FANFIC OH SHI-
So I did a Raz/Bobby fanfic. And I'm probably going to get killed for the special guest appearance in this, but hey, I treated the entity in question with the utmost respect and kept him as IC as I could with the information I had! :D
Title:The Clean-Up Chronicles (Possibly the start of a series. we'll see.)
Fandom:Psychonauts
Rating:PG-13 for slash and swearing.
Summary:Raz wants Bobby to clean the apartment. Bobby doesn't want to. Raz takes DRASTIC ACTION. With a surprise guest appearance at the end!
Warnings: SLASH. Raz/Bobby. Also, Sasha acting SO VERY OOC. But in a fairly IC way. 8D
"You need to help out more around here."
Bobby paused his game. And slowly, slowly turned to stare at Raz. A long, long stare. As if Raz had just asked him if penguins tasted like chocolate.
"...You heard me, man. this place is becoming a bear pit-"
"Yeah, well, if I see any bears I'll ring up Mikhail and he'll deal with it."
Raz rolled his eyes. He shouldn't have agreed to let Bobby stay. When he wasn't making a mess accumulate around him, he was dragging Raz away from important paperwork to challenge him to hour-long games on whatever game system Bobby was engrossed in that day(Though the animosity that Bobby used to have towards Raz was long gone, the rivalry still surfaced at least once a week through gaming sessions and amazingly complex practical jokes unleashed from either party onto the other). He had no job, and didn't seem to be interested in finding one, and he did next to nothing to help in the house.
Of course, there was one big reason why Raz let Bobby stay, and that was the matter of his father, one Caligosto Loboto, whom was taking up residence in their spare room at present. He and Bobby were the only ones really capable of stopping him going on an aimless gleeful brain-stealing rampage (his original mission was seven years dead) right now, and Raz didn't want to think about what would happen if he was let out of the house where he could get away from Bobby and go do just that.
"I'm serious, Bobby. I can't think with two week's worth of pizza boxes towering over me. You gotta clear some of this up."
Bobby groaned. "Augh, it ain't so bad-"Raz psiblasted a curious mouse that had ventured from the pile of pizza boxes to pick at the leftover chinese food laying on the table into oblivion."...Okay, you had mice even before we moved in. You told me."
"Yeah, one or two as opposed to two billion. If you don't do something I'm gonna have to take drastic action."
"Yeah, you and what army-OH GOD NO ANYTHING BUT THAT NO NO NOOOOOOOO!!" It was amazing what holding Bobby's Wii out of the window of a third-floor apartment would do for negotiations with him. "OKAY, OKAY, I'LL CLEAN! JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID!"
"Okay!" Raz pulled the Wii back into the apartment. "But I'm taking it to work with me, just to make sure you don't get distracted by Twilight Princess."
"I HATE YOU SO MUCH."
"That's nice, Bobby." Raz grinned, on his way out the door. "Have fuuuun!" And with that, he departed.
Bobby stood for a moment, smouldering. What the hell was wrong with Raz?! He already had his hands full with keeping his batshit insane father quiet and happy - which mostly consisted of buying him various puzzles and the like, sneaking him a few hours Raz's laptop to let him play about on Neopets daily and smuggling in the odd squirrel for him to "play" with every so often - without having to pick shit up added to the list. With a resigned sigh, Bobby trudged through to the kitchen to pick up some binliners.
Loboto was in there already. Well, to be precise, his back end was in the kitchen. the other half of him was inside the fridge. "I know I saw some scotch eggs in here last night, don't tell me they've eaten them alrea-AHA! here we go!" A long pause followed. "...And now I can't get back out."
Bobby sighed, and used TK to pull his father out of the fridge(which Loboto responded to with a cheerful "Good Morning, Robert!"). "You shoulda told me you were hungry, dad!"
"I can fend for myself, my dear boy, I don't really need you waiting on me hand and foot." Loboto said, spraying crumbs of scotch egg everywhere. "Besides, shouldn't you be looking for a job?"
"Yeah, but... I can't find anything, really, and-" Bobby tried to skirt round the issue whenever Raz or his father brought it up. The last time he'd applied for an interview was a nightmare. They'd actually had the balls to tell him his appearance was "inappropriate" for that line of work! They could have at least had the balls to tell him "Yer too ugly to work for us, fuck off!" instead of giving him all that politically correct bullshit!
Granted, he'd been applying for a job in a nursery and he was wearing his "HOW DARE I WEAR THIS GODDAMN SHIRT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING KIDS?!" t-shirt at the interview, but still...
"Oh, honestly Robert, you just need to keep trying, you'll find something eventually..."
Bobby grabbed the binliners and headed back to the living room, Loboto tailing him. "I know, man, but I've got you to look after. I can't leave you in on your own all day."
"Why not?"
"Hm, let's see..." Bobby pretended to think as he dumped pizza boxes into the waiting binliner. "You'd sneak out of the house, go on a brain-stealing rampage, eat puppies, the cops would eventually gun you down and when they found out where you'd been hiding Raz'd get fired and I'd go to jail for like, EVER."
"Other than that, though." Loboto retorted. "You get a job and I'll behave while you're gone, honest..."
"You mean like that time that I went out for milk and caught you trying to hotwire a car on my way back?"
"....Uh....I was worried about you?"
Bobby sighed. "Look, your attention span's too short for me to leave you here on your own."
"It wouldn't be if you'd just let me borrow Razputin's brain! Just for a while!" Loboto said with a slight squee, onto his favorite subject. "Oh the things I could-"
"YOU ARE SO NOT TAKING OUT RAZ'S BRAIN, DAD!"
"...What, do you still have that crush on him?" Loboto was grinning even more widely than usual now. "Maybe if it's going on this long, it's more than a cru-"
"AUGH!" Bobby averted Loboto's gaze and tossed the chinese takeaway boxes into the bag, mortified. "I TOLD YOU I DO NOT, AND HAVE NEVER, HAD A CRUSH ON RAZ."
"...And you called him Goggalicious. Robert, that's not an insult. I called your mother similar things to that before you were born and we were still in love and horny."
"Argh, shut up! It sounded better in my head."
Loboto just grinned. Then noticed what Bobby was doing at last. "Do you want me to give you some help?"
Bobby shrugged. "It'll make it go faster, I guess. Pull up a bin liner."
Loboto did so, emptying a wastebin filled with beer cans into it. "Are you sure you don't-"
"I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT RAZPUTIN."
"Hyahahahahahoohoohoohoohooooo! Sure you don't, Mr President!"
-----
Raz plonked himself down at his desk, laying the box containing Bobby's most loved game console to the side of the keyboard. "Maybe without that he'll actually DO something... Ah, who am I kidding, he'll just end up playing XBox Live all day." Raz then proceeded to headdesk with a mighty THUNK.
