Psychological Changes on Estrogen
I know I tend to talk more about the physical changes caused by almost a year on estrogen, but I have not really attempted to write about the psychological / emotional changes that have occurred, especially over the last few months.
Now I have always been a rather emotional person (for what was supposed to be a male). I generally hid it pretty well, but not by choice. I was also never truly "manly" in my ways of thinking, especially when it came to love & relationships, sex, interests and hobbies.
But with that being said, the effects of estrogen hit me pretty hard....
Prior to this, I was most certainly able to cry, but now it really doesn't take a lot to set me off. It can be a song I'll hear, someone telling me something that triggers me, a sad movie or a character dying in a movie or television program (e.g. I cried during the last episode of True Blood). Sometimes I cry when I think about people I have loved in the past, or I will cry out of desperation when I think of the present and future.
The funny part is that I don't see it as a weakness (on the contrary). The only problem is that I have literally had to escape to the bathroom at work or to the car at times, because I have got choked up on more than one occasion while sitting at my desk.
I have also become far more moody, especially in the mornings and other people have noticed it. My roommate tells me that living with me is like living with a 14 year old girl because I am so bitchy/whiny/moody and unpredictable. My best friend notices it too, but she is much more supportive and reassuring about it. Essentially, this is a second puberty. I never finished the first puberty due to not producing enough testosterone, so in a sense, I am finally maturing.
I can go from happy > sad > happy > totally depressed in a short space of time. In fact, the very nature of my depression has changed, whereby I find it much more difficult to internalize these days, hence my constant need to vent either here, to another human or on Facebook, where people are most likely sick of me by now. I don't think I am any more / less depressed than before, but I am finding it difficult to manage the highs and the lows, because I feel like I am one person one day, another person the next.
I have mentioned my sexuality on numerous occasions, but it's necessary for me to mention it here. I have always been pansexual, but have always been somewhat more attracted to men on a purely physical level. Over the last 3 months especially, I have noticed a MAJOR shift in which I literally swoon over men and go giddy when I am in close proximity to a cute guy. A classic example was when one of the IT guys was trying to resolve an issue on my computer at work. He was right next to me and I was mesmerized, to the point that I didn't even hear what he was saying. So I'm sitting there like "Why the fuck is this happening?" because honestly, I have never felt that way around women (my attraction to women is quite different). One of my friends told me a few weeks ago that had I been born a cisgender female, I would most likely be straight (attracted to males). I am not sure if that's true, but it certainly got me thinking.
I think some of my attraction towards men may also be a need for male validation, which I suspect is something a lot of transwomen go through, unless they are lesbian. On the few occasions when men have said nice things about my appearance, it affects me on a whole other level than if a woman were to say such things.
Sp while I don't think that estrogen has changed my sexuality, I do think that it's certainly brought my true sexuality to the surface by clearing the fog and allowing me to accept it, i.e. that my attraction towards women was more of a desire to BE them and that I buried my attraction towards men due to shame and due to the fact that I did not want to date as a gay male (the same reason why I shouldn't have dated straight women).
Anyway, those are the major changes, but these are some other more minor changes that have occurred, but this has affected me in so many ways that it's not even funny. These are some of the more minor changes:
- I am far more sensitive than I used to be.
- My taste in music has changed quite drastically.
- I can no longer connect with my old male friends as easily, but I can connect with my female friends much better.
- I feel cold like a mother-fucker.
- I can be very silly/giggly at times.
- My sex drive has completely diminished (didn't have much of one before though).
- I get more easily frustrated with people.
- My appearance bothers me more than ever before.
- I have massive food cravings, chocolate in particular is like crack to a crackhead. I also have cravings for pickles, particularly pickled olives.
- I am less angry/oppressed than I used to be.
- Sometimes when I have dreams of my childhood, I am a girl rather than a boy.
(I can probably think of more, but it's 6:30am and I have been awake since 2:30am).
Now I have always been a rather emotional person (for what was supposed to be a male). I generally hid it pretty well, but not by choice. I was also never truly "manly" in my ways of thinking, especially when it came to love & relationships, sex, interests and hobbies.
But with that being said, the effects of estrogen hit me pretty hard....
Prior to this, I was most certainly able to cry, but now it really doesn't take a lot to set me off. It can be a song I'll hear, someone telling me something that triggers me, a sad movie or a character dying in a movie or television program (e.g. I cried during the last episode of True Blood). Sometimes I cry when I think about people I have loved in the past, or I will cry out of desperation when I think of the present and future.
The funny part is that I don't see it as a weakness (on the contrary). The only problem is that I have literally had to escape to the bathroom at work or to the car at times, because I have got choked up on more than one occasion while sitting at my desk.
I have also become far more moody, especially in the mornings and other people have noticed it. My roommate tells me that living with me is like living with a 14 year old girl because I am so bitchy/whiny/moody and unpredictable. My best friend notices it too, but she is much more supportive and reassuring about it. Essentially, this is a second puberty. I never finished the first puberty due to not producing enough testosterone, so in a sense, I am finally maturing.
I can go from happy > sad > happy > totally depressed in a short space of time. In fact, the very nature of my depression has changed, whereby I find it much more difficult to internalize these days, hence my constant need to vent either here, to another human or on Facebook, where people are most likely sick of me by now. I don't think I am any more / less depressed than before, but I am finding it difficult to manage the highs and the lows, because I feel like I am one person one day, another person the next.
I have mentioned my sexuality on numerous occasions, but it's necessary for me to mention it here. I have always been pansexual, but have always been somewhat more attracted to men on a purely physical level. Over the last 3 months especially, I have noticed a MAJOR shift in which I literally swoon over men and go giddy when I am in close proximity to a cute guy. A classic example was when one of the IT guys was trying to resolve an issue on my computer at work. He was right next to me and I was mesmerized, to the point that I didn't even hear what he was saying. So I'm sitting there like "Why the fuck is this happening?" because honestly, I have never felt that way around women (my attraction to women is quite different). One of my friends told me a few weeks ago that had I been born a cisgender female, I would most likely be straight (attracted to males). I am not sure if that's true, but it certainly got me thinking.
I think some of my attraction towards men may also be a need for male validation, which I suspect is something a lot of transwomen go through, unless they are lesbian. On the few occasions when men have said nice things about my appearance, it affects me on a whole other level than if a woman were to say such things.
Sp while I don't think that estrogen has changed my sexuality, I do think that it's certainly brought my true sexuality to the surface by clearing the fog and allowing me to accept it, i.e. that my attraction towards women was more of a desire to BE them and that I buried my attraction towards men due to shame and due to the fact that I did not want to date as a gay male (the same reason why I shouldn't have dated straight women).
Anyway, those are the major changes, but these are some other more minor changes that have occurred, but this has affected me in so many ways that it's not even funny. These are some of the more minor changes:
- I am far more sensitive than I used to be.
- My taste in music has changed quite drastically.
- I can no longer connect with my old male friends as easily, but I can connect with my female friends much better.
- I feel cold like a mother-fucker.
- I can be very silly/giggly at times.
- My sex drive has completely diminished (didn't have much of one before though).
- I get more easily frustrated with people.
- My appearance bothers me more than ever before.
- I have massive food cravings, chocolate in particular is like crack to a crackhead. I also have cravings for pickles, particularly pickled olives.
- I am less angry/oppressed than I used to be.
- Sometimes when I have dreams of my childhood, I am a girl rather than a boy.
(I can probably think of more, but it's 6:30am and I have been awake since 2:30am).