So Here It Is....
So it's been over a month now, so I thought that maybe I should actually post an entry again. There is a lot of stuff on my mind and heart though, so I'm not sure how coherent this entry is going to be... I think it might just follow my train of thought wherever that goes.
I can't believe that tomorrow morning I have to spend at least two hours in the doctor's office. I have to get blood tests again and for whatever reason I am not really happy about it. It's not that I am worried about having the blood drawn or about the results, but for some reason it always makes me uneasy. I kind of wonder to myself if that is because the first time I had blood drawn for tests was in the hospital at age 16. I guess only God knows the reason why I have some anxiety about it. I kind of wish that I could be just like my grandma and think it's just interested and not get anxious about it at all. I think it is just the waiting part which is going to be the harder and most annoying part. I'm going to get a chance to read a book tomorrow in between tests though, which makes me happy because I get to read Captivating and I love that book.
Captivating has been an amazing book in my life which is helping me slowly open my eyes to the person that God has made me and the false messages and wounds I have from my past. Every woman has wounds from the past and has incorrect messages in her heart and mind. I am beginning to realize what those were and how harmful they have been on my life and the way that I view myself. It is so easy for me to think that I am not worth somebody else's time or that other things are more important. I continue to search for somebody to answer the deep inner question that every woman has in her heart "am i beautiful" when truly I am learning that only God can answer my questions.
I got to spend some quality time with family for Christmas break. We hadn't spent Christmas with my mom's side of the family in over ten years, so we decided to fly up there for Christmas. Dad was nice and bought my ticket up there, so I met up with them in Canada and we all went to my aunt's house together. It was good to get to spend time with family again. There were some frustrating moments of course, but I choose to focus on the positive aspects of the trip. I spent some time with my brother when him and I were actually getting along. I made him really happy by spotting something that he had been wanting for himself that is hard to find. It was nice when him and I were actually getting along or we were talking to each other nicely. I felt truly blessed by my family this Christmas and found joy in being able to spend time with them. More and more lately I have found myself missing them. I think it is partially because I realize more how fleeting and precious time is and how we can lose people so quickly and never really get the chance to tell them just how we feel or to tell them goodbye. Even though my parents are so far away, I am blessed with the resources to call them on the phone and talk to them when I need them. My dad often gives me advice and helps me decide what is the best thing to do in a situation. There is so much tragedy in the world and I am so blessed.
I have spent some time this break in self-reflection. Renee was gone for alot of the time which gave me lots of time to just think about things and analyze where I am at in my life and what I have accomplished. I needed quiet time for self-reflection and a refreshing and renergizing of my soul. As much as I love being around people, sometimes I just need to take time away and focus on myself. I didn't realize just how drained I was until I took a step back and really looked at how I was feeling. I try so hard to give so much to those around me and sometimes it is like I can feel their emotions. Being there for all those around me is very much a passion of my heart. I am realizing though that I can't continue to give without letting others give to me too or at least taking the time to relax and reenergize. I can't continue to drain myself down to the point where I have sometimes in the past or I won't be any good to myself or others.
I have also continued to take care of myself physically. I've been working out three times a week and have recently had the privelege of being able to say that I am 60 pounds lighter than I was on my birthday. I ate alot of food over Christmas and gained some weight, but then I lost it back off again. Right now I am disappointed with myself though because I am stuck at a certain weight. It's still over 60 pounds lost though so I guess I should rejoice in that. My progress is slowing down, but than again, I have done so well. I recently found and looked through pictures from April and I just can't believe how different I looked there. I used to lie to myself than and say that I was okay with the way I was looking. I look at those pictures now and I just kind of get disgusted. I'm slowly beginning to find a love for myself and find a beauty deep within.