Sasha happened to walk by at that point. "...Are you okay?"
"Trying to get Bobby to clean the house, but I think he's just gonna goof off all day." Raz replied, his voice muffled by the desk.
"You put up with too much from him, you know." Sasha, like everyone else at HQ, did not know about the special guest in Raz's apartment, even though he really, really should have told someone. He didn't really have a good reason for not doing so, unless he counted Bobby's near-hysterical begging that Raz didn't send his father to jail when he'd paid a surprise visit to Bobby one day last year, wondering how his bully/rival/friend was getting on after all those years, and nearly got de-brained by Loboto as soon as he set foot in the house. Raz had reluctantly agreed on the condition that they move in with him, so at the very least if something happened he'd be at hand to put it right, or at the least prevent it from getting worse.
Loboto had hated this arrangement at first. He'd screamed and raved when he'd learned he was leaving Bobby's garage for a much smaller "working space", and was constantly picking the lock on the door with his right arm's claws for the first month. It was only after Bobby had removed the lock from the room's door and he was more or less allowed to wander the house freely that he'd calmed down to any extent, and it'd taken three months for him to not constantly attempt to remove Raz's brain, three months in which Bobby had been forced to take a crash course on how to recranialise his roommate. Eventually Loboto accepted Raz's "DO NOT REMOVE BRAIN" status, but Raz knew that he'd still love to get his hands on his brain.... At least Loboto knew how to wash clothes, or Bobby would either be killing people with the stench. Or running around naked.
Raz quickly thought of a reasonable excuse for why Bobby was still allowed to stay at his place. Quickly! Must...become....master... WORDSMITH.
"Eh, he's not that bad... He's... funny and stuff..." God, LAME, LAME excuse. Raz mentally cursed his wordsmithing skills.
A cocked eyebrow. "Razputin, that's not a good enough reason to give him free room and board. He's still unemployed, right?"
"Yuh huh."
"You need to give him an ultimatum - either he gets a job, keeps the house spartan, or gets out."
"I guess, but... Then who's gonna-" Raz stopped dead. Almost too much info there. "Uh... wait for the delivery guy when I buy things off EBay... Yeah."
Sasha was clearly not buying it. Raz sighed, figuring they'd seen Loboto at his place, waiting for the "GODDAMN IT CONFESS YOU FOOL OR WE'LL RANSACK YOUR HOUSE" speech--
"Raz... If you and Bobby are in a relationship, then you should just say."
Raz nearly choked, blushing insanely. "WHAT-"
"I can put two and two together, Razputin. Bobby moved in with you a week after you broke up with Lilli, you don't kick him out even though he seemingly contributes nothing to-"
"Sasha, you just made five from that two and two equation, you know that? BOBBY IS NOT MY PARTNER! GOD, SASHA!" Raz's face was rapidly turning red, which was probably making Sasha think otherwise.
"Yes, Razputin. Keep telling yourself that." A long, awkward pause. "Why is there a Wii on your desk?"
"It's Bobby's. I figured if I took it away for the day he might clean instead."
"Ah... You know... if it works on getting him to clean the house, maybe you should confiscate it till he gets a job."
"...You want me to loan it to you, don't you?!"
"Please?" That one word was in the most begging, pleading tone Raz had ever heard Sasha use.
"...No. Bobby'd beat the crap out of me."
"I know about Loboto."
"WHAT??"
"I'll tell Truman unless you let me loan it for a week or two. Just till my own one gets shipped."
"This is blackmail!!"
"Razputin...The Wii, if you don't mind?"
Milla popped her head in the door. "Darling, are you trying to con Raz out of his Wii?"
"It's not even mine! It's Bobby's!"
"Oh, I'm sure he won't mind considering the persuasive argument I just gave you." Sasha replied, inching ever closer to the Wii.
"Sasha! You're not pretending that noone else knows about Dr Loboto, are you?"
Raz's jaw hit the floor. "Wait, WHAT?!"
"Razputin, we've known that Loboto's been living with Bobby for years now. We've just not done anything to take him into custody because he's been classified as no longer a threat." Milla explained. Raz decided not to mention that this was only because he and Bobby were constantly making sure he never got out of the house to do any damage.
"Wow, Sasha." Raz glared over at the german psychic. "That's... really, really low."
Sasha didn't flinch at the look Raz gave him. "...It would have been worth it for the Wii."
"I'm sorry about Sasha, Raz darling..." Milla apologised. "He's been like this since his Wii was backordered. You're the fith person in the building he's tried to blackmail one out of..."
"ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT." Sasha boomed all of a sudden. "I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago!" Sasha grabbed Raz by the shoulders, and---
-----
Finally, after five binliners full of trash, new sheets on all the beds and a thorough Shake-N-Vac of the carpet (During which Loboto had insisted he did the dance from the old adverts), the apartment was clean at last. Father and son lay on the now spotless sofa, aching from the work. Loboto piped up."See, isn't this better?"
"I might appreciate it more if I could still feel anything other than pain and a lament for my lost Wii." Bobby replied.
"That's oddly poetic for you, Robert!"
"Yeah, well, when I have no Wii my brain starts working again. AND THINKING HURTS." Bobby miserably retorted. Suddenly, Raz walked in, looking somewhat sheepish.
Bobby instantly leaped up and started acting like a hyperactive terrier. "RAZLOOKLOOKICLEANEDTHEENTIREFUCKINGHOUSEIEVENMADETHEBEDSNOWWHERE'SMYFUCKINGWIIIIIIIIIIIII????"
Raz was impressed, he had to admit. But it was hard to be impressed when you think you're about to die. "Uh... see... the thing is... Sasha borrowed it."
Bobby could do nothing but gape stupidly for several minutes. "...YOU WHAT."
"I couldn't help it." Raz said in a tiny voice. "He used powerful persuasion techniques on me..."
-FLASHBACK OMG-
"PUH-LEE-HEE-HEEEEEEEESE! AAAAAAUUUGHAHAHHAHAAAA, I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO SURVIVE THE NEXT FORTNIGHT, RAZPUTIIIIIN! WHY AREN'T YOU BEING A GOOD FRIIIIIEEEEEEEND??? AAAAAAUUUGHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Raz tried to pry the bawling psychonaut off him. "He's... actually crying. Think I should give in?"
"Uh...."
"AAAAAAUUUGHAHAHHAHAAAA I BET MORRY WOULD HAVE LET ME BORROW HIS WII IF HE WASN'T A SONY FANBOY WITH A PSTHREEEEEEHEEHEEEEE!!"
Milla sighed. "I think you'd better, darling. Put him out of his misery... it'll make him quieter at home, at least."
-FLASHBACK END ZOMG-
"...Agent Sasha Nein. Cried like a baby. Because he wanted to use my Wii."
"Yyyyep."
"I am both amazingly amused and horrified." Bobby said.
