Hi, my name is Jenn and there's a slight chance I'm completely nuts.
HiI'm having the most insane internal struggle right now. Considering how self-aware I tend to be, I should also mention that it's kinda freaking me out that...I don't really know what's wrong. Maybe nothing's wrong.
I don't think I've ever been more idependent. I work. I school, and I spend the rare free moments I have doing things I enjoy. For me. Reading Marilyn Hacker. Writing. Watching scrubs and eating tuna.
Still- something doesn't feel right. I'm not content. I work my way through each day, like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what. I have no drama in my life. I have no enemies. Any unfinished business is finished. So why am I constantly looking...looking...looking...what am I looking for?
To be honest, it really bothers me that I can't seem to find fufilment in all of the things I'm doing and all the people I love and that love me. I don't want to be that girl; now or ever. I look around and am surrounded by these amazing folks that are so caught up in themselves...and I mean that in a really good way. As a matter of fact- they're so caught up in their lives, and the things they're doing and the people they're around they don't have a chance to be caught up in themselves. That's more what I mean. I'm going through the motions but I don't- and haven't- felt particularly connected.
Part of the problem is...my whole life I was raised to believe that if you want something you can have it, you just have to work hard. This has made me really succesful in most aspects. But oppositely- sometimes the things you want the most- you have to not work for at all. You have to just let them happen. Find you. This is insanly hard for me. I want to work. Analyze. Fankly I don't trust much else.
All of this has got me thinking about how I feel...too connected and never connected enough. I'm always available. In reach. In case....life needs to find me for something amazing. But I'm going nuts. All this waiting, never knowing, never being able to do anything but think....
I need to just let go. Live a life without expectations, waiting....by far the hardest scariest thing for me. But I've got to.
I can't totally shut off my phone- because I work- but, it is now considered a land-line. No contacting. No texting. No computer.
We'll see how long this lasts.
Love always,
Jennifer Lynn
I don't think I've ever been more idependent. I work. I school, and I spend the rare free moments I have doing things I enjoy. For me. Reading Marilyn Hacker. Writing. Watching scrubs and eating tuna.
Still- something doesn't feel right. I'm not content. I work my way through each day, like I'm waiting for something but I don't know what. I have no drama in my life. I have no enemies. Any unfinished business is finished. So why am I constantly looking...looking...looking...what am I looking for?
To be honest, it really bothers me that I can't seem to find fufilment in all of the things I'm doing and all the people I love and that love me. I don't want to be that girl; now or ever. I look around and am surrounded by these amazing folks that are so caught up in themselves...and I mean that in a really good way. As a matter of fact- they're so caught up in their lives, and the things they're doing and the people they're around they don't have a chance to be caught up in themselves. That's more what I mean. I'm going through the motions but I don't- and haven't- felt particularly connected.
Part of the problem is...my whole life I was raised to believe that if you want something you can have it, you just have to work hard. This has made me really succesful in most aspects. But oppositely- sometimes the things you want the most- you have to not work for at all. You have to just let them happen. Find you. This is insanly hard for me. I want to work. Analyze. Fankly I don't trust much else.
All of this has got me thinking about how I feel...too connected and never connected enough. I'm always available. In reach. In case....life needs to find me for something amazing. But I'm going nuts. All this waiting, never knowing, never being able to do anything but think....
I need to just let go. Live a life without expectations, waiting....by far the hardest scariest thing for me. But I've got to.
I can't totally shut off my phone- because I work- but, it is now considered a land-line. No contacting. No texting. No computer.
We'll see how long this lasts.
Love always,
Jennifer Lynn