My Three Step Plan with a Selfish Side Dish
Okay... three step plan explains on later... the selfish side dish is the one trying to talk me out of it so they can be happy and not worry about what the crap I need...
I'm not even so sure how to describe how my feelings inside are going right now... honestly sometimes I just want to be locked in a little cage in the center of the Earth just all on my own because I do question what others motives are... I guess you could say cynical but truthfully I see this person being so selfish and all his motives are and he may say what he wants but I'm so tired of it...
I don't want to break down from the choice I'm making right now... I see what's important in my life right now...
1st Step: Working on a relationship with God to have a real true love and passionate relationship and to read and gain more knowledge on him.
2nd Step: Work on my relationship with myself like fixing wrong characteristics in myself... some things in my personality like how I can be a selfish person at times. I don't want to be the same old person in the flesh of that ugly muck of this world. Also I know I need to work on my relationship of learning to love myself and having self esteem there that has been worked so low by some people earlier. Which kind of combines in the first step cause God has to mold me into someone like him and work those things out of me... so yeah... that is kind of a one deal package. but I have to study things on God to get to be like that.
3rd Step: Work on relationships with someone else... as in a romantic one. Right now I feel that I have a lot of growing up to do before I hit this so I'm still on Step 1. I have learned that I'm never going to have a beautiful relationship like how God intends until I have successfully completed this and I know it's right cause I've never felt so much peace and at ease about so many things since I have just seeked after God...
But I got out of a relationship of 11 months to do this with God and that person tries to discourage me all the time of doing this... and it is so rough but I know what's right and I refuse to let that person take me down to that depressed and hated everything miserable person that they once had me to the point. I was at the bottom of the mountain and there was only one way to go after that and I wasn't going to start digging deeper into the dirt than I already had so I chose to take the hike up the mountain to really fix things. Cause our relationship was so spoiled and so wrong in so many ways... it wasn't Love how God intends it... it was I don't even know. But I've never been so happy as I am now that I'm doing this but this person continues to press stress on me and not enough of just that... I also have to deal with things going on with my family members... devastating situations that make me really feel upset towards that and the things I had and still have to struggle with I see them going through with another person and it's hard to just sit back and watch it happen when I know some of the struggles and some of the pain they're feeling... but what can you do.
So more less to say it's just been very stressful and I can't really figure all these things out and I really just need help with it. I need this negative things out of my life so I can press forward as I need to go. I refuse to go back to where I was before....
Yeah this was basically skimming all the major points so I can get into the depth of everything later when it goes on...