"Good news, though. Apparently the Psychonauts don't consider Loboto a threat anymore, so I guess we can take him out for a walk every day or something."
"Ooooh!" Loboto was near-euphoric at this news, having not seen outdoors for a long time. "There's a bunch of movies I wanna see out at the cinema just now!"
Bobby grinned. "What, Brain Stealing Dentists From Europa Three?"
"Oh my, that too, but I was thinking more along the lines of the new James Bond film."
Raz grinned and held up a six-pack of beer and a bottle of Smirnoff he'd picked up on the way home. "I figured seeing as it's kinda a cause for celebration, we should get stinking drunk!"
Bobby cackled. "FINALLY, you suggest something cool today!"
-------
"Hahahahaha, so I says to him, "You're right, he's so agile, and limber, and...and THIN! He could NEVER be you!" and OH MY GOD his face was... it was fuggin' priceless! And he admitted he was the Phantom right on the spot!" Raz laughed, pouring more beer down his throat. He was on his second can and was already pretty sloshed, but it wasn't stopping him yet.
"So what did he say to that?" Bobby enquired, pouring himself another vodka and Coke. He was far more used to alcohol than Raz, but he was starting to feel the effect of the booze thanks to having drunk more and of a stronger drink.
As Raz related the tale of how he defeated the Phantom of the Catwalks to Bobby, Loboto watched them both slyly, plotting, plotting. He was determined to prove that Bobby had some feelings for Raz. Why did he think Bobby had feelings for Raz? Well, in case it slipped your attention, Loboto is insane, and he can't really justify many of the things he thinks or does by normal standards. This is one of those things.
In the end, Loboto didn't have to do much of anything, though, as two more cans later, Raz stood to get more beer and promptly fell over.
"....Hey, Bobby. Dude. I can't reach the beer from here. Pass me a new can?"
Bobby looked over Raz. Bobby had gotten drunk with people enough to know when someone'd had enough, and Raz had very had enough. If he had any more, he'd probably throw up. And Bobby JUST cleaned that rug. "Naw, man, you've had enough for now."
"Awwwww, but Bobbyyyyyyyyy!" Raz crawled over to the blue boy, latching onto his leg. "C'mon Bobby old buddy old pal, remember when I saved your brain years ago? YOU OWE ME."
"I figured not breaking your teeth when you came up to me earlier and went "WASN'T THAT GREAT WHEN I BEAT YOU IN THAT LEVITATION RACE??" was repayment enough for that."
"Yeah, I guess.... Still. gimmieanotherbeer."
"No."
"Please?"
"NO."
"...I'll give you ten buuuucks."
"...Wellll... wait, NO!"
"Awww! Well fuck you. I'll get the damn beer MYSELF." Raz crawled up Bobby, using him to pull himself upright. he took a determined step towards the beer on the other side of the room...
THUD.
"Why is the rug on the wall? And why are you standing on the wall? That's weird."
Gravity, 1, Raz, 0. Bobby couldn't help laughing.
"Robert, why don't you put your enebriated friend there to bed?" Loboto suggested. "Besides, if he stays in here, he might actually get to the beer at some point." Loboto's bottom lip quivered dramatically." And that beer's MIIIINE!"
Bobby sighed. Despite his father's somewhat selfish motive, he had a point - Raz was just that sort of stubborn that he'd probably actually manage to get to the beer somehow if he was left in the living room. Probably through a Macgyver'd together grappling hook made from paperclips, chewing gum and unravelled wool from his sweater. He hauled Raz upright and all but dragged him into his room. "C'mon, Raz, bedtime."
"Noooooo! I wanna stay uuup!" Raz wailed like a six-year-old, attempting to squirm free and failing. Eventually, Bobby managed to dump him on the bed, only to realise that the battle was not yet won - Raz was clinging to his arm as tightly as he could.
"Leggo."
"Nope." Raz grinned.
"Let go!"
"Nope!" The grin got wider.
"DAMMIT RAZ!"
"Nnnnope!" Yes, Raz was enjoying this thoroughly.
Bobby fumed, but was NOT giving in to Raz's stupid and made a vodka-fuelled decision that there was only one course of action here - lie on the damn bed with him till he fell asleep.
Raz watched as Bobby crawled under the covers, glaring daggers at him all the while. "You're not gonna give in and let me have my beer?"
"NO. You're sleeping now whether of your own free will or if I have to punch your goddamn lights out."
"Okay!" Raz giggled drunkenly and then - to Bobby's eternal surprise - grabbed him in a great big bear hug. "Nowwww I get to snuggle up to your HAIR."
Bobby had a spaz attack at this point. "GYAAA WHAT THE--"
Raz squeed at Bobby's reaction. "I just wanna use your hair as a pillow, Hairboy!"
"Goggalicious!" That retort was pretty much an automatic response by now.
"Hahaha.... Heyyyy, Bobbyyyy... Why d'you call me that, anyway?"
"...Because when I was ten I didn't think before insulting ya. Go to sleep."
"You sure?" God, did drunkenness make Raz perceptive. "As in, really really sure?"
"...Maybe."
"That's not an answer, it's an excuse... "
"....I'll tell ya in the morning." If he was being honest with himself, Bobby didn't actually know himself why he'd chosen that particular term of phrase to describe Raz back then. He hadn't really thought about it, other than right then...
The only reason he could think of in his semi-drink addled state is that it was the first thing that came to mind when he saw Raz. But why would he think that? It's not like---
Oh, dear GOD. WHAT THE FUCK.
Ah, crashing realisation, what instantly-sobering horrors you bring to young Master Zilch. Namely the crashing realisation that Loboto was possibly right. Bobby's only thought now was to squirm away from the now unconcious and snoring Raz, who was still clinging tightly to him in his sleep, but all his squirming achieved was to somehow end up face-to-face with the other boy(and a faceful of beer breath), at which point he resigned himself to being stuck with Raz for the night.
After a few minutes, Bobby calmed down a bit and let his drunken mind wander. Did it really matter if he...liked... Raz that way? Not really, if he'd really liked him from the start. He just knew why the hell he'd bothered to not continue hating his guts...
His last thought before drifting off was that maybe getting stuck with Raz clung to him for a night wasn't so bad after all...
-----
"Aooooow.... AAAUGH!..."
Raz had awoke. And had discovered the joy of killer hangovers.
Bobby slowly awoke to Raz's pained howling and his own hangover, which, while definitly not the worst one he'd ever had, was highly unpleasant nonetheless.
"Bobby, you 'wake?" Raz whined, his head surfacing from under the covers.
"Yeah. Not so loud, though." Bobby winced, sitting up. "You okay?"
"Noooo. Head...so much PAIN. Like being in a room with a billion angry Dogens...!"
"It's called a hangover, Raz. Don't tell me you've never had one before!"
