed his sudden distance towards me was because he felt pressured to say or do something substantial every time we were together. I e-mailed him to explain that I don't mind taking things slow and am totally open to whatever comes from this, even if it's just friendship. It's Thursday and he still hasn't replied.
If not for our mutual friend, I would be a wreck right now. I mean he took a total turn in ONE weekend where we didn't even see each other. Nothing bad happened for him to have a sudden change of heart. I had a lonnnnng talk with the friend and she explained that he doesn't know what (or who) he wants. Him and the ex talked about getting back together, but then he told our friend that he doesn't feel emotionally connected to her anymore. It's just his safe and stable option; what he knows, what he's comfortable with. I'm sure he was overwhelmed to a certain extent because there was a lot of expectation for something to happen between us, but he's dealing with it in all the wrong ways. He told our friend that he still likes me a lot and isn't ready to lose me, but finds comfort in being with his ex. And as for him ignoring me? Well, according to his flawed logic, that gives him more time to figure things out. He seems to think that calling me back or replying to my email means that we're just friends and he's not ready to give up the possibility of us just yet.
IDIOT. Seriously. How can he possibly think that dispelling my EXISTENCE still keeps me as an option? Um, I'm not desperate. It kills me to know that he still feels a connection. This would all be so much easier if I found out he was madly in love with his ex, but knowing that he might be settling for something safe is just...shitty. I've decided that even if he comes crawling back tomorrow, I won't pursue anything more than a friendship with him. I still do like him. A lot. But his indecency and immaturity these past few days is going to be hard to get past. This isn't the boy I fell for, that's for sure. I regarded him in the highest light: confident, smart, charming, beyyyyond hilarious. Around me he's a fucking trainwreck. I don't ever want to lose respect for him but he's making it very difficult for me to not.
Hopefully friendship is still possible. I still want us to be stupid in the caf together and write each other pointless facebook messages. We'll see how this all plays out. And hey, it hasn't been all that bad. My friends have been amazing in helping me deal with this. I don't know what I'd do without them. And I've learned a lot about myself. Like how much I can tolerate. How much effort I'm willing to put in. How freakin stupid boys can be ;)
Ok, time to study =(
This really is a novel.
Sian's stoping by on her way home tomorrow.
We're going for brunch at Chez Cora's :)
I'm seeing the Vagina Monologues with Ambreen tomorrow night.
And then possibly going out? Or doing the smart thing and studying my life away.
!
After the coffee date with the boy, things were really looking up. He made such an effort to make more plans afterwards and harassed me (in the most endearing way possible) at lunch and dinner everyday. Friday night we were supposed to go to Gerts, but his friend got injured and the two of them spent most of the night at the hospital. I was completely okay with that because he had no way of knowing that would happen, but I was a bit annoyed that he didn't call on Saturday or Sunday to explain what happened. So, on Sunday I left a message asking if he wanted to study together. He ended up coming to RVC, getting my message (without responding!) and visiting his ex-girlfriend. I found out he was on her floor through a friend but didn't put much thought to it because I knew he wanted to fix things with her. They had a hurtful breakup so I figured he was just trying to re-establish the friendship. I assumed his sudden distance towards me was because he felt pressured to say or do something substantial every time we were together. I e-mailed him to explain that I don't mind taking things slow and am totally open to whatever comes from this, even if it's just friendship. It's Thursday and he still hasn't replied.
If not for our mutual friend, I would be a wreck right now. I mean he took a total turn in ONE weekend where we didn't even see each other. Nothing bad happened for him to have a sudden change of heart. I had a lonnnnng talk with the friend and she explained that he doesn't know what (or who) he wants. Him and the ex talked about getting back together, but then he told our friend that he doesn't feel emotionally connected to her anymore. It's just his safe and stable option; what he knows, what he's comfortable with. I'm sure he was overwhelmed to a certain extent because there was a lot of expectation for something to happen between us, but he's dealing with it in all the wrong ways. He told our friend that he still likes me a lot and isn't ready to lose me, but finds comfort in being with his ex. And as for him ignoring me? Well, according to his flawed logic, that gives him more time to figure things out. He seems to think that calling me back or replying to my email means that we're just friends and he's not ready to give up the possibility of us just yet.
IDIOT. Seriously. How can he possibly think that dispelling my EXISTENCE still keeps me as an option? Um, I'm not desperate. It kills me to know that he still feels a connection. This would all be so much easier if I found out he was madly in love with his ex, but knowing that he might be settling for something safe is just...shitty. I've decided that even if he comes crawling back tomorrow, I won't pursue anything more than a friendship with him. I still do like him. A lot. But his indecency and immaturity these past few days is going to be hard to get past. This isn't the boy I fell for, that's for sure. I regarded him in the highest light: confident, smart, charming, beyyyyond hilarious. Around me he's a fucking trainwreck. I don't ever want to lose respect for him but he's making it very difficult for me to not.
Hopefully friendship is still possible. I still want us to be stupid in the caf together and write each other pointless facebook messages. We'll see how this all plays out. And hey, it hasn't been all that bad. My friends have been amazing in helping me deal with this. I don't know what I'd do without them. And I've learned a lot about myself. Like how much I can tolerate. How much effort I'm willing to put in. How freakin stupid boys can be ;)
Ok, time to study =(
This really is a novel.
Sian's stoping by on her way home tomorrow.
We're going for brunch at Chez Cora's :)
I'm seeing the Vagina Monologues with Ambreen tomorrow night.
And then possibly going out? Or doing the smart thing and studying my life away.
!