[Yunjae] It ain't a fanclub no more
Jaejoong is not sure when he started to notice it himself. Though he knows fans have before him.
It feels a bit humiliating to know others have a better perception of your life than yourself.
Jaejoong wouldn’t say he’s not conscious of the situation. Whether in public or not, it’s getting rarer to just have a good time with Yunho, without having to watch every single moves. It’s not that he wants to be touched or to touch the other. (Or does he? He closes his eyes, his mind getting blurry for a minute or two before the feeling of wrongness settles in and stays. It’s not like they don’t touch each other anymore-)
(Or-.
No.
No, It’s like-)
It’s just that there is something missing now. And it’s been gone for a long time.
(A long time ago. Years ago-)
Maybe it started at that show, when he spoke those words in Chinese. (No, that’s not it. The timing isn’t right. The real hurt began after that. Hurts a lot harder too-) It shouldn’t have felt so gauche. It’s not like Yunho and him aren’t aware of the big ‘Yunjae’ couple circulating around. After all, they had participated in talk shows and never really gave it that much thought. (It was so easy. Everything was easier back then-) Hell, they even made a special episode on their relationship in their weekly little drama. A lot of scenes had to be remade because neither of them could contain their embarrassment.
Jaejoong still sees Changmin rolling his eyes at them (And would he ever see this kind of expression directed at him again? Would they ever-), Junsu biting his lips, trying to retain his laugh (He misses Junsu’s laugh. It used to be so much more carefree and genuine-) while Yoochun doesn’t bother to hide his amusement, making Jaejoong throws a look at him.
(It’s warm. It’s awkward. It’s everything and nothing-)
Though, no matter how many times he rememorizes Yunho’s expression to his cheeky words, it still stings.
It feels like he overstepped over a boundary (He always does. He does what he thinks is right but the consequences-) that Jaejoong wasn’t aware of before.
He still remembers the sudden hurt and humiliation at Yunho’s word. He had pushed the game too far.
...the real problem is, it’s not only a game. (Has it ever been a game? No. They made it a game sometimes, but most of it, all the other times...He doesn’t remember clearly, everything is overwhelming right now and it’s just-) They share a close bond (He clutches his iPhone, hoping, always hoping-) and he doesn’t really mind being hugged by Yunho or giving him a surprise kiss on the cheek. Their hands touching is becoming as natural as brushing his teeth.
(Please. I just...
Please-)
It’s spontaneous and it’s not like he’s always thinking about the fans when he does things like that. (The warm of Yunho’s arms spinning him around, his broad chest shielding him from the world-)
So the years have been straining and for the moment, they are each on their own. (How long, how much more-) Junsu just gave a representation of Mozart some days ago, Jaejoong’s been a model for some magazines and Yunho also gave a memorial concert in Los Angeles in honour of Micheal Jackson.
To be honest, it’s been a while since Jaejoong has been asked about his relationship with Yunho. Not that it’s unpleasant but it stings in another way. (There’s always soju now, keep refilling his cup until the memories fade-)
Somehow, if he had to choose, he would prefer them to be the famous couple of TVXQ once again than to continue being distant. Not distant, distant. (Nowadays, there’s countries if not oceans separating them-) Just, maybe as close as they used to be before. (Even if it’s just one day or one hour or just one moment again-)
“Many fans have been wondering if there was any other tension in the group lately,” the reporter began, holding the microphone a bit too close for comfort. It makes Jaejoong take a step back. “For example, you and U-Know seem to be less aware of each other than a few years ago.”
In a near future, when he’ll feel safe enough to want to dig around the problem himself (Will that day ever come? He still remembers that day, his concert in Shanghai, barely able to hold back-), Jaejoong’ll confront the situation. Now isn’t the time.
(It is.
It isn’t.
The door is closing on him and there’s nothing stopping it. He wants to hold on with all his strength-)
He gives a small laugh and moulds his face into a smile. “I must admit everyone has been really busy since a while,” he says, his voice smooth and reassuring. “Though I can assure you we’re just as we have always been. Who knows? Maybe it’s the age coming to us.” He finish, still holding on his smile.
