(no subject)
My body, heart, mind, and soul have given out. I barely made it into work, got what I needed to get done on my to do list, and went home early. really early. I was only at work for two hours before I said fuck it. I needed to be home under the blankets, in pajamas, watching movies.
I no longer have a therapist because she is moving on to a new position elsewhere, and she can't tell me where she is going. We were doing so well, and I am not finished. I realize people have to get on with their careers...but I like stability. Having another therapist from that center--an intern in particular--will not do.
I had an extreme fatigue attack this morning, and realized I had to make it to the bus so I could get to work. All of my muscles were aching and I feel depressed. Achy to the point where I am shuffling like an old person, and every movement and reach is painful. That is today. I hope tomorrow will be better.
I am stressed out and anxious about everything. I am watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles right now, and this moving is stressing me out.
I feel lonely and just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be all right.
I should be happy. I should be happy for my time off, happy that I have a job at all, happy that people in my field (even if not my colleagues) find value in my work and that the rabbi thought enough of me to ask if I would take his place at the MLK Jr. Interfaith Blessing. All of those things are very special. I should be happy that I have the people in my life who love me like they do. I should be happy that I still can move, and that every day I have a goal and focus each day, and sometimes the challenge of it is enough to motivate me to get up and moving. And I should forgive myself. Why I am so hard on myself, when people who give fewer shits than I do do so well in life?
Tomorrow I have some simple goals:
1. Taking out the garbage;
2. Picking up my vitamin D and my honey's pills;
3. Shifting my summer clothes into the storage container that holds my winter clothes, and getting those out.
If I still have energy I will vacuum and clean the bathroom. This might be all I can handle, though.
I should be happy, because I will see Angela AND Noa on Sunday--same day same time! I was so upset that I had forgotten. Well, this gives me a whole new level of motivation and happiness. :)
I no longer have a therapist because she is moving on to a new position elsewhere, and she can't tell me where she is going. We were doing so well, and I am not finished. I realize people have to get on with their careers...but I like stability. Having another therapist from that center--an intern in particular--will not do.
I had an extreme fatigue attack this morning, and realized I had to make it to the bus so I could get to work. All of my muscles were aching and I feel depressed. Achy to the point where I am shuffling like an old person, and every movement and reach is painful. That is today. I hope tomorrow will be better.
I am stressed out and anxious about everything. I am watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles right now, and this moving is stressing me out.
I feel lonely and just want someone to hold me and tell me it will be all right.
I should be happy. I should be happy for my time off, happy that I have a job at all, happy that people in my field (even if not my colleagues) find value in my work and that the rabbi thought enough of me to ask if I would take his place at the MLK Jr. Interfaith Blessing. All of those things are very special. I should be happy that I have the people in my life who love me like they do. I should be happy that I still can move, and that every day I have a goal and focus each day, and sometimes the challenge of it is enough to motivate me to get up and moving. And I should forgive myself. Why I am so hard on myself, when people who give fewer shits than I do do so well in life?
Tomorrow I have some simple goals:
1. Taking out the garbage;
2. Picking up my vitamin D and my honey's pills;
3. Shifting my summer clothes into the storage container that holds my winter clothes, and getting those out.
If I still have energy I will vacuum and clean the bathroom. This might be all I can handle, though.
I should be happy, because I will see Angela AND Noa on Sunday--same day same time! I was so upset that I had forgotten. Well, this gives me a whole new level of motivation and happiness. :)