“I Like Smoking” or “Defining Flaws”
I have been a smoker for more than half my life. There is not one person in my life that likes that I smoke. I have asthma, I don’t ever have enough money, and I am already unhealthy enough. But I like smoking. I have tried to quit so many times, but I always start again because, well, I like it. It’s part of me. It has been a way to deal with nervous energy, a way to meet and hang with people, and even a way to say fuck you to people. It’s a part of me. It’s something that I have done my entire adult life. So why would I try to change that? Because it’s bad for me. Ultimately nothing good will result from my smoking. There are other ways to deal with nervous energy, to socialize, and to say fuck you to people. Better ways that won’t harm me.
We all have things about ourselves that are not the way we want them. For me, it’s smoking. But for others it could be stubbornness, or swearing, or being too controlling, or cheating, or drinking, or meth, whatever. And I am fascinated by how and why we hold on so tightly to those things that we KNOW are bad for us, that will harm us.
Why do we continue to be possessive and controlling when we know that in the end we will be left alone? Why do we keep smoking when we know that the iron lung is days away? For me, it’s because it is totally my decision, my consequences. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make me quit - and trust me, they have ALL tried - but I still have just this one thing that is totally and completely mine and mine alone. Am I addicted to the nicotine? I’m sure that’s it on some small level, but I have addicted to coke for almost two years and just stopped doing it one day with no issues, no withdrawal, and I am told that coke has a much greater hold on you so I’m sure that I can get past that part. It is the habitual nature of smoking? Yes, I do like to have a ciggie in the car as I drive, or when I have more than 12 oz of beer in me, but I can always do without if it’s too much trouble or will bother someone else. I don’t get up in the morning and run to have one, I don’t need that post-orgasm puff…
I think it boils down to this: it is something that I use to define myself. Pure and simple. I am a smoker. I am gay. I am a musician. I love decorating. I am a good listener. I am bad with money. I am adopted. I am a Libra. I love shopping. I am a smoker. I know I should try to eliminate those harmful things from my life, but I can’t - or won’t. I know I shouldn’t spend $250.00 on a lamp too, but I still will…
I try to be very sensitive to those around that don’t like it, or can’t be around smoke. I have no problem with the smoking bans because I get that others don’t want to be around it. Smoking is MY thing and I have no intention of harming anyone else with it. But maybe in the long run, I am harming people… someday someone will have to deal with my asthma attacks, someone will visit me in the hospital if I get throat cancer, and someone will be there to mourn when I eventually, potentially die.
And I wonder how many times I have been the victim of someone else’s “defining flaw” without ever really knowing it, and without them really knowing or caring… how often have I run from someone because they can’t control their anger or refuse to be faithful or can’t give up the green-puff? How many times have I given up on someone because they are night-owls or too stubborn to compromise or they drink too much?
And how many of those things am I without even knowing it?