"Yeah, I have, just... not this baaaaad!" Raz was almost crying by now. He'd been beaten up by hordes of censors, hit by charging luminescent pink bulls and much more in his psychonaut career, but he'd never felt this bad. Ever.
Bobby sat up, attempting to focus on the bottle of asprin on the desk on other side of the room, trying to TK it over.(which gave him more of a headache than getting up and getting the bottle manually would have) It suddenly wobbled, then shot over and hit him right in the face. Obviously, he focused too hard. Rubbing the spot where it hit him, he retrieved a bottle of mineral water that Raz kept on the floor by his bed and opened up both bottles, handing a couple of pills over to Raz.
"Here, this probably won't work much but it's worth a shot..." Raz took the two pills and tried washing it down himself, but was too sickly and hungover and painridden and tired and hungover to do so, repeatedly spilling it over himself. Eventually Bobby had to hold the bottle for him while he drank.
"There, now go back to sleep."
"Okay." A pause. "...Why... are you in bed with me?"
"Because you wouldn't let go of me when I put you to bed last night. You were practically clinging to my face at one point..."
"Ohhhh..." AAAAUGH! OH GOD WHAT IF HE KNOWS-
Much to Raz's horror, Bobby had heard Raz's mental screaming, his mental blocks being down due to the hangover. "What if who knows what?"
"AAH! NOTHING!" SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT HE KNOWS TOO MUCH AUGH GOD-
"Dude, calm down!" Bobby's headache wasn't getting any better with all the mental noise going on. "Know too much about what? I don't even know what the hell you're TALKING about."
"...I don't wanna talk about it." Raz averted his eyes.
"Tell me."
"No."
"TELL MEEE."
"Nooooo!" Raz buried his head under the pillow.
"Don't make me take desperate measures." Bobby growled.
"Bobby, there is no pain that you can inflict on me that isn't already taking place." Raz said from under the pillow.
Bobby thought otherwise, it seemed, as he pinned Raz... and started tickling him. Dear god, he's EVIL.
"AAAUGHHAHAHAHAHAHAHEEHEEHEEHOOHOOHOOQUITITQUITITQUITIT! IT HURTS!" Raz cried and flailed. Well, tried to flail, as he was still hangover-weakened. "LOOK, I REALLY DON'T WANNA TELL YOU ABOUT IT!"
"I don't care!" Bobby yelled cheerfully over Raz's laughter. "I WANT TO KNOW!"
"ALRIGHT, FINE! JUST--JUST LET ME GO!" Raz yowled. Bobby ceased tickling and unpinned him - apon this happening, Raz tried to bolt for the door, if scrambling out of bed and crawling as fast as one can towards the door can be classed as bolting. Bobby, of course, pursued.
"AGH!" Raz found himself once again pinned. ARRGH! Why the hell can't he just let it be?! I tell him and chances are he'll either hate me or run as fast as he can, and I don't wanna lose him... I'd rather have him as just a friend than not here at all...
It took Bobby a few moments for him to realise exactly what Raz was thinking. "...Oh...OH."
Raz realised what had happened. He suddenly felt five hundred times worse than when he woke up.
It had been a gradual thing with Raz. He'd first noticed it one night when they were up watching TV. They'd fought over the remote as usual, and Bobby had won this time, switching the TV show over to Jackass. Raz was not overly fond of watching that show, so he'd taken to glowering over at Bobby instead... Only to find that Bobby was much more interesting than the TV. The boy just couldn't keep still - if he wasn't playing with something in his hands (Raz got Bobby a Rubik's Cube for his birthday based on this observation), he was constantly fidgeting otherwise. Raz often wondered if he had fleas or was just edgy because he hadn't punched anyone or anything in the past few hours.
Raz eventually realised that he wasn't interested in watching Bobby squirm about. He was just interested in Bobby.
He just ignored it, most of the time. It wasn't worth risking a friendship he'd had to claw out of all that initial animosity between the two of them just to find out if Bobby liked him back. Of course, there were times when he got drunk when he ended up clinging to the other boy, giggling his head off, but Bobby probably put that down to the effects of the booze.
Of course, now...
Raz waited for the inevitable reaction. Either Bobby laughing his ass off or beating Raz to within an inch of his life... Any moment now...
"...Eh." Raz didn't know whether to run or to play dead when Bobby let him up, so he settled for sitting dumbfoundedly in the middle of the floor. The other boy was sitting in front of him, his expression unreadable.
"...So...you're not gonna freak out?"
"Naaah. 'S not really that big a deal, right?"
"I guess not, it's not as if..." Raz trailed off. "Heh."
"What?"
"I've still totally fucked it up, is all. I mean, it's never gonna be the same between us again, is it? "
"I should fucking hope not!"
"What the hell do you mean by thaaammf." The last word got cut off by Bobby grabbing Raz and engaging him in a great big snog.
When they broke apart, Raz was surprisingly coherent. "...Ohhhhhhh... Cool."
Suddenly a piercing SQUEEEEE noise emanated from behind them both, causing Bobby to just about jump out of his skin and Raz to accidentally set a houseplant on fire. "I KNEW YOU TWO WOULD HOOK UP I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!"
"DAAAAD! What the hell are you doing barging in like that?!"
"I just wanted to have an excuse to do the "I told you so" dance to that old man that pops by every now and then and steals all our bacon. He thought neither of you would ever have the guts to hook up!" Loboto started doing some sort of crazed victory dance, swaying from side to side - probably the afformentioned "I told you so" dance.
Raz looked over at the gangly ex-dentist-crazyperson. "Go away before we START HAVING SEX IN FRONT OF YOU!"
An EEP, a slamming door and the sound of a grown man rushing into his room and flinging himself under his bed, and Loboto was gone.
After a minute, Bobby piped up. "Uh...so was that just a threat or are we really gonna start having sex now?"
"Ugh, I dunno, man, I'm still hung over an-Okay."
"Hahaha, awesome."
-----
SPLASH.
Sasha froze in horror. MEIN GOTT. The Wii-mote. where the hell did it go?! IT WAS IN MY HAND A MOMENT AGO. IF I DON'T FIND IT, RAZPUTIN WILL KILL ME. AND THEN BOBBY WILL KILL ME AND GIVE MY BRAIN TO HIS FATHER.
Sasha pivoted on his heel and searched the room wildly. it had to be somewhere, it couldn't just vanish...
Meanwhile, in a large fishbowl on the table, a certain washed-out-yellow-and-black-checkered betta by the name of Maxwell Leibkind was inspecting the funny-looking device that had just utterly astonished him by having been tossed into his bowl by the nice man who brought him food and talked to him all the time. It was a good throw, Maxwell thought - he hadn't even been looking in his direction at the time. Though actually, when he thought about it, was rather dangerous of him to do so really. It might have hit him when it fell into the bowl!
