Loss of Hope
They say that when hope dies, what is really left? Effectively, you are already dead.
This dysphoria is winning, my hope is fading fast. I do not expect anyone to understand because I am probably the ugliest, most non-passable transwoman in the world. Surgery is out of reach and it will most likely stay that way. I am not getting any younger and every year that passes is nothing but a painful reminder of another year lost trapped in this wretched body that has caused me endless misery.
I have unfriended 2 transwoman on Facebook, who unfortunately were nothing but triggers. Most I have tried to befriend have been ridiculously self centered....maybe I am too, but mine is more about self loathing than narcissism or trying to make a point as to how passable I am or how many men I have dated. I quit going to trans groups as these weren't helping either.
What has almost 1 year of hormones done to me? Aside from (tiny) boobs, softer skin and other stuff that I notice but others don't, not much, only now I have female emotions. People still see nothing but an ugly male. No amount of makeup could fix this.
Being passable isn't about wanting to be pretty - I would be happy to be an unattractive woman. Now that I am out and attempting to live as myself, I am struggling to deal with misgendering, anxiety from being out in public places and at work, where most of the office seems to hate me or simply wants nothing to do with me.
Friends don't get it - some confuse this as some sort of rebellion against gender norms, which it is not. I do not want to rebel or attract attention to myself. My gender identity is a core part or my main identity, so I'm not sure how many more daggers to the heart of it I can take. I actually want to fit in and I want to be accepted as part of society, not seen as some freak or ugly man in women's clothing (my worst nightmare).
I think about giving up a lot as I would be freed from this body and from this endless pain. Antidepressants have not worked in the past and have actually made me more likely to act on suicidal ideation. It's not depression in the true sense and no about of happy pills will make me comfortable in my own skim. Maybe I should just go back to being a man so I can save money and focus on putting an end to all this. Drugs and alcohol used to somewhat / temporarily numb the pain. I just don't want to think anymore. I don't want to exist.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Signed,
The world's most ugly, hideous, manly transwoman.
This dysphoria is winning, my hope is fading fast. I do not expect anyone to understand because I am probably the ugliest, most non-passable transwoman in the world. Surgery is out of reach and it will most likely stay that way. I am not getting any younger and every year that passes is nothing but a painful reminder of another year lost trapped in this wretched body that has caused me endless misery.
I have unfriended 2 transwoman on Facebook, who unfortunately were nothing but triggers. Most I have tried to befriend have been ridiculously self centered....maybe I am too, but mine is more about self loathing than narcissism or trying to make a point as to how passable I am or how many men I have dated. I quit going to trans groups as these weren't helping either.
What has almost 1 year of hormones done to me? Aside from (tiny) boobs, softer skin and other stuff that I notice but others don't, not much, only now I have female emotions. People still see nothing but an ugly male. No amount of makeup could fix this.
Being passable isn't about wanting to be pretty - I would be happy to be an unattractive woman. Now that I am out and attempting to live as myself, I am struggling to deal with misgendering, anxiety from being out in public places and at work, where most of the office seems to hate me or simply wants nothing to do with me.
Friends don't get it - some confuse this as some sort of rebellion against gender norms, which it is not. I do not want to rebel or attract attention to myself. My gender identity is a core part or my main identity, so I'm not sure how many more daggers to the heart of it I can take. I actually want to fit in and I want to be accepted as part of society, not seen as some freak or ugly man in women's clothing (my worst nightmare).
I think about giving up a lot as I would be freed from this body and from this endless pain. Antidepressants have not worked in the past and have actually made me more likely to act on suicidal ideation. It's not depression in the true sense and no about of happy pills will make me comfortable in my own skim. Maybe I should just go back to being a man so I can save money and focus on putting an end to all this. Drugs and alcohol used to somewhat / temporarily numb the pain. I just don't want to think anymore. I don't want to exist.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Signed,
The world's most ugly, hideous, manly transwoman.