Kill me gently, KaixUruha, Part 4/?
Title: Kill me gently
Chapter: 4/?
Author:
golden_kimono
Genre: General, drama/angst
Warnings: Bit of a twisted relationship
Rating: R
Pairings: KaixUruha, (hints at) RukixKai, mention of ReitaxAoi
Summary: Kai and Uruha have been together for a few months, but it's not the happy relationship it started out as.
Disclaimer: Last I heard they still belong to themselves (and maybe to PSC); last part of this chapter is based on something that has actually happened (and no, not to me).
Comments: Sequel to 'Do you love me?' which is the sequel to 'You turn me on', but you don't have to read either of those to understand this (they're just smut, anyway). Not beta-read and English is not my first language. Also, this is very different from the former parts.
This chapter is proof that I shouldn't write when I'm sleepy. XD And I realize there might be people who will want to kill me after this chapter.
1 2 3
A gasp escaped Kai’s lips as he stared at the scene in front of him. Uruha, his Uruha, was here, flirting with other people and by the looks of it he had forgotten he already was involved with someone. Torn between wanting to storm over there to confront him and wanting to run away so he could pretend he hadn’t seen anything, he instead decided to stay put and watch. He wanted to see what would happen next. If he went over there now, Uruha might think of an excuse among the lines of “I was just being friendly and was about to push her away when you came”, but if he left and talked to him later he could say that if he had stayed longer he would have seen nothing happened; Kai would never know for sure. Watching seemed the better thing to do, because at least then there would be no excuses. Kai would see what was happening and know Uruha’s reactions.
He wasn’t sure if he felt more like a masochist or a voyeur while he stared intently at the way the woman’s hand slipped into the gap at the top of Uruha’s button-down shirt. On his lover’s other side it wasn’t much better: the man sitting there had scooted closer to him and was leaning on his shoulder, whispering something into his ear that made him laugh loudly. It had been a while since Uruha had laughed so freely around him.
Chewing on his bottom lip he wondered if maybe he was overreacting. Uruha was obviously drunk, and other than that it wasn’t like he was really doing anything. Although that woman was making him very uncomfortable… He wished she’d keep her hands with the perfectly manicured nails off of his boyfriend.
“Kai-chan, what are you doing?” Ruki asked, slurring his words a little and hugging Kai around the waist when he had stumbled over to him. Snuggling close he mumbled something that sounded like: “You’re so warm.” The drummer stared down at the blonde head, which moved even closer as Ruki buried his face in Kai’s shirt. He smiled despite himself and ran a hand through the singer’s hair, receiving a content sigh. See, he tried to convince himself, Ruki was a clingy drunk, too.
He glanced back over at the table Uruha was sitting at. The woman had taken her hand out of Uruha’s shirt, but now she was almost sitting in his lap. To the guitarist’s credit he wasn’t paying her a lot of attention, too busy downing another drink. Not that that was much better. Kai had never been too fond of Uruha’s drinking habits and seeing him like this made him worry about what the other man would do or let other people do to him if he got even more drunk.
Still not sure what he should do he continued watching, lightly hugging Ruki, who was now rubbing his head against him like a cat. There had been a time when Uruha would do things like that, drunk or not. He mentally kicked himself. Why did he keep comparing the two of them?
“That son of a bitch.” Kai turned at the cold voice, his heart sinking as he saw Reita and Aoi had joined him and Ruki. He hoped they wouldn’t cause a scene. “Why aren’t you doing something?” the bassist continued, staring at the brunette incredulously. “How can you stand here so calmly when he is right over there, doing that?” The drummer shrugged, chancing another glance over at the table, cringing when the woman pushed her breasts against Uruha’s arm. Was it his imagination, or was the dress hanging even lower than before?
A hand on his shoulder startled him. “Are you okay?” Aoi asked gently. Kai nodded, trying to put on a smile and pretend everything was okay. He looked down again when he felt Ruki move, struggling to stand upright. The vocalist frowned up at them hazily. “What’s going on?” Reita nodded over to Uruha’s table and, slightly confused, Ruki turned his head, going rigid in Kai’s arms when he saw exactly what was going on.
He pulled away angrily, looking remarkably sober now, and marched over to their guitarist. Suddenly feeling cold the drummer went after him, reaching Uruha at almost the same time Ruki did. The other man blinked up at them, surprised. “Kai!” he yelled drunkenly, getting up from his chair to embrace the brunette, but before he could do so Ruki punched him in his face. Uruha fell back down, shocked.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the singer demanded coldly. The annoying woman let out a high laugh. “That is your boyfriend?” she asked, pointing at Kai mockingly. “I’m not surprised you didn’t want to take him with you, who would want to be seen with that?” she continued. Everyone at the table laughed, except for Uruha, who was staring at his boyfriend unfocusedly. Ruki moved as if to hit the woman, but didn’t, instead settling for glaring at her for all he was worth. “And who are you? This isn’t meant for little children, you know”, she sneered, taking in Ruki from head to toe, snorting at his pants. “It isn’t meant for whores either, yet you’re inside”, the short man retaliated.
