All Those Broken Spaces - PG - YunJae
Title: All Those Broken Spaces (part of the Everyday Chronicles)
Length: One Shot. (2,078 words)
Author: Guu.
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance
Summary: Jaejoong feels lonely and decides he'll indulge his slefishness for tonight.
Quick A/N: Hi everyone :) just a quick note to let you all know that I've decided to make a new small series of fics clled "Everyday Chronicles" that are inspired on interviews, rumors and twitter updates. They are all more or less small scenes of little things that might happen while they deal with the lawsuit, separation and their lives. They might or might not be written in chronological order. This one will be the third on the series, "Priorities" and "Here and There, Together" being the first two. As always, thanx Simona for betaing and helping me with it ♥ and if I don't put anything up before 2011, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year for all of you!
(PS: Ill be uploading that Spanish fic I promised soon!)
Previous Everyday Chronicles: Priorities. x Here and there, together. x
...and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
but it's nice today, oh, the wait was so worth it...
All those broken spaces.
It wasn't supposed to come out this way. Jaejoong had made up his mind, he wouldn't back out, but things shouldn't have escalated like this.
He had only one request. Just one simple request. Now instead of what he wanted he found himself pacing across his living room with unshed tears of frustration behind his eyelids and a black hole in the pitch of his stomach, fiercely clutching his Blackberry to his ear and yelling through it to the person on the other side of the line.
He was paying the price of selfishness.
"I already said I'd try to make some time, why are you being so difficult?" asked the voice on the other side, words hushed and laced with mild irritation. They had been arguing for the past half hour.
"I don't need you to make time, I just want to see you, yes? Just for like five minutes, Yunho. Just five fucking minutes of your time."
"I've got a complicated day, Jaejoong-ah. I won't be alone even for five minutes."
"I can come to wherever you are...! I'll call you and--and--all I want to do is see you, Yunho, I'm not asking for a fucking date or your whole goddamn night, hell, I'm not even asking you to stay with me that long---"
"We've already discussed this," the voice interrupts with an annoyed sight, "I don't get why you're bringing this up again."
Jaejoong's breath catches in his throat and something inside him bursts.
"Because it's Christmas!" he yells, "Because you are my boyfriend and I want to see you!! Because I don't want Christmas Eve to come and find me drunk and lonely on my fucking couch!! Because I feel like crap and the only thing I want for Christmas is to see you even for a fucking second...!"
His pacing gets more and more nervous as he speaks. His right foot catches on the carpet and he trips, almost hitting Jiji who is running around him, as if he could feel his master's restlessness in his own body. Jiji mewls loudly and Jaejoong curses, regaining his balance and feeling thankful he didn't fall, because that would just make his goddamn day. There is silence at the other end of the line and he doesn't know what to make of it.
"Jae," the other man finally whispers, "I'm sorry--"
"I don't want to hear it," he interrupts. Ha takes a deep breath because his throat is tight with tears he refuses to let roll down his cheeks. He can hear Yunho's breaths against his ear, and suddenly a wave of guilt overcomes him and he takes a step backwards, falling heavily on the couch as his legs give in under the weight of his sorrow. He understands Yunho, however much he has tried to convince himself that he shouldn't, and that his request wasn't too crazy or too impossible to grant. He has agreed to this, just like he has agreed to everything else that would come with the lawsuit, just like he has agreed to leave TVXQ and to face all the challenges and the obstacles that would come from it.
A sob escapes his mouth without him being able to help it, and he covers the receiver to muffle the others that come with it. He had agreed to all of it, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
"Jaejoong-ah."
Yunho's voice is soft and tender and Jaejoong curses himself for being so, so selfish. He wants everything, but life has already taught him that getting everything you want doesn't mean getting everything you expect. He has his freedom, is the owner of his own life and still has his precious relationship with Yunho, yet all he can think about is where to lock himself up and cry. That’s the cost of what he has.
"Forget it," he finally manages to say. He regrets how miserable his voice comes out, but he can't help how the sound scratches his throat. "I'm sorry I called," he says, "I'll try to be more reasonable the next time---." He hushes himself; he can't speak another word. He cuts the line before he can whisper I love you.
