Last Night
I did end up going out last night after all the procrastination. I spent 2 hours getting ready, so I wasn't going to let that go to waste. Also, my roommate kept asking me "When are you leaving?", so I felt pressured to leave the apartment anyway. I was just worried that having had so many negative experiences with going out in Miami in general that I would have a bad time and those people (who were mostly straight, cisgender) would have a problem with me. The last thing I wanted to deal with was more awkwardness or negativity.
The girl I'm currently (sort of) dating was there, plus two other people I met at the poly barbecue 3 weeks ago were there (one of whom was hosting the gathering). There were maybe 7 other people there that I'd never met before who seemed nice enough, but I didn't really interact with them that much. There was a British guy there, so he and I talked for a short while about the UK and some of the bands we remembered from there (I think he was of a similar age group, maybe a bit younger).
All of the people I didn't know ended up leaving, so it was just the 4 of us who already knew one another. It became less awkward at that point and my friend was always by my side (she's very sweet like that). I ended up leaving around 1am, so I managed to socialize for 4 hours, even though I was awkwardly silent at times.
One thing I have noticed (I noticed it a long time ago actually) is that I tend to zone out or shut down when I'm around a lot of people. I think it's some kind of flight or fight response; a defense mechanism in order to prevent me from looking even more visibly terrified or even having a panic attack. When I am like that, I hear people's voices, but I cannot focus on what they're saying at all, hence that I "zone out". It's highly frustrating, because I cannot keep up with the conversation, so I just end up looking even more awkwardly quiet, despite the fact that I usually do want to partake in the conversation.
Anyway, it was okay. I did't interact much with the other people, but I at least had my friend there. We kissed before I left, which was nice (nice that she is not ashamed or embarrassed to be around me and doesn't care if people think that I am her girlfriend). We have a lunch date later on today that will probably roll into a dinner date, given that the last one was 6 1/2 hours long. A bit of alcohol will probably be involved, which will help with my anxiety.
I need to stop using Facebook to vent/rant. I am going to try to shift it all completely to here, as this is a more appropriate place for it, where people simply don't HAVE to read it and no one on here knows me from the past. I don't care to add lots of people on here, but I really like the people I've added so far. I may even make this friends-only at some point as I am a little paranoid about the fact that anyone can view this journal.
The girl I'm currently (sort of) dating was there, plus two other people I met at the poly barbecue 3 weeks ago were there (one of whom was hosting the gathering). There were maybe 7 other people there that I'd never met before who seemed nice enough, but I didn't really interact with them that much. There was a British guy there, so he and I talked for a short while about the UK and some of the bands we remembered from there (I think he was of a similar age group, maybe a bit younger).
All of the people I didn't know ended up leaving, so it was just the 4 of us who already knew one another. It became less awkward at that point and my friend was always by my side (she's very sweet like that). I ended up leaving around 1am, so I managed to socialize for 4 hours, even though I was awkwardly silent at times.
One thing I have noticed (I noticed it a long time ago actually) is that I tend to zone out or shut down when I'm around a lot of people. I think it's some kind of flight or fight response; a defense mechanism in order to prevent me from looking even more visibly terrified or even having a panic attack. When I am like that, I hear people's voices, but I cannot focus on what they're saying at all, hence that I "zone out". It's highly frustrating, because I cannot keep up with the conversation, so I just end up looking even more awkwardly quiet, despite the fact that I usually do want to partake in the conversation.
Anyway, it was okay. I did't interact much with the other people, but I at least had my friend there. We kissed before I left, which was nice (nice that she is not ashamed or embarrassed to be around me and doesn't care if people think that I am her girlfriend). We have a lunch date later on today that will probably roll into a dinner date, given that the last one was 6 1/2 hours long. A bit of alcohol will probably be involved, which will help with my anxiety.
I need to stop using Facebook to vent/rant. I am going to try to shift it all completely to here, as this is a more appropriate place for it, where people simply don't HAVE to read it and no one on here knows me from the past. I don't care to add lots of people on here, but I really like the people I've added so far. I may even make this friends-only at some point as I am a little paranoid about the fact that anyone can view this journal.