(no subject)
I've been thinking about some things.
I am messed up. I am totally messed up. Right now. Because, like I expected from the beginning, this army stuff just ain't for me. I'm not good with structures like this or stress that's like this or a lack of control that's like this. And I was okay with a lot of other things. Maybe not amazing, maybe I'm never amazing with pressured situations, but I was much more okay. Honestly, if 2004-2006 were the best two years of my life, then that's saying something about what I'm good at, right? And if I can count on one hand the amount of times I cried freshman year and I sometimes can't count on two hands the amount of times I cry a day then gosh, isn't that a sign? Sure, I'm pretty sad and stuff, and messed up, and probably more than a fair share of crazy, but I think it's very much environmentally influenced. Nothing in my life is good right now, except maybe my friends, but I do feel pretty lonesome sometimes, when I'm too embarrassed to turn to them with my problems. Today some things happened that had to do with a big reason for my upsettitude since the 23rd of May, and it reminded me of a few more things I'm miserable about, and another reason why moving out and going back to school is going to be completely awesome. Even if it's stressful, it's still going to be awesome.
I'm not keeping Shabbat like I used to. I'm bending corners and starting it just a bit later than usual and ending it just as soon as I see those stars in the sky. And if I accidentally turn a bathroom light off, I'll turn it right back on again, and if an alarm goes off I don't mind pressing whatever it takes to set it straight. It could be that being in the army and being forced to break Shabbat for military things sortof made me less sensitive to these things. I used to be so concentrated on avoiding any use of electricity, and now I forget a little more and mind a whole lot less. I've also stopped keeping fast days the way I ought to. On the half fast day on the 17th of Tamuz I drank some water in the middle of the day because I felt a little woozy. Sure, I was in Jericho, and it was hot, and I had to keep working, but it was only a half day. And then on the full fast day, on the 9th of Av, we walked all over Rome in the heat and I felt woozy and I had a bunch of water in the middle of the day. Sure, it's better not to faint, but why did I walk around so much in the first place? I knew it would dehydrate me like mad. And all of this is making me reconsider things a little bit... How much do I care about using electricity? I always end up asking people to do things for me, like turning on the television or turning off a light, which is totally cheating. Where should I draw the line? I can't see myself starting to drive on Shabbat, or go buying things or something, but is it possible I'll go back on my 10 year decision not to use electricity on Shabbat?
Blah.
I am messed up. I am totally messed up. Right now. Because, like I expected from the beginning, this army stuff just ain't for me. I'm not good with structures like this or stress that's like this or a lack of control that's like this. And I was okay with a lot of other things. Maybe not amazing, maybe I'm never amazing with pressured situations, but I was much more okay. Honestly, if 2004-2006 were the best two years of my life, then that's saying something about what I'm good at, right? And if I can count on one hand the amount of times I cried freshman year and I sometimes can't count on two hands the amount of times I cry a day then gosh, isn't that a sign? Sure, I'm pretty sad and stuff, and messed up, and probably more than a fair share of crazy, but I think it's very much environmentally influenced. Nothing in my life is good right now, except maybe my friends, but I do feel pretty lonesome sometimes, when I'm too embarrassed to turn to them with my problems. Today some things happened that had to do with a big reason for my upsettitude since the 23rd of May, and it reminded me of a few more things I'm miserable about, and another reason why moving out and going back to school is going to be completely awesome. Even if it's stressful, it's still going to be awesome.
I'm not keeping Shabbat like I used to. I'm bending corners and starting it just a bit later than usual and ending it just as soon as I see those stars in the sky. And if I accidentally turn a bathroom light off, I'll turn it right back on again, and if an alarm goes off I don't mind pressing whatever it takes to set it straight. It could be that being in the army and being forced to break Shabbat for military things sortof made me less sensitive to these things. I used to be so concentrated on avoiding any use of electricity, and now I forget a little more and mind a whole lot less. I've also stopped keeping fast days the way I ought to. On the half fast day on the 17th of Tamuz I drank some water in the middle of the day because I felt a little woozy. Sure, I was in Jericho, and it was hot, and I had to keep working, but it was only a half day. And then on the full fast day, on the 9th of Av, we walked all over Rome in the heat and I felt woozy and I had a bunch of water in the middle of the day. Sure, it's better not to faint, but why did I walk around so much in the first place? I knew it would dehydrate me like mad. And all of this is making me reconsider things a little bit... How much do I care about using electricity? I always end up asking people to do things for me, like turning on the television or turning off a light, which is totally cheating. Where should I draw the line? I can't see myself starting to drive on Shabbat, or go buying things or something, but is it possible I'll go back on my 10 year decision not to use electricity on Shabbat?
Blah.