In the stillness of his apartment, he becomes quiet. Silence embraces him and he stares at the little device without batting an eyelash. He hears nothing, except for the deafening void where Yunho's voice has just been. Suddenly, his Blackberry lights up and a chirping sound announces another call. The screen reads "ddukbokgi". It's Yunho.
Still, Jaejoong doesn't have the heart to pick up. He can't think of anything to say that wouldn't bring his world tumbling down, and instead he gives in to the knot crawling through his vocal chords and bursts into bitter tears, throwing his cell phone over the table and covering his face with his hands.
I deserve all of this, he thinks before succumbing to sadness.
He cries for the best part of two hours, until the rebellious part of him that hasn't given up on life yet makes him pick his sorry ass up from the couch and into the house. He feeds his cat, does his laundry, tidies the living room and cleans part of the kitchen. When he can't think of anything else to do, he opens a bottle of soju and downs half of it in one gulp. He seriously considers taking his Christmas tree down; it's about three days before the 25th but he already doesn't feel like celebrating at all. Maybe he won’t even go out with Junsu or Yoochun, and he’ll stay at his place with just his alcohol and his cat.
He sits in silence until a banging sound interrupts his musings. It's his door, and the sound is loud and impatient. He frowns and looks at the table where the empty soju bottle stares back at him mockingly.
"Go away!" he yells. "I'm not home!"
The sound repeats itself and he grumbles loudly. He turns around, as if not looking at the door could make it stop. If anything, the banging increases, and he forces himself out of his couch. Suddenly hit by anger, he stomps his way to the door and opens it without even asking who it is, ready to scream and shout at whoever is at the other side.
He doesn't expect to find an outraged-looking Yunho with his fist up in the air and another hand holding his chest as he gasps for breath. He looks like he has run a marathon in five minutes.
Jaejoong blinks, wondering if the sight is actually true or a product of loneliness and drinking. Yunho steps forward and closes the door with a bang that makes the older man jump. He is still trying to catch his breath, a defiant glint in his eyes. Jaejoong can't figure out the look on his face: he isn't angry but he does seem somewhat upset. However, before he has the chance to ask, Yunho grabs his face and crashes their mouths together.
The older man blinks and closes his eyes. Everything is happening too fast for his mind to process, so he kisses back, until the warmth of the other's body settles into his and he realizes this is all actually happening.
"Yunho-yah," he mumbles when the other pulls away to breathe. Jaejoong stays still as he looks into Yunho's almond-shaped eyes. The taller man is frowning but there's conviction in his stance as he holds Jaejoong close to him, tight. Jaejoong gulps and looks down, into Yunho's shoulder. Why is he so damn lucky? Just to have this man by his side, how could he have the nerve to complain about life...?
He feels Yunho relax against him as that afternoon's incident comes back to mind, and lacking anything better to do, he buries his face against the leather-clad shoulder if just to hide the flood of tears he's sure is about to ensue. He sobs once or twice, and as the feelings rush through him and out, he wraps his hands around his lover's arms and lets the man comfort him for once.
"I came here as soon as I could," whispers the taller man, caressing his mess of a boyfriend's silky hair, "I can't bear to hear you cry, Jaejoong-ah. If you felt lonely, you should have just said so."
His words only make Jaejoong cry harder, but Yunho understands him better than anyone, and knows this is a good sign. The man holds back too much and barely knows when to let go. This always results in days like this, in which he'll let out everything at once, hoping somebody will catch him when he falls. It has never really been about Christmas.
When Jaejoong has calmed down, Yunho lets go of the embrace, still caressing the back of the singer's head.
"Feeling better?" he whispers. Jaejoong nods as he wipes his eyes.
"Sorry," he hiccups, feeling a little embarrassed at his outburst. He closes his eyes and lets Yunho kiss his cheeks. His voice is heavy and his anger has been tamed, leaving only calm lethargy behind. "You shouldn't have come like that..."
"I would have gone crazy if I didn't see you. If you don't pick up the phone, I worry. It's automatic."
Jaejoong tries to smile as Yunho embraces him again, but his mouth and his eyes feel too heavy.
"Are you still mad at me?"
"I can't be mad at you even if I want to," answers the older man. "Because you're so damn perfect--I--I don't deserve you."