“That’s Ruki!” Uruha suddenly shouted. By the looks of it he had more to drink than Kai had thought. “I don’t like Ruki, he’s trying to take Kai away from me.” The guitarist pouted and grabbed the brunette’s hand, pulling him closer and wrapping his arms around him possessively, almost in the same way Ruki had been holding him earlier.
“Let go of him, Uruha”, Reita said in a controlled voice, though his eyes spoke differently. “Why?” the taller man whined childishly. Kai was feeling incredibly embarrassed now and could feel his cheeks heating up. “Because you’ve caused him enough pain”, Ruki mumbled in reply, but the drummer didn’t think Uruha heard him.
The guitarist finally pushed Kai away, making him stumble backwards. “Fine, I’ll stay with my real friends then. Why would I need you anyway?” The question was directed at his boyfriend, whom he was glaring at fiercely. “I can get someone much better”, he said, nodding to himself. Before Kai had a chance to react, Ruki growled and threw himself on top of Uruha, knocking them both over onto the floor. His small fists hit every part of the other man’s body he could reach, but this time Uruha fought back, throwing some well-aimed punches at the man on top of him. It was almost comical to see them fight each other, especially because of the height difference.
Kai didn’t think it was funny at all, though, and moved towards them, pulling Ruki off of Uruha with some difficulty. It was like holding a wild cat; the vocalist was obviously not pleased and kept trying to get back to the guitarist, who was still lying on the floor with a split lip and the beginning of a large bruise on his cheekbone. A stab of sympathy went through him, but Uruha ruined it all with his next words. “Yeah, you better take the little one home. The two of you deserve each other, since you both can’t get anyone else.” His so-called new friends roared with laughter and he shot Kai a nasty grin, being helped up by the handsome man who had been all touchy-feely earlier in the evening.
Not even bothering with a retort, the drummer clenched his jaw and turned around, stomping outside. He leaned against the cold stone wall of the bar, folding his arms and hanging his head, letting his hair fall in front of his face like a curtain so no-one would see his tears. Suddenly Uruha being drunk wasn’t a good enough excuse anymore. There had been no reason for him to say all those things, Kai hadn’t done anything wrong as far as he knew.
There were only a few moments of peace before someone else joined him. “You should’ve let me finish him.” Kai’s lips twitched. “No offence, Ruki, but Uruha is stronger than you. And besides, imagine if his friends had decided to help him. It would have been a massacre.” “Is that why you stopped us, or was it because you didn’t want to see him get hurt?”
He was silent at first and then looked through his hair at the shorter man standing in front of him, his face slightly bruised, a sad smile on his lips and a certain understanding in his eyes. It seemed Ruki knew him too well. “I can’t help it… I know I’m an idiot, but I love him.” He took a deep, shaky breath, shutting his eyes. The need to cry overwhelmed him, yet he refused to give in.
Ruki hugged him, a familiar feeling by now, and he hugged him back tightly. “You’re not the idiot. Uruha is.” For some reason those softly spoken words were enough to undo him and he sobbed into Ruki’s shoulder, his body shaking with the force of them. He tried desperately to keep quiet, so no-one else would hear him, but it proved impossible. Everything Uruha had done in the past few months came crashing down on him; his constant rejection, his insults, how he was only there for Kai when it suited him, the way they kept drifting further and further apart…
Two other pairs of arms joined them and Kai knew they belonged to Reita and Aoi. If he hadn’t been so upset because of Uruha he might have been able to appreciate this more. It was nice to know his friends still cared and that they would be there for him.
After a few minutes they let go of each other and Ruki wiped Kai’s tears away tenderly. The drummer smiled at him weakly. Aoi handed them their coats, explaining that they had only stayed inside to get their things and to pay for their drinks. “I’m sorry, Kai”, Reita said regretfully. “About what?” “You know… If I hadn’t taken you here this wouldn’t have happened.” The brunette shrugged. “I’m sure something like this would have happened eventually.”
As they started walking to the car they had taken, Kai let out a bitter laugh, startling the other three. “He was right about one thing, though. His friends are really not my kind of people.” Not sure how to react to that, they all kept silent.
The silence seemed to have followed the drummer into his apartment. Not even the sounds from outside could be heard, which really should be impossible. For hours Kai simply sat there at the kitchen table, staring out through the window but not seeing anything. All he could see was the scene in the bar. He wished he could hate Uruha for his cruel words and selfish actions, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even be truly angry at him, no matter how hard he tried. All he could do was hurt and he blamed Uruha’s new friends more than Uruha himself. After all, if it hadn’t been for them he wouldn’t have been like that, right?