Still, it was interesting nonetheless.
END
OH GOD I'M GOING TO HELL
Title:The Clean-Up Chronicles (Possibly the start of a series. we'll see.)
Fandom:Psychonauts
Rating:PG-13 for slash and swearing.
Summary:Raz wants Bobby to clean the apartment. Bobby doesn't want to. Raz takes DRASTIC ACTION. With a surprise guest appearance at the end!
Warnings: SLASH. Raz/Bobby. Also, Sasha acting SO VERY OOC. But in a fairly IC way. 8D
"You need to help out more around here."
Bobby paused his game. And slowly, slowly turned to stare at Raz. A long, long stare. As if Raz had just asked him if penguins tasted like chocolate.
"...You heard me, man. this place is becoming a bear pit-"
"Yeah, well, if I see any bears I'll ring up Mikhail and he'll deal with it."
Raz rolled his eyes. He shouldn't have agreed to let Bobby stay. When he wasn't making a mess accumulate around him, he was dragging Raz away from important paperwork to challenge him to hour-long games on whatever game system Bobby was engrossed in that day(Though the animosity that Bobby used to have towards Raz was long gone, the rivalry still surfaced at least once a week through gaming sessions and amazingly complex practical jokes unleashed from either party onto the other). He had no job, and didn't seem to be interested in finding one, and he did next to nothing to help in the house.
Of course, there was one big reason why Raz let Bobby stay, and that was the matter of his father, one Caligosto Loboto, whom was taking up residence in their spare room at present. He and Bobby were the only ones really capable of stopping him going on an aimless gleeful brain-stealing rampage (his original mission was seven years dead) right now, and Raz didn't want to think about what would happen if he was let out of the house where he could get away from Bobby and go do just that.
"I'm serious, Bobby. I can't think with two week's worth of pizza boxes towering over me. You gotta clear some of this up."
Bobby groaned. "Augh, it ain't so bad-"Raz psiblasted a curious mouse that had ventured from the pile of pizza boxes to pick at the leftover chinese food laying on the table into oblivion."...Okay, you had mice even before we moved in. You told me."
"Yeah, one or two as opposed to two billion. If you don't do something I'm gonna have to take drastic action."
"Yeah, you and what army-OH GOD NO ANYTHING BUT THAT NO NO NOOOOOOOO!!" It was amazing what holding Bobby's Wii out of the window of a third-floor apartment would do for negotiations with him. "OKAY, OKAY, I'LL CLEAN! JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID!"
"Okay!" Raz pulled the Wii back into the apartment. "But I'm taking it to work with me, just to make sure you don't get distracted by Twilight Princess."
"I HATE YOU SO MUCH."
"That's nice, Bobby." Raz grinned, on his way out the door. "Have fuuuun!" And with that, he departed.
Bobby stood for a moment, smouldering. What the hell was wrong with Raz?! He already had his hands full with keeping his batshit insane father quiet and happy - which mostly consisted of buying him various puzzles and the like, sneaking him a few hours Raz's laptop to let him play about on Neopets daily and smuggling in the odd squirrel for him to "play" with every so often - without having to pick shit up added to the list. With a resigned sigh, Bobby trudged through to the kitchen to pick up some binliners.
Loboto was in there already. Well, to be precise, his back end was in the kitchen. the other half of him was inside the fridge. "I know I saw some scotch eggs in here last night, don't tell me they've eaten them alrea-AHA! here we go!" A long pause followed. "...And now I can't get back out."
Bobby sighed, and used TK to pull his father out of the fridge(which Loboto responded to with a cheerful "Good Morning, Robert!"). "You shoulda told me you were hungry, dad!"
"I can fend for myself, my dear boy, I don't really need you waiting on me hand and foot." Loboto said, spraying crumbs of scotch egg everywhere. "Besides, shouldn't you be looking for a job?"
"Yeah, but... I can't find anything, really, and-" Bobby tried to skirt round the issue whenever Raz or his father brought it up. The last time he'd applied for an interview was a nightmare. They'd actually had the balls to tell him his appearance was "inappropriate" for that line of work! They could have at least had the balls to tell him "Yer too ugly to work for us, fuck off!" instead of giving him all that politically correct bullshit!
Granted, he'd been applying for a job in a nursery and he was wearing his "HOW DARE I WEAR THIS GODDAMN SHIRT IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING KIDS?!" t-shirt at the interview, but still...
"Oh, honestly Robert, you just need to keep trying, you'll find something eventually..."
Bobby grabbed the binliners and headed back to the living room, Loboto tailing him. "I know, man, but I've got you to look after. I can't leave you in on your own all day."
"Why not?"
"Hm, let's see..." Bobby pretended to think as he dumped pizza boxes into the waiting binliner. "You'd sneak out of the house, go on a brain-stealing rampage, eat puppies, the cops would eventually gun you down and when they found out where you'd been hiding Raz'd get fired and I'd go to jail for like, EVER."
"Other than that, though." Loboto retorted. "You get a job and I'll behave while you're gone, honest..."
"You mean like that time that I went out for milk and caught you trying to hotwire a car on my way back?"
"....Uh....I was worried about you?"
Bobby sighed. "Look, your attention span's too short for me to leave you here on your own."
"It wouldn't be if you'd just let me borrow Razputin's brain! Just for a while!" Loboto said with a slight squee, onto his favorite subject. "Oh the things I could-"
"YOU ARE SO NOT TAKING OUT RAZ'S BRAIN, DAD!"
"...What, do you still have that crush on him?" Loboto was grinning even more widely than usual now. "Maybe if it's going on this long, it's more than a cru-"
"AUGH!" Bobby averted Loboto's gaze and tossed the chinese takeaway boxes into the bag, mortified. "I TOLD YOU I DO NOT, AND HAVE NEVER, HAD A CRUSH ON RAZ."
"...And you called him Goggalicious. Robert, that's not an insult. I called your mother similar things to that before you were born and we were still in love and horny."
"Argh, shut up! It sounded better in my head."
Loboto just grinned. Then noticed what Bobby was doing at last. "Do you want me to give you some help?"
Bobby shrugged. "It'll make it go faster, I guess. Pull up a bin liner."
Loboto did so, emptying a wastebin filled with beer cans into it. "Are you sure you don't-"
"I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT RAZPUTIN."
"Hyahahahahahoohoohoohoohooooo! Sure you don't, Mr President!"
-----
Raz plonked himself down at his desk, laying the box containing Bobby's most loved game console to the side of the keyboard. "Maybe without that he'll actually DO something... Ah, who am I kidding, he'll just end up playing XBox Live all day." Raz then proceeded to headdesk with a mighty THUNK.
Sasha happened to walk by at that point. "...Are you okay?"
"Trying to get Bobby to clean the house, but I think he's just gonna goof off all day." Raz replied, his voice muffled by the desk.