A sob threatens to break out, but he hiccups instead, and Yunho pulls them apart to look into his eyes, moving his bangs out of his face.
"Stupid," he says, all outrage and indignant eyes, "you deserve much more than what I can give you."
Jaejoong bats his hand away and shakes his head, mumbling nonono before burying his face back into Yunho's shoulder. It feels so nice against Yunho's body that he can't help but to hold on to it, until the day Yunho realizes he's too good for this and lets Jaejoong go.
After a while, they get themselves to the black couch, where Yunho holds Jaejoong until he has let everything out. There are so many wrong things going on in his life that it takes a while for him to count them all. Yunho listens patiently, and even if he doesn't agree with half of the things Jaejoong says or does, he nods and comforts his lover, telling him everything will be alright. They know better than this, of course, but all they can do is support each other and pretend they believe in the other's words. This is the only way they can go on together.
When silence falls between them once again, Yunho sighs.
"Jaejoong-ah."
Jaejoong hums against his arm and Yunho continues.
"About Christmas..."
The topic produces a low moan that should have been a sigh from the blonde singer. He lets go of Yunho's arm and sits properly by his side.
"I don't care about Christmas," he says, sounding earnest. "I promise."
Yunho doesn't want anything more than to grant this beautiful man whatever he wishes for, but he is only a man, and there's only so much a man can do.
"I'll make up for it, I promise," he says, guilty for something he hasn't even done. This is all he ever does, all he can do.
"You already have."
They lean forward and let their mouths meet in a shy, regretful kiss. It's already past midnight and tiredness soon takes its toll on both men. Yunho should be leaving too, so he tucks Jaejoong into bed and lays by his side for a while, until the man falls soundly asleep.
--
When Jaejoong wakes up the next morning, Yunho has been gone for a while, but instead of his presence, the blonde man finds two colorful boxes neatly wrapped up in shiny paper over the living room table. One of them reads JiJi, and the other Jaejoong♥.
Jaejoong smiles. He takes the presents and places them under the Christmas tree, trying to stifle a big yawn that lingers on his mouth for a few seconds. If he tries hard enough, he might even survive this Christmas unscathed.
And if he doesn't, he can always count on someone willing to have his back.
---
Length: One Shot. (2,078 words)
Author: Guu.
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance
Summary: Jaejoong feels lonely and decides he'll indulge his slefishness for tonight.
Quick A/N: Hi everyone :) just a quick note to let you all know that I've decided to make a new small series of fics clled "Everyday Chronicles" that are inspired on interviews, rumors and twitter updates. They are all more or less small scenes of little things that might happen while they deal with the lawsuit, separation and their lives. They might or might not be written in chronological order. This one will be the third on the series, "Priorities" and "Here and There, Together" being the first two. As always, thanx Simona for betaing and helping me with it ♥ and if I don't put anything up before 2011, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year for all of you!
(PS: Ill be uploading that Spanish fic I promised soon!)
Previous Everyday Chronicles: Priorities. x Here and there, together. x
...and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
but it's nice today, oh, the wait was so worth it...
All those broken spaces.
It wasn't supposed to come out this way. Jaejoong had made up his mind, he wouldn't back out, but things shouldn't have escalated like this.
He had only one request. Just one simple request. Now instead of what he wanted he found himself pacing across his living room with unshed tears of frustration behind his eyelids and a black hole in the pitch of his stomach, fiercely clutching his Blackberry to his ear and yelling through it to the person on the other side of the line.
He was paying the price of selfishness.
"I already said I'd try to make some time, why are you being so difficult?" asked the voice on the other side, words hushed and laced with mild irritation. They had been arguing for the past half hour.
"I don't need you to make time, I just want to see you, yes? Just for like five minutes, Yunho. Just five fucking minutes of your time."
"I've got a complicated day, Jaejoong-ah. I won't be alone even for five minutes."
"I can come to wherever you are...! I'll call you and--and--all I want to do is see you, Yunho, I'm not asking for a fucking date or your whole goddamn night, hell, I'm not even asking you to stay with me that long---"
"We've already discussed this," the voice interrupts with an annoyed sight, "I don't get why you're bringing this up again."
Jaejoong's breath catches in his throat and something inside him bursts.