God has blessed my life recently with an amazing guy named Ian. Him and I had the privelege of finding each other on a Christian single's website on November 22nd, 2005. The interesting thing about this is that earlier in that day I had looked at that website and had not had any response. I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and thought to myself "well, that was another free trial come and gone with no results." It was at that point that I truly gave up, I told God that I understood, I was no longer going to try to control my life and keep searching for a guy. I had accepted that maybe it wasn't in His plan for me to have a guy. It was later that day when I just had this urge to go back to that site. It was at that time I saw that Ian had looked at my profile, so I looked back at his. I was interested, so I found his contact information and instant messaged him. He wasn't there though, so the message got sent through to his cell phone. Later though he messaged me back and we ended up messaging with each other for like 4 hours. Neither of us thought it was that long though, we really enjoyed talking to each other and finding we had things in common and we could make each other smile just through IM. The next few weeks were spent with us messaging each other often. I found myself missing him while I was gone with my family for Christmas and I know he missed me too.
The interest for each other continued to grow though and we continued to keep in touch through IM. Eventually we even started using our microphones and webcams while we were talking. He is living in Montana right now, but was talking about maybe coming out here for New Years, so we decided it would be fun for us to meet up and spend New Years together. As the day came closer we got more excited and made more solid plans. We decided that meeting up for lunch with Renee and Adam would be a good first step. Lunch went really well and we all got along really well. Ian ended up being a gentleman and paying for lunch. He also surprised me by opening every door for me from the moment we met. Renee and Adam seemed to be okay with me spending more time with Ian and they left after lunch. They didn't leave before taking the beautiful flowers that Ian had brought for me home so Renee could put them in the vase for me. It was the first time a guy has given me flowers, so it was very sweet and special for me. Ian and I then spent the rest of the afternoon and then the evening just enjoying each other's company. We went and saw Narnia. We had both seen it before but wanted to see it again because it is an amazing movie. It didn't take terribly long before we were holding each other's hands. It was very comfortable and I just relaxed and enjoyed the movie with him. Holding hands continued later as we just spent time walking around and enjoying being with each other. He was really sweet at one point in the night and offered me his coat when I was a little cold. I was stubborn though and wouldn't accept it. We also at different points walked with our arms around each other, which I really enjoyed. He was really sweet to me all night, and I couldn't believe just how blessed I felt to ring the new year in with him. He made me feel like I was the only person in the world when he would look into my eyes. God graced us with a beautiful moment as the stars shone above us and the clouds went away.
I got to see him one more time before he left on the 2nd. Him and I met up at the mall and just spent some time together before he had to leave to go back to Montana. It's really great to me how I am comfortable with him and we always seem to find things to be able to talk about. Since he has been gone back to Montana we have spent a considerable amount of time on the phone just talking and getting to know more about each other. I am still very much interested in him and I know he feels the same way. He will be moving here to the Pacific Northwest on Friday or Saturday. He is going to be living with his uncle for a while and working and saving up some money. He ultimately wants to have his own business. I have seen some of his designs for the T-shirts he has and I think they are pretty amazing and I think he will do well. He has such an amazing love for God and wants to live his life in service to the God that he loves. I could not have wished for something better when I imagined the type of man that God would bring into my life and bless me with. At this point I am not exactly sure where the relationship will go because it is my first one and it is new, but I hope it ends up being a long relationship. Ian has planned a nice evening for us on Monday, January 16th. I'm not exactly sure all that he has planned, but I know it will include a nice dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. Him and I are taking it slow though and making sure we keep our focus on what God has planned in our lives. I thank God for him daily and the blessing he has been to my life. I'm planning on taking him to my monthly dinner on the 17th and letting people there meet him and tell me what they think of him. He will also have to meet more of my friends and get approved by them as well. So far though, everyone seems to like him.
I thank God for how positive things seem to be going in my life right now. I have been able to enjoy some positive times with friends and rejoice with them in their happiness and I am finding happiness of my own. I know though that any happiness I have can only come through God. He is the Lord and Master of all. It is only through Him that I can find strength, peace and joy in my life. I keep my focus on Him, knowing that He will never leave or forsake me. I am a precious daughter to Him who He loves very much. I thank Him for His son, Jesus Christ, and the new life He has bought for me with His blood. May my focus always stay on Him.