"You put up with too much from him, you know." Sasha, like everyone else at HQ, did not know about the special guest in Raz's apartment, even though he really, really should have told someone. He didn't really have a good reason for not doing so, unless he counted Bobby's near-hysterical begging that Raz didn't send his father to jail when he'd paid a surprise visit to Bobby one day last year, wondering how his bully/rival/friend was getting on after all those years, and nearly got de-brained by Loboto as soon as he set foot in the house. Raz had reluctantly agreed on the condition that they move in with him, so at the very least if something happened he'd be at hand to put it right, or at the least prevent it from getting worse.
Loboto had hated this arrangement at first. He'd screamed and raved when he'd learned he was leaving Bobby's garage for a much smaller "working space", and was constantly picking the lock on the door with his right arm's claws for the first month. It was only after Bobby had removed the lock from the room's door and he was more or less allowed to wander the house freely that he'd calmed down to any extent, and it'd taken three months for him to not constantly attempt to remove Raz's brain, three months in which Bobby had been forced to take a crash course on how to recranialise his roommate. Eventually Loboto accepted Raz's "DO NOT REMOVE BRAIN" status, but Raz knew that he'd still love to get his hands on his brain.... At least Loboto knew how to wash clothes, or Bobby would either be killing people with the stench. Or running around naked.
Raz quickly thought of a reasonable excuse for why Bobby was still allowed to stay at his place. Quickly! Must...become....master... WORDSMITH.
"Eh, he's not that bad... He's... funny and stuff..." God, LAME, LAME excuse. Raz mentally cursed his wordsmithing skills.
A cocked eyebrow. "Razputin, that's not a good enough reason to give him free room and board. He's still unemployed, right?"
"Yuh huh."
"You need to give him an ultimatum - either he gets a job, keeps the house spartan, or gets out."
"I guess, but... Then who's gonna-" Raz stopped dead. Almost too much info there. "Uh... wait for the delivery guy when I buy things off EBay... Yeah."
Sasha was clearly not buying it. Raz sighed, figuring they'd seen Loboto at his place, waiting for the "GODDAMN IT CONFESS YOU FOOL OR WE'LL RANSACK YOUR HOUSE" speech--
"Raz... If you and Bobby are in a relationship, then you should just say."
Raz nearly choked, blushing insanely. "WHAT-"
"I can put two and two together, Razputin. Bobby moved in with you a week after you broke up with Lilli, you don't kick him out even though he seemingly contributes nothing to-"
"Sasha, you just made five from that two and two equation, you know that? BOBBY IS NOT MY PARTNER! GOD, SASHA!" Raz's face was rapidly turning red, which was probably making Sasha think otherwise.
"Yes, Razputin. Keep telling yourself that." A long, awkward pause. "Why is there a Wii on your desk?"
"It's Bobby's. I figured if I took it away for the day he might clean instead."
"Ah... You know... if it works on getting him to clean the house, maybe you should confiscate it till he gets a job."
"...You want me to loan it to you, don't you?!"
"Please?" That one word was in the most begging, pleading tone Raz had ever heard Sasha use.
"...No. Bobby'd beat the crap out of me."
"I know about Loboto."
"WHAT??"
"I'll tell Truman unless you let me loan it for a week or two. Just till my own one gets shipped."
"This is blackmail!!"
"Razputin...The Wii, if you don't mind?"
Milla popped her head in the door. "Darling, are you trying to con Raz out of his Wii?"
"It's not even mine! It's Bobby's!"
"Oh, I'm sure he won't mind considering the persuasive argument I just gave you." Sasha replied, inching ever closer to the Wii.
"Sasha! You're not pretending that noone else knows about Dr Loboto, are you?"
Raz's jaw hit the floor. "Wait, WHAT?!"
"Razputin, we've known that Loboto's been living with Bobby for years now. We've just not done anything to take him into custody because he's been classified as no longer a threat." Milla explained. Raz decided not to mention that this was only because he and Bobby were constantly making sure he never got out of the house to do any damage.
"Wow, Sasha." Raz glared over at the german psychic. "That's... really, really low."
Sasha didn't flinch at the look Raz gave him. "...It would have been worth it for the Wii."
"I'm sorry about Sasha, Raz darling..." Milla apologised. "He's been like this since his Wii was backordered. You're the fith person in the building he's tried to blackmail one out of..."
"ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT." Sasha boomed all of a sudden. "I'm going to do something I should have done a long time ago!" Sasha grabbed Raz by the shoulders, and---
-----
Finally, after five binliners full of trash, new sheets on all the beds and a thorough Shake-N-Vac of the carpet (During which Loboto had insisted he did the dance from the old adverts), the apartment was clean at last. Father and son lay on the now spotless sofa, aching from the work. Loboto piped up."See, isn't this better?"
"I might appreciate it more if I could still feel anything other than pain and a lament for my lost Wii." Bobby replied.
"That's oddly poetic for you, Robert!"
"Yeah, well, when I have no Wii my brain starts working again. AND THINKING HURTS." Bobby miserably retorted. Suddenly, Raz walked in, looking somewhat sheepish.
Bobby instantly leaped up and started acting like a hyperactive terrier. "RAZLOOKLOOKICLEANEDTHEENTIREFUCKINGHOUSEIEVENMADETHEBEDSNOWWHERE'SMYFUCKINGWIIIIIIIIIIIII????"
Raz was impressed, he had to admit. But it was hard to be impressed when you think you're about to die. "Uh... see... the thing is... Sasha borrowed it."
Bobby could do nothing but gape stupidly for several minutes. "...YOU WHAT."
"I couldn't help it." Raz said in a tiny voice. "He used powerful persuasion techniques on me..."
-FLASHBACK OMG-
"PUH-LEE-HEE-HEEEEEEEESE! AAAAAAUUUGHAHAHHAHAAAA, I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GOING TO SURVIVE THE NEXT FORTNIGHT, RAZPUTIIIIIN! WHY AREN'T YOU BEING A GOOD FRIIIIIEEEEEEEND??? AAAAAAUUUGHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Raz tried to pry the bawling psychonaut off him. "He's... actually crying. Think I should give in?"
"Uh...."
"AAAAAAUUUGHAHAHHAHAAAA I BET MORRY WOULD HAVE LET ME BORROW HIS WII IF HE WASN'T A SONY FANBOY WITH A PSTHREEEEEEHEEHEEEEE!!"
Milla sighed. "I think you'd better, darling. Put him out of his misery... it'll make him quieter at home, at least."
-FLASHBACK END ZOMG-
"...Agent Sasha Nein. Cried like a baby. Because he wanted to use my Wii."
"Yyyyep."
"I am both amazingly amused and horrified." Bobby said.
"Good news, though. Apparently the Psychonauts don't consider Loboto a threat anymore, so I guess we can take him out for a walk every day or something."