"Because it's Christmas!" he yells, "Because you are my boyfriend and I want to see you!! Because I don't want Christmas Eve to come and find me drunk and lonely on my fucking couch!! Because I feel like crap and the only thing I want for Christmas is to see you even for a fucking second...!"
His pacing gets more and more nervous as he speaks. His right foot catches on the carpet and he trips, almost hitting Jiji who is running around him, as if he could feel his master's restlessness in his own body. Jiji mewls loudly and Jaejoong curses, regaining his balance and feeling thankful he didn't fall, because that would just make his goddamn day. There is silence at the other end of the line and he doesn't know what to make of it.
"Jae," the other man finally whispers, "I'm sorry--"
"I don't want to hear it," he interrupts. Ha takes a deep breath because his throat is tight with tears he refuses to let roll down his cheeks. He can hear Yunho's breaths against his ear, and suddenly a wave of guilt overcomes him and he takes a step backwards, falling heavily on the couch as his legs give in under the weight of his sorrow. He understands Yunho, however much he has tried to convince himself that he shouldn't, and that his request wasn't too crazy or too impossible to grant. He has agreed to this, just like he has agreed to everything else that would come with the lawsuit, just like he has agreed to leave TVXQ and to face all the challenges and the obstacles that would come from it.
A sob escapes his mouth without him being able to help it, and he covers the receiver to muffle the others that come with it. He had agreed to all of it, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
"Jaejoong-ah."
Yunho's voice is soft and tender and Jaejoong curses himself for being so, so selfish. He wants everything, but life has already taught him that getting everything you want doesn't mean getting everything you expect. He has his freedom, is the owner of his own life and still has his precious relationship with Yunho, yet all he can think about is where to lock himself up and cry. That’s the cost of what he has.
"Forget it," he finally manages to say. He regrets how miserable his voice comes out, but he can't help how the sound scratches his throat. "I'm sorry I called," he says, "I'll try to be more reasonable the next time---." He hushes himself; he can't speak another word. He cuts the line before he can whisper I love you.
In the stillness of his apartment, he becomes quiet. Silence embraces him and he stares at the little device without batting an eyelash. He hears nothing, except for the deafening void where Yunho's voice has just been. Suddenly, his Blackberry lights up and a chirping sound announces another call. The screen reads "ddukbokgi". It's Yunho.
Still, Jaejoong doesn't have the heart to pick up. He can't think of anything to say that wouldn't bring his world tumbling down, and instead he gives in to the knot crawling through his vocal chords and bursts into bitter tears, throwing his cell phone over the table and covering his face with his hands.
I deserve all of this, he thinks before succumbing to sadness.
He cries for the best part of two hours, until the rebellious part of him that hasn't given up on life yet makes him pick his sorry ass up from the couch and into the house. He feeds his cat, does his laundry, tidies the living room and cleans part of the kitchen. When he can't think of anything else to do, he opens a bottle of soju and downs half of it in one gulp. He seriously considers taking his Christmas tree down; it's about three days before the 25th but he already doesn't feel like celebrating at all. Maybe he won’t even go out with Junsu or Yoochun, and he’ll stay at his place with just his alcohol and his cat.
He sits in silence until a banging sound interrupts his musings. It's his door, and the sound is loud and impatient. He frowns and looks at the table where the empty soju bottle stares back at him mockingly.
"Go away!" he yells. "I'm not home!"
The sound repeats itself and he grumbles loudly. He turns around, as if not looking at the door could make it stop. If anything, the banging increases, and he forces himself out of his couch. Suddenly hit by anger, he stomps his way to the door and opens it without even asking who it is, ready to scream and shout at whoever is at the other side.
He doesn't expect to find an outraged-looking Yunho with his fist up in the air and another hand holding his chest as he gasps for breath. He looks like he has run a marathon in five minutes.
Jaejoong blinks, wondering if the sight is actually true or a product of loneliness and drinking. Yunho steps forward and closes the door with a bang that makes the older man jump. He is still trying to catch his breath, a defiant glint in his eyes. Jaejoong can't figure out the look on his face: he isn't angry but he does seem somewhat upset. However, before he has the chance to ask, Yunho grabs his face and crashes their mouths together.