The reporter seems pleased by the answer. Jaejoong isn’t.
Because he knows what is the real cause.
(There’s a court and a black suitcase. Desperate glances toward the other two, begging for them to stand up with them, follow their dream together-)
They had fun at the beginning, seeing fans making them up. Jaejoong can even remember he thought it was cute at that time. Years have passed by and their fandom is still as big as ever. Generations may carry new and old traditions but Korea still isn’t the most open country. (Some lose their job over it. Suk Chun-) And both Yunho and Jaejoong have their own ideas of the future. (Though never had they foreseen this. Not like this-) Not that he doesn’t still see them working together and have fun.
(His heart beats painfully against his chest and breathing becomes-
Please, just please-)
Though he can help but feel anxious that the distance between them may grow. They have built their own comfortable relationship at the beginning, and their fans had encouraged their chemistry, even created them, though unconsciously destroyed them in the process too. (If only it was just the fans, if only-)
So when he goes home to their apartment (How he misses it; the wall colors, the furniture’s, the five of them together-) and sees Yunho’s luggage in the hallway, it’s hard not to run toward Yunho’s bedroom. Changmin is already there, chatting happily with him.
And suddenly, it’s a lot more than missing. It’s want.
(It burns.)
They both turn as he enters the room; Yunho’s greeting him with a warm smile (The memories fade to bitterness these days. Its pain instead of happiness-) before Jaejoong literally puts his arms around Yunho’s shoulders and tugs him back toward him. It’s warm and the feeling in his stomach feels upside down.
(Please.)
He had missed that cologne.
(Please. Please.
Just-)
“Uh--” Yunho murmurs against his neck, and that’s when Jaejoong release him. His hair is a bit longer than last time. It makes Jaejoong wants to re-organize it. “I’m back?”
(Please, please please please please please please-)
Then Jaejoong lets out a laugh that make his body shivers with a warm feeling. “I can see that,” he says, now looking at Changmin who seems a bit surprised by his earlier action too. He lets his arm brushes Yunho’s and can help but feel good when they both don’t move away from the touch. “Welcome back.”
-----
Jaejoong blinks. And blinks again.
The computer’s light is strong in the night, Yoyo slowly awaking at Jaejoong’s feet as he moves in his chair a bit. Two empty bottles of soju are beside his computer, his cup still clenched loosely between his fingers.
He rubs a tired hand over his eyes, willing his vision to come back.
And that’s when he notices his iPhone buzzing on the desk.
He’s suddenly awake, his hand grabbing it and he poses as he brings it toward him.
His thumb rubs over the button, hoping against hope-
Yoochun
Don’t forget about tomorrow morning. Be sure to be up early for practice.
Jaejoong let out a long sigh, all the tension leaving his body. Of course it’s not Yunho.
Of course not.
He chuckles, not wanting the bitter feeling to crawl up again. He gets up slowly, his muscles half asleep as he makes his way toward the couch, putting both of his knees on it and staring at the sky from his window.
There aren’t lots of stars. He can count less than 5 from here. Still...
Still.
“Notre père qui êtes au cieux,
Que ton nom soit sanctifié,
Que ton règne vienne,
Que ta volonté soit faite sur la terre comme au ciel,
Donne-nous notre pain de ce jour,
Pardonne-nous nos offenses comme nous pardonnons aussi à ceux qui nous ont offensés,
Mais ne nous soumet pas à la tentation,
Mais délivre-nous du mal.
Please, I’ll only ask for one thing. Please, just give me one more chance.”
Please do review. No it is not beta'd (since I don't seem to have any friends who does actually knows or like Yunjae) though I would like to receive some feedback since this is my first Yunjae fic. Also, if you are wondering about the prayer, it's because I'm kinda lazy and I put it in french since my native language is french (don't really know how to say my prayer another way).
As Kim Jaejoong wrote in his twitter profile, let's keep the faith :)
Btw, I would be awfully grateful if someone could tell me what this song is : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLGCvCzD7Dw&feature=player_embedded#at=182