I'm an idiot.
Lordy..
In my mind, there are three options that I keep steering towards.
1. Continue to lurk in Stupid-Girl mode, accepting the meager, seemingly bad-intention driven "friendship" that I'm "in" with what's-his-face.
2. Not talk to what's-his-face at ALL while I'm still here in Houston. Eventually get used to him not existing. Maybe talk to him when he comes to London over the summer, have a bit of fun then forget about him again...for good.
3. Try my hand YET AGAIN at telling him all that's going on in my head, how I feel like I'm scraping around for interaction with him, how it's looking more and more like I immensely annoy him, how I feel like going back into mean-mode just so that I'll feel less pitiful, but I'm scared that he'll talk to me even less etc, etc. I always have enough faith in him that he'll understand or react, but he doesn't.
Seriously, part of me just wants to leave so badly. When I'm halfway across the world, I'll be able to function again. Because no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I delete his number from my phone or remember how obvious it is that he DOESN'T want me, I can't let go. I was doing well, I was really beginning to think about him less, and think less of him. But he has this thing of popping in and out of my life, every couple of months. If he'd continue with his bland "o ok"-filled IM conversations and never call, instead of every once in a while hint that he'd like to see me or that he misses me, then I'd be fine. In my mind I'm always thinking that there's something that I can do or change to get him.
I'm worthy, I'm pretty, I'm smart, until I remember him....and that is FUCKED UP. I have some major emotional alterations to make, big time, and I know it. I'm doing everything that I thought only annoying prissy inseccure easy little 14 year old girls do. Bloody Hell. Maybe that's what he sees me as (it sure seems that way sometimes.)
One day I'll be able to look back and giggle at how over-dramatic I was when I got my first taste of..."feeling". And by then I'll be totally aware of the fact that I'm talented and beautiful and intelligent and loving and fun, and I won't care that he seems to be the only person who doesn't see it, even though he's the one person I wished would see it most.
I'm so done(again). I don't even want anyone to tell me anything about what I should do, to be honest, because if he were to call me right now, and ask to hang out, I'd probably jump at the oppurtunity. I don't know how to quit yet.
But this is gonna end soon.
On a lighter note, I have been writing like crazy, and I got my prom dress. I'm awesome, I just forget sometimes.
In my mind, there are three options that I keep steering towards.
1. Continue to lurk in Stupid-Girl mode, accepting the meager, seemingly bad-intention driven "friendship" that I'm "in" with what's-his-face.
2. Not talk to what's-his-face at ALL while I'm still here in Houston. Eventually get used to him not existing. Maybe talk to him when he comes to London over the summer, have a bit of fun then forget about him again...for good.
3. Try my hand YET AGAIN at telling him all that's going on in my head, how I feel like I'm scraping around for interaction with him, how it's looking more and more like I immensely annoy him, how I feel like going back into mean-mode just so that I'll feel less pitiful, but I'm scared that he'll talk to me even less etc, etc. I always have enough faith in him that he'll understand or react, but he doesn't.
Seriously, part of me just wants to leave so badly. When I'm halfway across the world, I'll be able to function again. Because no matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I delete his number from my phone or remember how obvious it is that he DOESN'T want me, I can't let go. I was doing well, I was really beginning to think about him less, and think less of him. But he has this thing of popping in and out of my life, every couple of months. If he'd continue with his bland "o ok"-filled IM conversations and never call, instead of every once in a while hint that he'd like to see me or that he misses me, then I'd be fine. In my mind I'm always thinking that there's something that I can do or change to get him.
I'm worthy, I'm pretty, I'm smart, until I remember him....and that is FUCKED UP. I have some major emotional alterations to make, big time, and I know it. I'm doing everything that I thought only annoying prissy inseccure easy little 14 year old girls do. Bloody Hell. Maybe that's what he sees me as (it sure seems that way sometimes.)
One day I'll be able to look back and giggle at how over-dramatic I was when I got my first taste of..."feeling". And by then I'll be totally aware of the fact that I'm talented and beautiful and intelligent and loving and fun, and I won't care that he seems to be the only person who doesn't see it, even though he's the one person I wished would see it most.
I'm so done(again). I don't even want anyone to tell me anything about what I should do, to be honest, because if he were to call me right now, and ask to hang out, I'd probably jump at the oppurtunity. I don't know how to quit yet.
But this is gonna end soon.
On a lighter note, I have been writing like crazy, and I got my prom dress. I'm awesome, I just forget sometimes.