The older man blinks and closes his eyes. Everything is happening too fast for his mind to process, so he kisses back, until the warmth of the other's body settles into his and he realizes this is all actually happening.
"Yunho-yah," he mumbles when the other pulls away to breathe. Jaejoong stays still as he looks into Yunho's almond-shaped eyes. The taller man is frowning but there's conviction in his stance as he holds Jaejoong close to him, tight. Jaejoong gulps and looks down, into Yunho's shoulder. Why is he so damn lucky? Just to have this man by his side, how could he have the nerve to complain about life...?
He feels Yunho relax against him as that afternoon's incident comes back to mind, and lacking anything better to do, he buries his face against the leather-clad shoulder if just to hide the flood of tears he's sure is about to ensue. He sobs once or twice, and as the feelings rush through him and out, he wraps his hands around his lover's arms and lets the man comfort him for once.
"I came here as soon as I could," whispers the taller man, caressing his mess of a boyfriend's silky hair, "I can't bear to hear you cry, Jaejoong-ah. If you felt lonely, you should have just said so."
His words only make Jaejoong cry harder, but Yunho understands him better than anyone, and knows this is a good sign. The man holds back too much and barely knows when to let go. This always results in days like this, in which he'll let out everything at once, hoping somebody will catch him when he falls. It has never really been about Christmas.
When Jaejoong has calmed down, Yunho lets go of the embrace, still caressing the back of the singer's head.
"Feeling better?" he whispers. Jaejoong nods as he wipes his eyes.
"Sorry," he hiccups, feeling a little embarrassed at his outburst. He closes his eyes and lets Yunho kiss his cheeks. His voice is heavy and his anger has been tamed, leaving only calm lethargy behind. "You shouldn't have come like that..."
"I would have gone crazy if I didn't see you. If you don't pick up the phone, I worry. It's automatic."
Jaejoong tries to smile as Yunho embraces him again, but his mouth and his eyes feel too heavy.
"Are you still mad at me?"
"I can't be mad at you even if I want to," answers the older man. "Because you're so damn perfect--I--I don't deserve you."
A sob threatens to break out, but he hiccups instead, and Yunho pulls them apart to look into his eyes, moving his bangs out of his face.
"Stupid," he says, all outrage and indignant eyes, "you deserve much more than what I can give you."
Jaejoong bats his hand away and shakes his head, mumbling nonono before burying his face back into Yunho's shoulder. It feels so nice against Yunho's body that he can't help but to hold on to it, until the day Yunho realizes he's too good for this and lets Jaejoong go.
After a while, they get themselves to the black couch, where Yunho holds Jaejoong until he has let everything out. There are so many wrong things going on in his life that it takes a while for him to count them all. Yunho listens patiently, and even if he doesn't agree with half of the things Jaejoong says or does, he nods and comforts his lover, telling him everything will be alright. They know better than this, of course, but all they can do is support each other and pretend they believe in the other's words. This is the only way they can go on together.
When silence falls between them once again, Yunho sighs.
"Jaejoong-ah."
Jaejoong hums against his arm and Yunho continues.
"About Christmas..."
The topic produces a low moan that should have been a sigh from the blonde singer. He lets go of Yunho's arm and sits properly by his side.
"I don't care about Christmas," he says, sounding earnest. "I promise."
Yunho doesn't want anything more than to grant this beautiful man whatever he wishes for, but he is only a man, and there's only so much a man can do.
"I'll make up for it, I promise," he says, guilty for something he hasn't even done. This is all he ever does, all he can do.
"You already have."
They lean forward and let their mouths meet in a shy, regretful kiss. It's already past midnight and tiredness soon takes its toll on both men. Yunho should be leaving too, so he tucks Jaejoong into bed and lays by his side for a while, until the man falls soundly asleep.
--
When Jaejoong wakes up the next morning, Yunho has been gone for a while, but instead of his presence, the blonde man finds two colorful boxes neatly wrapped up in shiny paper over the living room table. One of them reads JiJi, and the other Jaejoong♥.
Jaejoong smiles. He takes the presents and places them under the Christmas tree, trying to stifle a big yawn that lingers on his mouth for a few seconds. If he tries hard enough, he might even survive this Christmas unscathed.
And if he doesn't, he can always count on someone willing to have his back.
---