The sky was already turning pink when there was a knock at the door. At first, the sound didn’t register in his brain, but then many other knocks followed, as if someone was banging on his door. Frowning, he made his way over and looked through the peephole. His heart leaped when he saw Uruha on the other side. Without thinking, he opened the door, only just catching his boyfriend as he fell over, obviously still drunk.
“Kai-chan, I’m sorry”, he murmured into the drummer’s neck. Kai pushed him aside and closed the door before turning back to the pathetic-looking man in his hallway. His face was bruised, more than Ruki’s, and he was swaying on the spot. The smell of alcohol was clinging to him, making Kai nauseous and he quickly walked into the living room, sitting down on the couch. Oddly enough he was happy to see Uruha, but he wanted to know what he was doing here first. He didn’t really care what the guitarist did to him, but he had hurt Ruki too this time, and that was one of his best friends. Admittedly Ruki started it, but only because he was standing up for Kai.
“What do you want?” he asked, trying to sound as cold as possible. Uruha hesitated, then stumbled over and dropped to his knees when he reached the couch. He buried his head in Kai’s lap, wrapped his arms around his waist and, to the drummer’s great surprise, started crying. The wetness soaked his clothes, but he didn’t care. Uruha was crying in much the same way Kai had done earlier, when he was leaning on Ruki, except that he was mixing his sobs with “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”. His heart wrenched and he put a hand on the back of his lover’s head, stroking his hair softly.
It took a while before Uruha calmed down and even longer before he sat back, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. Kai smiled and leaned down, placing a kiss on his forehead. Something in the back of his mind was telling him that this was wrong and that he should send Uruha away right now, but he ignored it. His boyfriend appeared to be genuinely sorry and this was one of the rare times he had seen him cry. Uruha always said men shouldn’t cry if they could avoid it, so that must mean he was truly afraid of losing Kai.
“Uru”, he started, but he was interrupted by the guitarist before he could continue. “Please forgive me, Kai. I was drunk and seeing you with Ruki made me jealous, I didn’t mean the things I said, I swear.” He stared up at the drummer with sad and guilty eyes, tear streaks on his face. Kai smiled at him and cupped Uruha’s cheeks, lovingly wiping away his tears. “It’s okay, I understand”, he whispered back, even though he didn’t understand it at all.
He hesitated before speaking up again, not sure how to approach the next subject. “Your friends, I… I’m not sure what to think of them.” Uruha shook his head, holding on to Kai’s wrists. “Don’t worry about them. They were just drunk, too. If I go with them somewhere some other time, you can come with us.” The drummer’s smile faltered.
Did Uruha think he was a little kid? The way he was talking to him suggested it. And hadn’t he said they weren’t his kind of people? He hadn’t said anything about them only not being that when they were drunk. The words of the woman came back to him. She had said Uruha hadn’t wanted to take him there. And although she had been cruel, he had the feeling she hadn’t been lying when she said that.
“Kai?” Uruha asked timidly, startling him from his thoughts. He gazed at his boyfriend, who stared back with a nervous smile, looking like a lost boy and making him forget what he had been thinking about. Maybe Uruha hadn’t wanted to take him because his friends were like that and he was afraid Kai would get offended.
He stood up, holding out a hand to Uruha to help him stand. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up”, he mumbled, his stomach turning from the overwhelming stench of alcohol lingering around his lover.
After having gotten him to the bathroom he helped him take off his clothes, gasping as he saw all the bruises. Uruha’s face looked bad, but most of his skin seemed to be black and blue. It was probably a good thing the guitarist was so drunk, because otherwise the chances of him being able to move without wincing would have been slim.
Luckily the cuts weren’t too bad, and Kai decided to clean them immediately. As he did so Uruha leaned against him or touched his arm or waist, as though he needed proof the drummer was actually there. He kept staring at him silently, observing his every move. It made Kai uncomfortable, because to him it felt like Uruha was thinking he’d never see him again.
When he was finished cleaning out the wounds he made Uruha take a bath, washing him carefully, not wanting to hurt him. He didn’t want to let the other man do this on his own, partly because the guitarist was too drunk and partly because he felt responsible. If he had stopped Ruki sooner, or if he hadn’t taken his time watching Uruha and his friends, this wouldn’t have happened.
They didn’t talk, instead Uruha let himself be treated like a child, not even complaining when Kai washed his hair to get rid of the smell of alcohol, cigarettes and sweat, which had all made their way into the long strands. Kai vaguely wondered what Uruha had been up to after he left, but decided he didn’t want to know.
Sighing softly he finished, drying his boyfriend off with a large towel and dressing him in some clothes he had left on one of the occasions he had stayed over. Uruha left a lot of things in Kai’s apartment, so many that he had his own part of the closet, bathroom and he even had things in the kitchen - his liquor, mostly. Kai didn’t have the same at Uruha’s place, but the drummer had always blamed that on lack of space, even though they had apartments of roughly the same size.