"Ooooh!" Loboto was near-euphoric at this news, having not seen outdoors for a long time. "There's a bunch of movies I wanna see out at the cinema just now!"
Bobby grinned. "What, Brain Stealing Dentists From Europa Three?"
"Oh my, that too, but I was thinking more along the lines of the new James Bond film."
Raz grinned and held up a six-pack of beer and a bottle of Smirnoff he'd picked up on the way home. "I figured seeing as it's kinda a cause for celebration, we should get stinking drunk!"
Bobby cackled. "FINALLY, you suggest something cool today!"
-------
"Hahahahaha, so I says to him, "You're right, he's so agile, and limber, and...and THIN! He could NEVER be you!" and OH MY GOD his face was... it was fuggin' priceless! And he admitted he was the Phantom right on the spot!" Raz laughed, pouring more beer down his throat. He was on his second can and was already pretty sloshed, but it wasn't stopping him yet.
"So what did he say to that?" Bobby enquired, pouring himself another vodka and Coke. He was far more used to alcohol than Raz, but he was starting to feel the effect of the booze thanks to having drunk more and of a stronger drink.
As Raz related the tale of how he defeated the Phantom of the Catwalks to Bobby, Loboto watched them both slyly, plotting, plotting. He was determined to prove that Bobby had some feelings for Raz. Why did he think Bobby had feelings for Raz? Well, in case it slipped your attention, Loboto is insane, and he can't really justify many of the things he thinks or does by normal standards. This is one of those things.
In the end, Loboto didn't have to do much of anything, though, as two more cans later, Raz stood to get more beer and promptly fell over.
"....Hey, Bobby. Dude. I can't reach the beer from here. Pass me a new can?"
Bobby looked over Raz. Bobby had gotten drunk with people enough to know when someone'd had enough, and Raz had very had enough. If he had any more, he'd probably throw up. And Bobby JUST cleaned that rug. "Naw, man, you've had enough for now."
"Awwwww, but Bobbyyyyyyyyy!" Raz crawled over to the blue boy, latching onto his leg. "C'mon Bobby old buddy old pal, remember when I saved your brain years ago? YOU OWE ME."
"I figured not breaking your teeth when you came up to me earlier and went "WASN'T THAT GREAT WHEN I BEAT YOU IN THAT LEVITATION RACE??" was repayment enough for that."
"Yeah, I guess.... Still. gimmieanotherbeer."
"No."
"Please?"
"NO."
"...I'll give you ten buuuucks."
"...Wellll... wait, NO!"
"Awww! Well fuck you. I'll get the damn beer MYSELF." Raz crawled up Bobby, using him to pull himself upright. he took a determined step towards the beer on the other side of the room...
THUD.
"Why is the rug on the wall? And why are you standing on the wall? That's weird."
Gravity, 1, Raz, 0. Bobby couldn't help laughing.
"Robert, why don't you put your enebriated friend there to bed?" Loboto suggested. "Besides, if he stays in here, he might actually get to the beer at some point." Loboto's bottom lip quivered dramatically." And that beer's MIIIINE!"
Bobby sighed. Despite his father's somewhat selfish motive, he had a point - Raz was just that sort of stubborn that he'd probably actually manage to get to the beer somehow if he was left in the living room. Probably through a Macgyver'd together grappling hook made from paperclips, chewing gum and unravelled wool from his sweater. He hauled Raz upright and all but dragged him into his room. "C'mon, Raz, bedtime."
"Noooooo! I wanna stay uuup!" Raz wailed like a six-year-old, attempting to squirm free and failing. Eventually, Bobby managed to dump him on the bed, only to realise that the battle was not yet won - Raz was clinging to his arm as tightly as he could.
"Leggo."
"Nope." Raz grinned.
"Let go!"
"Nope!" The grin got wider.
"DAMMIT RAZ!"
"Nnnnope!" Yes, Raz was enjoying this thoroughly.
Bobby fumed, but was NOT giving in to Raz's stupid and made a vodka-fuelled decision that there was only one course of action here - lie on the damn bed with him till he fell asleep.
Raz watched as Bobby crawled under the covers, glaring daggers at him all the while. "You're not gonna give in and let me have my beer?"
"NO. You're sleeping now whether of your own free will or if I have to punch your goddamn lights out."
"Okay!" Raz giggled drunkenly and then - to Bobby's eternal surprise - grabbed him in a great big bear hug. "Nowwww I get to snuggle up to your HAIR."
Bobby had a spaz attack at this point. "GYAAA WHAT THE--"
Raz squeed at Bobby's reaction. "I just wanna use your hair as a pillow, Hairboy!"
"Goggalicious!" That retort was pretty much an automatic response by now.
"Hahaha.... Heyyyy, Bobbyyyy... Why d'you call me that, anyway?"
"...Because when I was ten I didn't think before insulting ya. Go to sleep."
"You sure?" God, did drunkenness make Raz perceptive. "As in, really really sure?"
"...Maybe."
"That's not an answer, it's an excuse... "
"....I'll tell ya in the morning." If he was being honest with himself, Bobby didn't actually know himself why he'd chosen that particular term of phrase to describe Raz back then. He hadn't really thought about it, other than right then...
The only reason he could think of in his semi-drink addled state is that it was the first thing that came to mind when he saw Raz. But why would he think that? It's not like---
Oh, dear GOD. WHAT THE FUCK.
Ah, crashing realisation, what instantly-sobering horrors you bring to young Master Zilch. Namely the crashing realisation that Loboto was possibly right. Bobby's only thought now was to squirm away from the now unconcious and snoring Raz, who was still clinging tightly to him in his sleep, but all his squirming achieved was to somehow end up face-to-face with the other boy(and a faceful of beer breath), at which point he resigned himself to being stuck with Raz for the night.
After a few minutes, Bobby calmed down a bit and let his drunken mind wander. Did it really matter if he...liked... Raz that way? Not really, if he'd really liked him from the start. He just knew why the hell he'd bothered to not continue hating his guts...
His last thought before drifting off was that maybe getting stuck with Raz clung to him for a night wasn't so bad after all...
-----
"Aooooow.... AAAUGH!..."
Raz had awoke. And had discovered the joy of killer hangovers.
Bobby slowly awoke to Raz's pained howling and his own hangover, which, while definitly not the worst one he'd ever had, was highly unpleasant nonetheless.
"Bobby, you 'wake?" Raz whined, his head surfacing from under the covers.
"Yeah. Not so loud, though." Bobby winced, sitting up. "You okay?"
"Noooo. Head...so much PAIN. Like being in a room with a billion angry Dogens...!"
"It's called a hangover, Raz. Don't tell me you've never had one before!"
