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[goodnighttexas]

yesterday i went to the fiesta flambeau parade. it was three hours long and there were about half a million people watching. anyways, a majority black high school marching band from dallas was in the parade, and my friend's father commented, saying "don't you wish you were black sometimes?" i was highly offended. by his question. and my friend

Comments

[ultimatehandler]

you're probably right. Although there are these three black girls at Mizzou from Dallas that I have dinner with once a week, and we talk a lot about wishing we'd stopped our internalized, race-based self-hatred sooner

[soozymom]

Please write about it. I think it needs to be said, you'd be doing those "friends" a favor. Maybe if you use the layer of distance the internet provides, and choose not to name names, they'll be able to dodge the defensive feelings and begin to see themselves in a different light. Or maybe "they" won't but others will...

Wouldn't it be cool to have friends that cared enough about you and your feelings to want to grow past their own institutional racism. Really, one or two friends like that would be worth losing all the others.

[ultimatehandler]

You're right, Susie and Val. As usual.

In fact, I've half-written this several times, but I freeze up. Or as The Spinners once said, "I knew just what to say (but) all the words had slipped away."

What sucks is trying to have conversations about my frustrations with a particular racial situation and 95% of the time, my white friends will try their hardest to find evidence that race had nothing to do with it.

Two of my professors agree with you that I should gently confront my 'friends,' while my dad (who's always thinking of my political future) says I shouldn't. My dad says that I'll be better served keeping them in my life at a distance. He says that I should get used to it, "because you have the power to get people that don't really like black people to like you."

In fact, my dad says all the time that many UU's are that way-that they look down on most minorities, and latch onto the few that are just like them as proof that they're liberal and welcoming.

[soozymom]

Unfortunately, I think your dad is absolutely right about many UU's. And most shamefully, that they aren't really even aware of their racism.

I think deciding whether to confront or not has two parts. First is establishing a goal, to educate or to debate. Telling people how comments make you feel is not the same as talking about the what/why/how those comments occur. (Not that they won't debate with you on the former, but all you can do then is shrug and say, "hey, man, that's how it feels.") The second is figuring out a way to talk about it that draws them into the conversation and doesn't drive them into defensive mode. That is one thing that you are very good at with acquaintances, but I think, with your friends, you tend to be less careful and assume that they will get it. When they don't.

You have to decide whether or not you can accept the limits these friends have imposed upon themselves or not. If they're not choosing growth or understanding, then there's probably not much you can do about it.

[sertcake]

i disagree with susie and val.

i think if you wrote this, you would just get angry. and at people that you generally like. i'm not sure it would do a whole lot of good. it seems like just a way to be angry.

and i think if you point out everyone's flaws like that, its just going to make people feel like shit.

i know i'm not perfect, and i don't work on my personal racist/sexist/whatever-ist thoughts all the time. i don't have time to. and, frankly, i have other things that i would rather be doing.

sure, i know that i have things to work on. and, occasionally, i do. but i don't want to use my whole life vainly trying to "fix" myself rather than spending some of it just enjoying what and who i am.

[goodnighttexas]

he already is angry. writing it will help others understand.

maybe people need to feel shitty sometimes. these are flaws that can be fixed, if people just cared.

no one is perfect. i don't constantly work on my thoughts either because i don't really have the time to, but i wish i did, and when i can, i do.

it's not just about fixing yourself... it's about fixing the world. because those flaws in you and us make the world a worse place for other people, what's the harm in making it a better place? i can't change what other people do, but i do have control over myself... so what's so bad about trying to change the way society has trained you to think so you can make life a better thing for some people?

[ultimatehandler]

Yeah, that doesn't really surprise me. I mean, why think about and analyze what you or a group of people does when you can just enjoy who you are

[sertcake]

in the ongoing conversation about race, you must remember to keep it a conversation. you must remember that lecturing is not going to change people. and yelling at them will only make them shut down and shut you out

[goodnighttexas]

ellen

[soozymom]

Valerie Vied, you rock!

Thanks for saying this so well.

[colotexan]

Valerie, this was unbelievable. I feel that either way, I become the spokesman. And yes, in YRUU (and elsewhere) I took that role but as my dad reminded me last night, I can't dominate, go to law school AND change all my friends.

[muunpi]

I would have to agree with your professors on this. You should gently confront those you know because you care about everyone you know and they respect you and they will be given an opportunity to grow and that respect will grow because you were honest and didn't hold back ... or else it will die because it wasn't important to them. In both scenarios you win as regards your goals (I think).

Don't get used to it. Having people "like" black people for whatever reason (athletic ability, rhythm, musical abilitiy, etc.) is a superficial "like".

I think many UUs look down on what they perceive as ignorant, uninformed people (non-UUs) regardless of race or other minority issues and that's a bigger (?) issue than race in the UU community, imho. If where those non-UU people are regarding religion, politics, etc. is genunine for them, then so be it. Finding ways to interact with those people will build bridges and ....