Uruha’s head lolled and his limbs didn’t appear to be working properly, making it difficult for Kai to get him into bed. When he finally got him there, the guitarist sprawled out, leaving hardly any room for the brunette. After changing his owns clothes he contemplated sleeping on the couch, but managed to squeeze himself next to his lover in the end.
The soft snores and the warmth coming from the man next to him slowly lulled him to sleep. He was too exhausted to even dream, which was a blessing, probably.
Several hours later he was woken up by Uruha pressing against him. Opening his eyes he saw the beautiful honey-coloured orbs staring straight back at him. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice hoarse. The guitarist replied with a small smile and pressed himself closer to Kai, letting the drummer feel his arousal. His eyes widened; had Uruha woken him up just to have sex? He couldn’t say he was truly surprised; it happened more often. But it seemed very inappropriate right now.
However, before he had the chance to tell his boyfriend he didn’t want this, Uruha kissed him. His kisses always got to him and managed to convince him to do everything the guitarist wanted. Like now. The kissing combined with the caresses soon had Kai’s head fighting a losing battle with his body. Not that his head was sure what it wanted. One part wanted to do everything for Uruha, while the other (smaller) part told him this was wrong and that he was just getting used.
But as usual he gave in to Uruha, handing him a condom and lube so his lover could prepare him, which he did, very gently and carefully, doing his best to make Kai feel good.
Yet, even though his body was reacting to all the touches it received, his mind wasn’t there. He was numb from all that Uruha had put him through for the past few months, and as his boyfriend pushed into him again and again all he could see were flashes of the hurtful things the other man had said and done. Meanwhile he wrapped his arms around the taller man, pulling him down on top of him so their bare skin was touching, and he rubbed against him, his orgasm quickly building up. Nothing of this actually registered in his brain and it wasn’t until after Uruha had spilled his seed into him and his own had landed on their chests and bellies, until after Uruha had pulled out and turned around to sleep again, kissing him tenderly before he did so, that he realized something odd.
He put his hand between his legs, feeling the stickiness there that didn’t belong to him. His heart pounding loudly in his ribcage, he sat up, noticing the still-wrapped condom which had fallen onto the floor. A gasp came from his lips as he realized what had happened. Tears filled his eyes and he got out of bed as fast as he could, hurrying into the bathroom. Uruha knew how he felt about the use of condoms. He knew there were enough men who didn’t use any, but he had always been firm on that, not wanting to take any unnecessary risks.
Crying, he scrubbed himself clean vigorously in the shower, wanting to get rid of all the traces left on him. As far as he knew Uruha didn’t have any diseases, but that didn’t mean it was okay for him to do this. And, with the way the guitarist had been acting lately, he couldn’t even be sure the other man hadn’t been off with someone else. Nausea took over and he jumped from the shower, running to the toilet to throw up.
“Kai, are you alright?” a worried voice came from behind him, soon followed by a warm hand on his back. He shrugged it off, not wanting to deal with Uruha at the moment. “No, I’m not alright”, he gritted out. Uruha hesitated. “What’s wrong then? Did I do something?” Kai laughed loudly, although there was nothing funny about the situation. “Kai?” the guitarist asked again, sounding very unsure of himself. “You didn’t use protection!” the drummer shouted out, having decided he didn’t want to keep anything in this time.
There was a long pause before anyone spoke. “That’s it? That’s what you’re upset about?” Uruha asked in disbelief. “What’s the big deal? We’re both clean and I trust you. Don’t you trust me?” Kai looked away, not bothering with an argument. He was numb and exhausted and hated Uruha for not finding this something important. No, that was a lie: he hated himself for being so weak and not fighting back.
“Do you trust me, Kai?” the other man asked, giving the brunette a concerned look. Almost automatically the drummer smiled and nodded, wishing he could be completely sure of that. “It’s not a problem then, is it? Come on, get back to bed. It’s so lonely and cold without you.” Uruha kissed his cheek and pulled him up.
Back in bed he lay stiffly in his lover’s arms, thinking of all the people who died or got ill because of one unsafe time. He knew some of them, mostly gay or bisexual men, and he had always told himself he’d do everything he could to not let the same thing happen to him. As for trusting Uruha… He wanted to, he really did, but his eyes had seen the small note that had fallen from the pocket of his pants when he had undressed him earlier, the note that contained a phone number and a tiny heart in the corner.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, what can I say.. *sigh* I still stick to 'Uruha isn't cheating on Kai', but I can't be sure anymore, since that damn guitarist keeps doing things his own way. >_<
Comments and critics are welcome, especially the latter since I was hardly able to read this over properly and I don't know about all the things I might have done wrong or about how badly this might be written. XD Just please be nice.. >.>
And you know what the strangest thing is? For the past few days I've been in a very good mood, yet this was all I could write. I've no idea why. Oh, and I just realized the song I'm listening to makes me cry.