I can't believe that tomorrow morning I have to spend at least two hours in the doctor's office. I have to get blood tests again and for whatever reason I am not really happy about it. It's not that I am worried about having the blood drawn or about the results, but for some reason it always makes me uneasy. I kind of wonder to myself if that is because the first time I had blood drawn for tests was in the hospital at age 16. I guess only God knows the reason why I have some anxiety about it. I kind of wish that I could be just like my grandma and think it's just interested and not get anxious about it at all. I think it is just the waiting part which is going to be the harder and most annoying part. I'm going to get a chance to read a book tomorrow in between tests though, which makes me happy because I get to read Captivating and I love that book.
Captivating has been an amazing book in my life which is helping me slowly open my eyes to the person that God has made me and the false messages and wounds I have from my past. Every woman has wounds from the past and has incorrect messages in her heart and mind. I am beginning to realize what those were and how harmful they have been on my life and the way that I view myself. It is so easy for me to think that I am not worth somebody else's time or that other things are more important. I continue to search for somebody to answer the deep inner question that every woman has in her heart "am i beautiful" when truly I am learning that only God can answer my questions.
I got to spend some quality time with family for Christmas break. We hadn't spent Christmas with my mom's side of the family in over ten years, so we decided to fly up there for Christmas. Dad was nice and bought my ticket up there, so I met up with them in Canada and we all went to my aunt's house together. It was good to get to spend time with family again. There were some frustrating moments of course, but I choose to focus on the positive aspects of the trip. I spent some time with my brother when him and I were actually getting along. I made him really happy by spotting something that he had been wanting for himself that is hard to find. It was nice when him and I were actually getting along or we were talking to each other nicely. I felt truly blessed by my family this Christmas and found joy in being able to spend time with them. More and more lately I have found myself missing them. I think it is partially because I realize more how fleeting and precious time is and how we can lose people so quickly and never really get the chance to tell them just how we feel or to tell them goodbye. Even though my parents are so far away, I am blessed with the resources to call them on the phone and talk to them when I need them. My dad often gives me advice and helps me decide what is the best thing to do in a situation. There is so much tragedy in the world and I am so blessed.
I have spent some time this break in self-reflection. Renee was gone for alot of the time which gave me lots of time to just think about things and analyze where I am at in my life and what I have accomplished. I needed quiet time for self-reflection and a refreshing and renergizing of my soul. As much as I love being around people, sometimes I just need to take time away and focus on myself. I didn't realize just how drained I was until I took a step back and really looked at how I was feeling. I try so hard to give so much to those around me and sometimes it is like I can feel their emotions. Being there for all those around me is very much a passion of my heart. I am realizing though that I can't continue to give without letting others give to me too or at least taking the time to relax and reenergize. I can't continue to drain myself down to the point where I have sometimes in the past or I won't be any good to myself or others.
I have also continued to take care of myself physically. I've been working out three times a week and have recently had the privelege of being able to say that I am 60 pounds lighter than I was on my birthday. I ate alot of food over Christmas and gained some weight, but then I lost it back off again. Right now I am disappointed with myself though because I am stuck at a certain weight. It's still over 60 pounds lost though so I guess I should rejoice in that. My progress is slowing down, but than again, I have done so well. I recently found and looked through pictures from April and I just can't believe how different I looked there. I used to lie to myself than and say that I was okay with the way I was looking. I look at those pictures now and I just kind of get disgusted. I'm slowly beginning to find a love for myself and find a beauty deep within.