"Yeah, I have, just... not this baaaaad!" Raz was almost crying by now. He'd been beaten up by hordes of censors, hit by charging luminescent pink bulls and much more in his psychonaut career, but he'd never felt this bad. Ever.
Bobby sat up, attempting to focus on the bottle of asprin on the desk on other side of the room, trying to TK it over.(which gave him more of a headache than getting up and getting the bottle manually would have) It suddenly wobbled, then shot over and hit him right in the face. Obviously, he focused too hard. Rubbing the spot where it hit him, he retrieved a bottle of mineral water that Raz kept on the floor by his bed and opened up both bottles, handing a couple of pills over to Raz.
"Here, this probably won't work much but it's worth a shot..." Raz took the two pills and tried washing it down himself, but was too sickly and hungover and painridden and tired and hungover to do so, repeatedly spilling it over himself. Eventually Bobby had to hold the bottle for him while he drank.
"There, now go back to sleep."
"Okay." A pause. "...Why... are you in bed with me?"
"Because you wouldn't let go of me when I put you to bed last night. You were practically clinging to my face at one point..."
"Ohhhh..." AAAAUGH! OH GOD WHAT IF HE KNOWS-
Much to Raz's horror, Bobby had heard Raz's mental screaming, his mental blocks being down due to the hangover. "What if who knows what?"
"AAH! NOTHING!" SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT HE KNOWS TOO MUCH AUGH GOD-
"Dude, calm down!" Bobby's headache wasn't getting any better with all the mental noise going on. "Know too much about what? I don't even know what the hell you're TALKING about."
"...I don't wanna talk about it." Raz averted his eyes.
"Tell me."
"No."
"TELL MEEE."
"Nooooo!" Raz buried his head under the pillow.
"Don't make me take desperate measures." Bobby growled.
"Bobby, there is no pain that you can inflict on me that isn't already taking place." Raz said from under the pillow.
Bobby thought otherwise, it seemed, as he pinned Raz... and started tickling him. Dear god, he's EVIL.
"AAAUGHHAHAHAHAHAHAHEEHEEHEEHOOHOOHOOQUITITQUITITQUITIT! IT HURTS!" Raz cried and flailed. Well, tried to flail, as he was still hangover-weakened. "LOOK, I REALLY DON'T WANNA TELL YOU ABOUT IT!"
"I don't care!" Bobby yelled cheerfully over Raz's laughter. "I WANT TO KNOW!"
"ALRIGHT, FINE! JUST--JUST LET ME GO!" Raz yowled. Bobby ceased tickling and unpinned him - apon this happening, Raz tried to bolt for the door, if scrambling out of bed and crawling as fast as one can towards the door can be classed as bolting. Bobby, of course, pursued.
"AGH!" Raz found himself once again pinned. ARRGH! Why the hell can't he just let it be?! I tell him and chances are he'll either hate me or run as fast as he can, and I don't wanna lose him... I'd rather have him as just a friend than not here at all...
It took Bobby a few moments for him to realise exactly what Raz was thinking. "...Oh...OH."
Raz realised what had happened. He suddenly felt five hundred times worse than when he woke up.
It had been a gradual thing with Raz. He'd first noticed it one night when they were up watching TV. They'd fought over the remote as usual, and Bobby had won this time, switching the TV show over to Jackass. Raz was not overly fond of watching that show, so he'd taken to glowering over at Bobby instead... Only to find that Bobby was much more interesting than the TV. The boy just couldn't keep still - if he wasn't playing with something in his hands (Raz got Bobby a Rubik's Cube for his birthday based on this observation), he was constantly fidgeting otherwise. Raz often wondered if he had fleas or was just edgy because he hadn't punched anyone or anything in the past few hours.
Raz eventually realised that he wasn't interested in watching Bobby squirm about. He was just interested in Bobby.
He just ignored it, most of the time. It wasn't worth risking a friendship he'd had to claw out of all that initial animosity between the two of them just to find out if Bobby liked him back. Of course, there were times when he got drunk when he ended up clinging to the other boy, giggling his head off, but Bobby probably put that down to the effects of the booze.
Of course, now...
Raz waited for the inevitable reaction. Either Bobby laughing his ass off or beating Raz to within an inch of his life... Any moment now...
"...Eh." Raz didn't know whether to run or to play dead when Bobby let him up, so he settled for sitting dumbfoundedly in the middle of the floor. The other boy was sitting in front of him, his expression unreadable.
"...So...you're not gonna freak out?"
"Naaah. 'S not really that big a deal, right?"
"I guess not, it's not as if..." Raz trailed off. "Heh."
"What?"
"I've still totally fucked it up, is all. I mean, it's never gonna be the same between us again, is it? "
"I should fucking hope not!"
"What the hell do you mean by thaaammf." The last word got cut off by Bobby grabbing Raz and engaging him in a great big snog.
When they broke apart, Raz was surprisingly coherent. "...Ohhhhhhh... Cool."
Suddenly a piercing SQUEEEEE noise emanated from behind them both, causing Bobby to just about jump out of his skin and Raz to accidentally set a houseplant on fire. "I KNEW YOU TWO WOULD HOOK UP I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!"
"DAAAAD! What the hell are you doing barging in like that?!"
"I just wanted to have an excuse to do the "I told you so" dance to that old man that pops by every now and then and steals all our bacon. He thought neither of you would ever have the guts to hook up!" Loboto started doing some sort of crazed victory dance, swaying from side to side - probably the afformentioned "I told you so" dance.
Raz looked over at the gangly ex-dentist-crazyperson. "Go away before we START HAVING SEX IN FRONT OF YOU!"
An EEP, a slamming door and the sound of a grown man rushing into his room and flinging himself under his bed, and Loboto was gone.
After a minute, Bobby piped up. "Uh...so was that just a threat or are we really gonna start having sex now?"
"Ugh, I dunno, man, I'm still hung over an-Okay."
"Hahaha, awesome."
-----
SPLASH.
Sasha froze in horror. MEIN GOTT. The Wii-mote. where the hell did it go?! IT WAS IN MY HAND A MOMENT AGO. IF I DON'T FIND IT, RAZPUTIN WILL KILL ME. AND THEN BOBBY WILL KILL ME AND GIVE MY BRAIN TO HIS FATHER.
Sasha pivoted on his heel and searched the room wildly. it had to be somewhere, it couldn't just vanish...
Meanwhile, in a large fishbowl on the table, a certain washed-out-yellow-and-black-checkered betta by the name of Maxwell Leibkind was inspecting the funny-looking device that had just utterly astonished him by having been tossed into his bowl by the nice man who brought him food and talked to him all the time. It was a good throw, Maxwell thought - he hadn't even been looking in his direction at the time. Though actually, when he thought about it, was rather dangerous of him to do so really. It might have hit him when it fell into the bowl!
Still, it was interesting nonetheless.
END
OH GOD I'M GOING TO HELL