Next Chapter
Chapter: 4/?
Author:
golden_kimono
Genre: General, drama/angst
Warnings: Bit of a twisted relationship
Rating: R
Pairings: KaixUruha, (hints at) RukixKai, mention of ReitaxAoi
Summary: Kai and Uruha have been together for a few months, but it's not the happy relationship it started out as.
Disclaimer: Last I heard they still belong to themselves (and maybe to PSC); last part of this chapter is based on something that has actually happened (and no, not to me).
Comments: Sequel to 'Do you love me?' which is the sequel to 'You turn me on', but you don't have to read either of those to understand this (they're just smut, anyway). Not beta-read and English is not my first language. Also, this is very different from the former parts.
This chapter is proof that I shouldn't write when I'm sleepy. XD And I realize there might be people who will want to kill me after this chapter.
1 2 3
A gasp escaped Kai’s lips as he stared at the scene in front of him. Uruha, his Uruha, was here, flirting with other people and by the looks of it he had forgotten he already was involved with someone. Torn between wanting to storm over there to confront him and wanting to run away so he could pretend he hadn’t seen anything, he instead decided to stay put and watch. He wanted to see what would happen next. If he went over there now, Uruha might think of an excuse among the lines of “I was just being friendly and was about to push her away when you came”, but if he left and talked to him later he could say that if he had stayed longer he would have seen nothing happened; Kai would never know for sure. Watching seemed the better thing to do, because at least then there would be no excuses. Kai would see what was happening and know Uruha’s reactions.
He wasn’t sure if he felt more like a masochist or a voyeur while he stared intently at the way the woman’s hand slipped into the gap at the top of Uruha’s button-down shirt. On his lover’s other side it wasn’t much better: the man sitting there had scooted closer to him and was leaning on his shoulder, whispering something into his ear that made him laugh loudly. It had been a while since Uruha had laughed so freely around him.
Chewing on his bottom lip he wondered if maybe he was overreacting. Uruha was obviously drunk, and other than that it wasn’t like he was really doing anything. Although that woman was making him very uncomfortable… He wished she’d keep her hands with the perfectly manicured nails off of his boyfriend.
“Kai-chan, what are you doing?” Ruki asked, slurring his words a little and hugging Kai around the waist when he had stumbled over to him. Snuggling close he mumbled something that sounded like: “You’re so warm.” The drummer stared down at the blonde head, which moved even closer as Ruki buried his face in Kai’s shirt. He smiled despite himself and ran a hand through the singer’s hair, receiving a content sigh. See, he tried to convince himself, Ruki was a clingy drunk, too.
He glanced back over at the table Uruha was sitting at. The woman had taken her hand out of Uruha’s shirt, but now she was almost sitting in his lap. To the guitarist’s credit he wasn’t paying her a lot of attention, too busy downing another drink. Not that that was much better. Kai had never been too fond of Uruha’s drinking habits and seeing him like this made him worry about what the other man would do or let other people do to him if he got even more drunk.
Still not sure what he should do he continued watching, lightly hugging Ruki, who was now rubbing his head against him like a cat. There had been a time when Uruha would do things like that, drunk or not. He mentally kicked himself. Why did he keep comparing the two of them?
“That son of a bitch.” Kai turned at the cold voice, his heart sinking as he saw Reita and Aoi had joined him and Ruki. He hoped they wouldn’t cause a scene. “Why aren’t you doing something?” the bassist continued, staring at the brunette incredulously. “How can you stand here so calmly when he is right over there, doing that?” The drummer shrugged, chancing another glance over at the table, cringing when the woman pushed her breasts against Uruha’s arm. Was it his imagination, or was the dress hanging even lower than before?
A hand on his shoulder startled him. “Are you okay?” Aoi asked gently. Kai nodded, trying to put on a smile and pretend everything was okay. He looked down again when he felt Ruki move, struggling to stand upright. The vocalist frowned up at them hazily. “What’s going on?” Reita nodded over to Uruha’s table and, slightly confused, Ruki turned his head, going rigid in Kai’s arms when he saw exactly what was going on.
He pulled away angrily, looking remarkably sober now, and marched over to their guitarist. Suddenly feeling cold the drummer went after him, reaching Uruha at almost the same time Ruki did. The other man blinked up at them, surprised. “Kai!” he yelled drunkenly, getting up from his chair to embrace the brunette, but before he could do so Ruki punched him in his face. Uruha fell back down, shocked.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the singer demanded coldly. The annoying woman let out a high laugh. “That is your boyfriend?” she asked, pointing at Kai mockingly. “I’m not surprised you didn’t want to take him with you, who would want to be seen with that?” she continued. Everyone at the table laughed, except for Uruha, who was staring at his boyfriend unfocusedly. Ruki moved as if to hit the woman, but didn’t, instead settling for glaring at her for all he was worth. “And who are you? This isn’t meant for little children, you know”, she sneered, taking in Ruki from head to toe, snorting at his pants. “It isn’t meant for whores either, yet you’re inside”, the short man retaliated.