God has blessed my life recently with an amazing guy named Ian. Him and I had the privelege of finding each other on a Christian single's website on November 22nd, 2005. The interesting thing about this is that earlier in that day I had looked at that website and had not had any response. I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and thought to myself "well, that was another free trial come and gone with no results." It was at that point that I truly gave up, I told God that I understood, I was no longer going to try to control my life and keep searching for a guy. I had accepted that maybe it wasn't in His plan for me to have a guy. It was later that day when I just had this urge to go back to that site. It was at that time I saw that Ian had looked at my profile, so I looked back at his. I was interested, so I found his contact information and instant messaged him. He wasn't there though, so the message got sent through to his cell phone. Later though he messaged me back and we ended up messaging with each other for like 4 hours. Neither of us thought it was that long though, we really enjoyed talking to each other and finding we had things in common and we could make each other smile just through IM. The next few weeks were spent with us messaging each other often. I found myself missing him while I was gone with my family for Christmas and I know he missed me too.
The interest for each other continued to grow though and we continued to keep in touch through IM. Eventually we even started using our microphones and webcams while we were talking. He is living in Montana right now, but was talking about maybe coming out here for New Years, so we decided it would be fun for us to meet up and spend New Years together. As the day came closer we got more excited and made more solid plans. We decided that meeting up for lunch with Renee and Adam would be a good first step. Lunch went really well and we all got along really well. Ian ended up being a gentleman and paying for lunch. He also surprised me by opening every door for me from the moment we met. Renee and Adam seemed to be okay with me spending more time with Ian and they left after lunch. They didn't leave before taking the beautiful flowers that Ian had brought for me home so Renee could put them in the vase for me. It was the first time a guy has given me flowers, so it was very sweet and special for me. Ian and I then spent the rest of the afternoon and then the evening just enjoying each other's company. We went and saw Narnia. We had both seen it before but wanted to see it again because it is an amazing movie. It didn't take terribly long before we were holding each other's hands. It was very comfortable and I just relaxed and enjoyed the movie with him. Holding hands continued later as we just spent time walking around and enjoying being with each other. He was really sweet at one point in the night and offered me his coat when I was a little cold. I was stubborn though and wouldn't accept it. We also at different points walked with our arms around each other, which I really enjoyed. He was really sweet to me all night, and I couldn't believe just how blessed I felt to ring the new year in with him. He made me feel like I was the only person in the world when he would look into my eyes. God graced us with a beautiful moment as the stars shone above us and the clouds went away.
I got to see him one more time before he left on the 2nd. Him and I met up at the mall and just spent some time together before he had to leave to go back to Montana. It's really great to me how I am comfortable with him and we always seem to find things to be able to talk about. Since he has been gone back to Montana we have spent a considerable amount of time on the phone just talking and getting to know more about each other. I am still very much interested in him and I know he feels the same way. He will be moving here to the Pacific Northwest on Friday or Saturday. He is going to be living with his uncle for a while and working and saving up some money. He ultimately wants to have his own business. I have seen some of his designs for the T-shirts he has and I think they are pretty amazing and I think he will do well. He has such an amazing love for God and wants to live his life in service to the God that he loves. I could not have wished for something better when I imagined the type of man that God would bring into my life and bless me with. At this point I am not exactly sure where the relationship will go because it is my first one and it is new, but I hope it ends up being a long relationship. Ian has planned a nice evening for us on Monday, January 16th. I'm not exactly sure all that he has planned, but I know it will include a nice dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. Him and I are taking it slow though and making sure we keep our focus on what God has planned in our lives. I thank God for him daily and the blessing he has been to my life. I'm planning on taking him to my monthly dinner on the 17th and letting people there meet him and tell me what they think of him. He will also have to meet more of my friends and get approved by them as well. So far though, everyone seems to like him.
I thank God for how positive things seem to be going in my life right now. I have been able to enjoy some positive times with friends and rejoice with them in their happiness and I am finding happiness of my own. I know though that any happiness I have can only come through God. He is the Lord and Master of all. It is only through Him that I can find strength, peace and joy in my life. I keep my focus on Him, knowing that He will never leave or forsake me. I am a precious daughter to Him who He loves very much. I thank Him for His son, Jesus Christ, and the new life He has bought for me with His blood. May my focus always stay on Him.