"we suck..."
Wow today was one of those days where no matter what you do, who you talk to, or what you read or say, you just feel bad. I think today has been a terrible day and I really do feel awful about a lot of things.
I can't stop thinking about how easy things seem to do. Then when I try to do them or not to they just spiral out of control. You ever get that feeling that no matter what you do your going to end up hurting some one. Like there are these expextations that you have and othrs have to be nice and good and keep things from being hurt or complicated. I try to pride myself on being nice and not hurting people. when it seems all that happens lately is just that. I really do feel like a bad person lately.
I wish I could just start things over sometimes. I think I'd be smarter about things the second time around, but then again, doesn't everyone. I just wish I could change things so they were different, so no one would hae to feel bad or angry or sad. I hate that and I hate this feeling. I really wish it would just go away.
My car broke down today for good the engine exploded while I was driving it to work from Greg's house and a very awkward evening, the car went pop and I went off the road in a ditch. Then I called my parents and picked me up on their way to church, which I then had to go to, where there people just stared at my mother, sister and I for not havign a clue what to do there. I ended up being written up for work for missing a meeting (the one I was trying to make). So then I felt even worse when my parents lectred me/ guilt tripped me when we got home about everything going on as of late.
I also felt really bad about stranding Rob at Greg's, not that it's not enjoyable being there, but he was still wearing the same clothes for like two days and he really wanted to go home, shave, and fix his mom's lawnmower. So I felt bad when I told him I'd take him home at like 10 in the morning and showed up at like 6:30 at night instead. I did finally get him home though, which made me feel a little better but not really.
I am so tired, but am continuing my no sleep-streak that I've been keeping up lately I had like an hour of sleep last night, seriously and not much more that few nights before that either. I think my mom is going to get me some over the counter sleeping pills now and see if they help at all. It probably couldn't hurt.
I also took care of some other things with other people and issues that needed to be dealt with. I know that a lot of these things needed to be done and said even if they were mean, I had to get my points across and for once I had to buckle down and be stern about everything. It was really hard and I felt bad afterwards, even though I shouldn't of, but I did. I think I need to start volunteering again, things always felt right whenever I did that. Even if they are just distractions, at least they take my mind off of other things.
So now I am without a car and at the peak of feeling like the single most worst, heartless, mean human being on the planet, maybe I'll start to feel better. I mean.. It can't get any worse... right?
I can't stop thinking about how easy things seem to do. Then when I try to do them or not to they just spiral out of control. You ever get that feeling that no matter what you do your going to end up hurting some one. Like there are these expextations that you have and othrs have to be nice and good and keep things from being hurt or complicated. I try to pride myself on being nice and not hurting people. when it seems all that happens lately is just that. I really do feel like a bad person lately.
I wish I could just start things over sometimes. I think I'd be smarter about things the second time around, but then again, doesn't everyone. I just wish I could change things so they were different, so no one would hae to feel bad or angry or sad. I hate that and I hate this feeling. I really wish it would just go away.
My car broke down today for good the engine exploded while I was driving it to work from Greg's house and a very awkward evening, the car went pop and I went off the road in a ditch. Then I called my parents and picked me up on their way to church, which I then had to go to, where there people just stared at my mother, sister and I for not havign a clue what to do there. I ended up being written up for work for missing a meeting (the one I was trying to make). So then I felt even worse when my parents lectred me/ guilt tripped me when we got home about everything going on as of late.
I also felt really bad about stranding Rob at Greg's, not that it's not enjoyable being there, but he was still wearing the same clothes for like two days and he really wanted to go home, shave, and fix his mom's lawnmower. So I felt bad when I told him I'd take him home at like 10 in the morning and showed up at like 6:30 at night instead. I did finally get him home though, which made me feel a little better but not really.
I am so tired, but am continuing my no sleep-streak that I've been keeping up lately I had like an hour of sleep last night, seriously and not much more that few nights before that either. I think my mom is going to get me some over the counter sleeping pills now and see if they help at all. It probably couldn't hurt.
I also took care of some other things with other people and issues that needed to be dealt with. I know that a lot of these things needed to be done and said even if they were mean, I had to get my points across and for once I had to buckle down and be stern about everything. It was really hard and I felt bad afterwards, even though I shouldn't of, but I did. I think I need to start volunteering again, things always felt right whenever I did that. Even if they are just distractions, at least they take my mind off of other things.
So now I am without a car and at the peak of feeling like the single most worst, heartless, mean human being on the planet, maybe I'll start to feel better. I mean.. It can't get any worse... right?