“That’s Ruki!” Uruha suddenly shouted. By the looks of it he had more to drink than Kai had thought. “I don’t like Ruki, he’s trying to take Kai away from me.” The guitarist pouted and grabbed the brunette’s hand, pulling him closer and wrapping his arms around him possessively, almost in the same way Ruki had been holding him earlier.
“Let go of him, Uruha”, Reita said in a controlled voice, though his eyes spoke differently. “Why?” the taller man whined childishly. Kai was feeling incredibly embarrassed now and could feel his cheeks heating up. “Because you’ve caused him enough pain”, Ruki mumbled in reply, but the drummer didn’t think Uruha heard him.
The guitarist finally pushed Kai away, making him stumble backwards. “Fine, I’ll stay with my real friends then. Why would I need you anyway?” The question was directed at his boyfriend, whom he was glaring at fiercely. “I can get someone much better”, he said, nodding to himself. Before Kai had a chance to react, Ruki growled and threw himself on top of Uruha, knocking them both over onto the floor. His small fists hit every part of the other man’s body he could reach, but this time Uruha fought back, throwing some well-aimed punches at the man on top of him. It was almost comical to see them fight each other, especially because of the height difference.
Kai didn’t think it was funny at all, though, and moved towards them, pulling Ruki off of Uruha with some difficulty. It was like holding a wild cat; the vocalist was obviously not pleased and kept trying to get back to the guitarist, who was still lying on the floor with a split lip and the beginning of a large bruise on his cheekbone. A stab of sympathy went through him, but Uruha ruined it all with his next words. “Yeah, you better take the little one home. The two of you deserve each other, since you both can’t get anyone else.” His so-called new friends roared with laughter and he shot Kai a nasty grin, being helped up by the handsome man who had been all touchy-feely earlier in the evening.
Not even bothering with a retort, the drummer clenched his jaw and turned around, stomping outside. He leaned against the cold stone wall of the bar, folding his arms and hanging his head, letting his hair fall in front of his face like a curtain so no-one would see his tears. Suddenly Uruha being drunk wasn’t a good enough excuse anymore. There had been no reason for him to say all those things, Kai hadn’t done anything wrong as far as he knew.
There were only a few moments of peace before someone else joined him. “You should’ve let me finish him.” Kai’s lips twitched. “No offence, Ruki, but Uruha is stronger than you. And besides, imagine if his friends had decided to help him. It would have been a massacre.” “Is that why you stopped us, or was it because you didn’t want to see him get hurt?”
He was silent at first and then looked through his hair at the shorter man standing in front of him, his face slightly bruised, a sad smile on his lips and a certain understanding in his eyes. It seemed Ruki knew him too well. “I can’t help it… I know I’m an idiot, but I love him.” He took a deep, shaky breath, shutting his eyes. The need to cry overwhelmed him, yet he refused to give in.
Ruki hugged him, a familiar feeling by now, and he hugged him back tightly. “You’re not the idiot. Uruha is.” For some reason those softly spoken words were enough to undo him and he sobbed into Ruki’s shoulder, his body shaking with the force of them. He tried desperately to keep quiet, so no-one else would hear him, but it proved impossible. Everything Uruha had done in the past few months came crashing down on him; his constant rejection, his insults, how he was only there for Kai when it suited him, the way they kept drifting further and further apart…
Two other pairs of arms joined them and Kai knew they belonged to Reita and Aoi. If he hadn’t been so upset because of Uruha he might have been able to appreciate this more. It was nice to know his friends still cared and that they would be there for him.
After a few minutes they let go of each other and Ruki wiped Kai’s tears away tenderly. The drummer smiled at him weakly. Aoi handed them their coats, explaining that they had only stayed inside to get their things and to pay for their drinks. “I’m sorry, Kai”, Reita said regretfully. “About what?” “You know… If I hadn’t taken you here this wouldn’t have happened.” The brunette shrugged. “I’m sure something like this would have happened eventually.”
As they started walking to the car they had taken, Kai let out a bitter laugh, startling the other three. “He was right about one thing, though. His friends are really not my kind of people.” Not sure how to react to that, they all kept silent.
The silence seemed to have followed the drummer into his apartment. Not even the sounds from outside could be heard, which really should be impossible. For hours Kai simply sat there at the kitchen table, staring out through the window but not seeing anything. All he could see was the scene in the bar. He wished he could hate Uruha for his cruel words and selfish actions, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even be truly angry at him, no matter how hard he tried. All he could do was hurt and he blamed Uruha’s new friends more than Uruha himself. After all, if it hadn’t been for them he wouldn’t have been like that, right?
