tough stuff
yea, happy st. patties day to ye'll! just a day late, but i always say its the thought that counts. i wasn't wearing any green on yesterday, so before rehearsals, Adam(robin hood actor) and i went to the mall to look for something green/Guinness. we went all around, considering a Notre Dame cap, but we couldnt find anything good. then we went into spencers, thus where i got this hat. oh wait, i dont have fancy equipment that would enable me to show pictures and whatnot. whoops, my bad. guess you'll just have to see for yourself one day.
then i got a call from dollface, telling me that she might be coming to the show tonight. but with her folks. quite the pickle i was put in. cause we were supposed to see it tonight(friday) and then she comes again on saturday night to see me perform. that was the plan. but now with that, saturday night got x-ed, because she has now seen me perform. i knew that either way i'd be happy and sad. because if said no, then she wouldnt have come last night and see my mainstage debut and thus i woulda been sad. but then i woulda been happy since it woulda been the two of us on saturday night. and then if i said yes(which i did and i knew it'd happen)she would come with her folks, and then once the show was over, they'd leave. which is pretty much a tease. cause then i say hi and bye, which thus made me sad. because i barely even got to see her and talk to her, be with her. but at the same time i was happy, because she out of the golden heart she has, she wanted to bet there for me on opening night.
so you see what i mean? either way i was gonna be happy and sad. so like i said, i went with the second, her coming opening night. i found it selfish of me to want her to come on saturday night, and not to come on opening night like she wanted to. she was giving up a chance for just the two of us to be together, so she could at least see me on my big debut. so once i realized all this, i told her to come along. now, like i said, i knew i was going to be happy and sad(talk about conflicting emotions). but all the way up until i went on to stage, i had a mad rush, like a sugar-high, i was so excited that she was there and it was opening night and here i am performing. throwing out the first line(ok, its not technically line, i think, but w/e). but then once i went off-stage, everything seemed to go downhill. about half of the jokes were lost. the audience barely even appluaded. everyone was down and out. it felt good, to not be the only one bummed out. and where i sit, above the revolving door on my little loft, you tend to do alot of thinking up there. since i am there by myself for the entire show. i did alot of thinking. and unfortunately got alot of negative thoughts, not beuno. cause from then on, i barely cracked a smile, even at the jokes on stage. why should i, nobody else was laughing. i dont know, it just wasnt the opening night i expected. at least i dont think many people left at intermission.
then i at least smile when i saw dollface, she did show up and see me perform. and she wore her hair the way i like it. that i chuckled about inside of me. thanks babe. but then she had to leave, so thus i even more bummed out for the rest of the night. barely got to say anything. at least i got out an, i love you. at least let that be heard.
so tonight, we should hopefully be both going together to see it. i feel bad though, cause after the show, christopher asked her folks if they liked it and they said no. so that even more bummed me out for the night. cause then i thought she didnt like it. but since she didnt email me last night or this morning, i dont know whats the scoop. if she liked it or not. cause then why would she want to see it again if she didnt even like it, and this time i wouldnt even be performing for her to watch. so thats the part that worries me. and then last night, i emailed her and it wasn't one of the most happy-go-lucky kinda emails. je ne sais, i just hope she understands. i am just writing all this to write. i'e written in my other real journal. i've emailed her. and here i am. i just dont want her to get the idea that i didnt want her there last night, i really did. it was a good surprise. now and forever it'll always be known that she was there for my first mainstage role. alright, i'll let ya'll go. i need to get back to work, and the suspense is killing me...
then i got a call from dollface, telling me that she might be coming to the show tonight. but with her folks. quite the pickle i was put in. cause we were supposed to see it tonight(friday) and then she comes again on saturday night to see me perform. that was the plan. but now with that, saturday night got x-ed, because she has now seen me perform. i knew that either way i'd be happy and sad. because if said no, then she wouldnt have come last night and see my mainstage debut and thus i woulda been sad. but then i woulda been happy since it woulda been the two of us on saturday night. and then if i said yes(which i did and i knew it'd happen)she would come with her folks, and then once the show was over, they'd leave. which is pretty much a tease. cause then i say hi and bye, which thus made me sad. because i barely even got to see her and talk to her, be with her. but at the same time i was happy, because she out of the golden heart she has, she wanted to bet there for me on opening night.
so you see what i mean? either way i was gonna be happy and sad. so like i said, i went with the second, her coming opening night. i found it selfish of me to want her to come on saturday night, and not to come on opening night like she wanted to. she was giving up a chance for just the two of us to be together, so she could at least see me on my big debut. so once i realized all this, i told her to come along. now, like i said, i knew i was going to be happy and sad(talk about conflicting emotions). but all the way up until i went on to stage, i had a mad rush, like a sugar-high, i was so excited that she was there and it was opening night and here i am performing. throwing out the first line(ok, its not technically line, i think, but w/e). but then once i went off-stage, everything seemed to go downhill. about half of the jokes were lost. the audience barely even appluaded. everyone was down and out. it felt good, to not be the only one bummed out. and where i sit, above the revolving door on my little loft, you tend to do alot of thinking up there. since i am there by myself for the entire show. i did alot of thinking. and unfortunately got alot of negative thoughts, not beuno. cause from then on, i barely cracked a smile, even at the jokes on stage. why should i, nobody else was laughing. i dont know, it just wasnt the opening night i expected. at least i dont think many people left at intermission.
then i at least smile when i saw dollface, she did show up and see me perform. and she wore her hair the way i like it. that i chuckled about inside of me. thanks babe. but then she had to leave, so thus i even more bummed out for the rest of the night. barely got to say anything. at least i got out an, i love you. at least let that be heard.
so tonight, we should hopefully be both going together to see it. i feel bad though, cause after the show, christopher asked her folks if they liked it and they said no. so that even more bummed me out for the night. cause then i thought she didnt like it. but since she didnt email me last night or this morning, i dont know whats the scoop. if she liked it or not. cause then why would she want to see it again if she didnt even like it, and this time i wouldnt even be performing for her to watch. so thats the part that worries me. and then last night, i emailed her and it wasn't one of the most happy-go-lucky kinda emails. je ne sais, i just hope she understands. i am just writing all this to write. i'e written in my other real journal. i've emailed her. and here i am. i just dont want her to get the idea that i didnt want her there last night, i really did. it was a good surprise. now and forever it'll always be known that she was there for my first mainstage role. alright, i'll let ya'll go. i need to get back to work, and the suspense is killing me...