Sorry seems to be the hardest word.
One of the things I've learnt this year: Apologies can be hard (so, so hard), but if they must be done, they must be done.
I would consider myself a very emotional person and my bad moods can get really bad. These few years, the realisation that I can be a petty little bitch and hating myself about it perpetuates my bad moods more. But also, I'm starting to realise that, as I take a step back, what makes me irrationally upset the most is when something goes wrong and the person responsible for it doesn't even bother to apologise.
Because if they did, I'd probably cool down much faster and be more willing to forgive.
So these two weeks, two things happened and I gathered my balls to apologise for them--one was entirely my problem, the second, not so much. But someone had to take responsibility.
As a teacher of primary school kids for 3 years, I'm strict with my kids when they do wrong to others and I always make sure they apologise for it. I started to think that I need to set the same standard for myself. As adults, sorry really is the hardest word (to say).
In both incidents that happened these two weeks, I got so emotional after I made the apology. I don't know what for, I don't know why just saying that one word makes me feel so vulnerable and so scared that I end up tearing/crying about it. But in both cases, I knew it had to be done and I made myself do it.
I hope that doing this ignites a change around me, for people who are not used to apologising for things as well. Thinking back, my family is terrible at being honest and apologising for things. As far as I remember, every wrong thing that happens with my mum is always somebody else's fault. NEVER HERS. I remember noticing this at first and getting so angry about it, but I guess it's how she is--prideful. I can try to change it, but at the end of the day it's up to her to see the truth. My dad has hardly apologised for anything verbally at all. In Primary school, he said something so mean to me that I left the dinner table in tears. Hours later, he came by my bedside and said that he'd buy me that pair of shoes I'd been eyeing for months. But I don't think there was an apology.
Growing up in this household, it's no wonder my brother and I have terrible moods and are unapologetic about it. It's just so hard to say "sorry" in this house.
But now that I'm fully aware of it, maybe it's time for me to make a change. If an apology has to be issued, it has to be done. No matter how painful, how embarrassing, how vulnerable it'll make us feel, the person on the receiving end deserves it. They deserve the honesty more than anything and it helps both parties to heal faster and better. Because hey, when I receive an apology, I'd start to think, "Ugh I'm so angry, but fine. That person feels bad about it. There's nothing I can do anymore." and slowly, the anger dissipates. It leaves no lumps under the rug, no grudges, and clears the slate just that bit more. People always want to see the better in others.
Been thinking of summing up the year in two weeks time with lessons I've learnt this year to track my growth in the future. This will definitely be in the list. I wonder why I didn't think of this earlier -- all the lessons I could have reflected on and revisited!
I would consider myself a very emotional person and my bad moods can get really bad. These few years, the realisation that I can be a petty little bitch and hating myself about it perpetuates my bad moods more. But also, I'm starting to realise that, as I take a step back, what makes me irrationally upset the most is when something goes wrong and the person responsible for it doesn't even bother to apologise.
Because if they did, I'd probably cool down much faster and be more willing to forgive.
So these two weeks, two things happened and I gathered my balls to apologise for them--one was entirely my problem, the second, not so much. But someone had to take responsibility.
As a teacher of primary school kids for 3 years, I'm strict with my kids when they do wrong to others and I always make sure they apologise for it. I started to think that I need to set the same standard for myself. As adults, sorry really is the hardest word (to say).
In both incidents that happened these two weeks, I got so emotional after I made the apology. I don't know what for, I don't know why just saying that one word makes me feel so vulnerable and so scared that I end up tearing/crying about it. But in both cases, I knew it had to be done and I made myself do it.
I hope that doing this ignites a change around me, for people who are not used to apologising for things as well. Thinking back, my family is terrible at being honest and apologising for things. As far as I remember, every wrong thing that happens with my mum is always somebody else's fault. NEVER HERS. I remember noticing this at first and getting so angry about it, but I guess it's how she is--prideful. I can try to change it, but at the end of the day it's up to her to see the truth. My dad has hardly apologised for anything verbally at all. In Primary school, he said something so mean to me that I left the dinner table in tears. Hours later, he came by my bedside and said that he'd buy me that pair of shoes I'd been eyeing for months. But I don't think there was an apology.
Growing up in this household, it's no wonder my brother and I have terrible moods and are unapologetic about it. It's just so hard to say "sorry" in this house.
But now that I'm fully aware of it, maybe it's time for me to make a change. If an apology has to be issued, it has to be done. No matter how painful, how embarrassing, how vulnerable it'll make us feel, the person on the receiving end deserves it. They deserve the honesty more than anything and it helps both parties to heal faster and better. Because hey, when I receive an apology, I'd start to think, "Ugh I'm so angry, but fine. That person feels bad about it. There's nothing I can do anymore." and slowly, the anger dissipates. It leaves no lumps under the rug, no grudges, and clears the slate just that bit more. People always want to see the better in others.
Been thinking of summing up the year in two weeks time with lessons I've learnt this year to track my growth in the future. This will definitely be in the list. I wonder why I didn't think of this earlier -- all the lessons I could have reflected on and revisited!