The sky was already turning pink when there was a knock at the door. At first, the sound didn’t register in his brain, but then many other knocks followed, as if someone was banging on his door. Frowning, he made his way over and looked through the peephole. His heart leaped when he saw Uruha on the other side. Without thinking, he opened the door, only just catching his boyfriend as he fell over, obviously still drunk.
“Kai-chan, I’m sorry”, he murmured into the drummer’s neck. Kai pushed him aside and closed the door before turning back to the pathetic-looking man in his hallway. His face was bruised, more than Ruki’s, and he was swaying on the spot. The smell of alcohol was clinging to him, making Kai nauseous and he quickly walked into the living room, sitting down on the couch. Oddly enough he was happy to see Uruha, but he wanted to know what he was doing here first. He didn’t really care what the guitarist did to him, but he had hurt Ruki too this time, and that was one of his best friends. Admittedly Ruki started it, but only because he was standing up for Kai.
“What do you want?” he asked, trying to sound as cold as possible. Uruha hesitated, then stumbled over and dropped to his knees when he reached the couch. He buried his head in Kai’s lap, wrapped his arms around his waist and, to the drummer’s great surprise, started crying. The wetness soaked his clothes, but he didn’t care. Uruha was crying in much the same way Kai had done earlier, when he was leaning on Ruki, except that he was mixing his sobs with “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”. His heart wrenched and he put a hand on the back of his lover’s head, stroking his hair softly.
It took a while before Uruha calmed down and even longer before he sat back, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. Kai smiled and leaned down, placing a kiss on his forehead. Something in the back of his mind was telling him that this was wrong and that he should send Uruha away right now, but he ignored it. His boyfriend appeared to be genuinely sorry and this was one of the rare times he had seen him cry. Uruha always said men shouldn’t cry if they could avoid it, so that must mean he was truly afraid of losing Kai.
“Uru”, he started, but he was interrupted by the guitarist before he could continue. “Please forgive me, Kai. I was drunk and seeing you with Ruki made me jealous, I didn’t mean the things I said, I swear.” He stared up at the drummer with sad and guilty eyes, tear streaks on his face. Kai smiled at him and cupped Uruha’s cheeks, lovingly wiping away his tears. “It’s okay, I understand”, he whispered back, even though he didn’t understand it at all.
He hesitated before speaking up again, not sure how to approach the next subject. “Your friends, I… I’m not sure what to think of them.” Uruha shook his head, holding on to Kai’s wrists. “Don’t worry about them. They were just drunk, too. If I go with them somewhere some other time, you can come with us.” The drummer’s smile faltered.
Did Uruha think he was a little kid? The way he was talking to him suggested it. And hadn’t he said they weren’t his kind of people? He hadn’t said anything about them only not being that when they were drunk. The words of the woman came back to him. She had said Uruha hadn’t wanted to take him there. And although she had been cruel, he had the feeling she hadn’t been lying when she said that.
“Kai?” Uruha asked timidly, startling him from his thoughts. He gazed at his boyfriend, who stared back with a nervous smile, looking like a lost boy and making him forget what he had been thinking about. Maybe Uruha hadn’t wanted to take him because his friends were like that and he was afraid Kai would get offended.
He stood up, holding out a hand to Uruha to help him stand. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up”, he mumbled, his stomach turning from the overwhelming stench of alcohol lingering around his lover.
After having gotten him to the bathroom he helped him take off his clothes, gasping as he saw all the bruises. Uruha’s face looked bad, but most of his skin seemed to be black and blue. It was probably a good thing the guitarist was so drunk, because otherwise the chances of him being able to move without wincing would have been slim.
Luckily the cuts weren’t too bad, and Kai decided to clean them immediately. As he did so Uruha leaned against him or touched his arm or waist, as though he needed proof the drummer was actually there. He kept staring at him silently, observing his every move. It made Kai uncomfortable, because to him it felt like Uruha was thinking he’d never see him again.
When he was finished cleaning out the wounds he made Uruha take a bath, washing him carefully, not wanting to hurt him. He didn’t want to let the other man do this on his own, partly because the guitarist was too drunk and partly because he felt responsible. If he had stopped Ruki sooner, or if he hadn’t taken his time watching Uruha and his friends, this wouldn’t have happened.
They didn’t talk, instead Uruha let himself be treated like a child, not even complaining when Kai washed his hair to get rid of the smell of alcohol, cigarettes and sweat, which had all made their way into the long strands. Kai vaguely wondered what Uruha had been up to after he left, but decided he didn’t want to know.
Sighing softly he finished, drying his boyfriend off with a large towel and dressing him in some clothes he had left on one of the occasions he had stayed over. Uruha left a lot of things in Kai’s apartment, so many that he had his own part of the closet, bathroom and he even had things in the kitchen - his liquor, mostly. Kai didn’t have the same at Uruha’s place, but the drummer had always blamed that on lack of space, even though they had apartments of roughly the same size.
Uruha’s head lolled and his limbs didn’t appear to be working properly, making it difficult for Kai to get him into bed. When he finally got him there, the guitarist sprawled out, leaving hardly any room for the brunette. After changing his owns clothes he contemplated sleeping on the couch, but managed to squeeze himself next to his lover in the end.
The soft snores and the warmth coming from the man next to him slowly lulled him to sleep. He was too exhausted to even dream, which was a blessing, probably.
Several hours later he was woken up by Uruha pressing against him. Opening his eyes he saw the beautiful honey-coloured orbs staring straight back at him. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice hoarse. The guitarist replied with a small smile and pressed himself closer to Kai, letting the drummer feel his arousal. His eyes widened; had Uruha woken him up just to have sex? He couldn’t say he was truly surprised; it happened more often. But it seemed very inappropriate right now.
However, before he had the chance to tell his boyfriend he didn’t want this, Uruha kissed him. His kisses always got to him and managed to convince him to do everything the guitarist wanted. Like now. The kissing combined with the caresses soon had Kai’s head fighting a losing battle with his body. Not that his head was sure what it wanted. One part wanted to do everything for Uruha, while the other (smaller) part told him this was wrong and that he was just getting used.
But as usual he gave in to Uruha, handing him a condom and lube so his lover could prepare him, which he did, very gently and carefully, doing his best to make Kai feel good.
Yet, even though his body was reacting to all the touches it received, his mind wasn’t there. He was numb from all that Uruha had put him through for the past few months, and as his boyfriend pushed into him again and again all he could see were flashes of the hurtful things the other man had said and done. Meanwhile he wrapped his arms around the taller man, pulling him down on top of him so their bare skin was touching, and he rubbed against him, his orgasm quickly building up. Nothing of this actually registered in his brain and it wasn’t until after Uruha had spilled his seed into him and his own had landed on their chests and bellies, until after Uruha had pulled out and turned around to sleep again, kissing him tenderly before he did so, that he realized something odd.
He put his hand between his legs, feeling the stickiness there that didn’t belong to him. His heart pounding loudly in his ribcage, he sat up, noticing the still-wrapped condom which had fallen onto the floor. A gasp came from his lips as he realized what had happened. Tears filled his eyes and he got out of bed as fast as he could, hurrying into the bathroom. Uruha knew how he felt about the use of condoms. He knew there were enough men who didn’t use any, but he had always been firm on that, not wanting to take any unnecessary risks.
Crying, he scrubbed himself clean vigorously in the shower, wanting to get rid of all the traces left on him. As far as he knew Uruha didn’t have any diseases, but that didn’t mean it was okay for him to do this. And, with the way the guitarist had been acting lately, he couldn’t even be sure the other man hadn’t been off with someone else. Nausea took over and he jumped from the shower, running to the toilet to throw up.
“Kai, are you alright?” a worried voice came from behind him, soon followed by a warm hand on his back. He shrugged it off, not wanting to deal with Uruha at the moment. “No, I’m not alright”, he gritted out. Uruha hesitated. “What’s wrong then? Did I do something?” Kai laughed loudly, although there was nothing funny about the situation. “Kai?” the guitarist asked again, sounding very unsure of himself. “You didn’t use protection!” the drummer shouted out, having decided he didn’t want to keep anything in this time.
There was a long pause before anyone spoke. “That’s it? That’s what you’re upset about?” Uruha asked in disbelief. “What’s the big deal? We’re both clean and I trust you. Don’t you trust me?” Kai looked away, not bothering with an argument. He was numb and exhausted and hated Uruha for not finding this something important. No, that was a lie: he hated himself for being so weak and not fighting back.
“Do you trust me, Kai?” the other man asked, giving the brunette a concerned look. Almost automatically the drummer smiled and nodded, wishing he could be completely sure of that. “It’s not a problem then, is it? Come on, get back to bed. It’s so lonely and cold without you.” Uruha kissed his cheek and pulled him up.
Back in bed he lay stiffly in his lover’s arms, thinking of all the people who died or got ill because of one unsafe time. He knew some of them, mostly gay or bisexual men, and he had always told himself he’d do everything he could to not let the same thing happen to him. As for trusting Uruha… He wanted to, he really did, but his eyes had seen the small note that had fallen from the pocket of his pants when he had undressed him earlier, the note that contained a phone number and a tiny heart in the corner.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, what can I say.. *sigh* I still stick to 'Uruha isn't cheating on Kai', but I can't be sure anymore, since that damn guitarist keeps doing things his own way. >_<
Comments and critics are welcome, especially the latter since I was hardly able to read this over properly and I don't know about all the things I might have done wrong or about how badly this might be written. XD Just please be nice.. >.>
And you know what the strangest thing is? For the past few days I've been in a very good mood, yet this was all I could write. I've no idea why. Oh, and I just realized the song I'm listening to makes me cry.
Next Chapter