(no subject)
"Satori is a sudden experience, and it is often described as a turning over of the mind, just a pair of scales will suddenly turn over when a sufficient amount of material has been poured into one pan to over balance the weight on the other. This feeling of satori is a result of the decision to be at harmony with yourself and your physical world. It is a decision of surrender." Wayne Dyer
i experienced many satori moments this past week in san antonio. When i left, i purposed in my heart to return as a new and liberated person, or at least more so than i left.
I was a spiritual prostitute, i had Satori under every tree, trolley bench, by every fountain and river side cafe.
A few things that came to the forefront were the fact that i had always believed in christ bc
1. i feared for my eternal soul and
2. force from my parents the baptist ministers.
In SAn Antone i asked God to show me the truth, and before i could finish my prayer he answered. and it was the same thing i had heard all my life, but it had never been so crystalline before (in that moment of Satori,) and for once in my life it was mine. Not the churches or my fathers but my personal faith. a belief tht is so much a part of me that i could not exist without it.
Then i said, "Yo GOd while i have you here man, this being a slave to my own selfish desires isnt too cool man" To which he replied. "give of your self child. sacrifice whenever you can. be patient as much as possible and when you do, you give a piece of yourself away. Give of yourself until there is nothing left, and then you shall be free of yourself."
this next subject is rather touchy. my choice and opinions are for my situation only.
the Doctors all agreed that i was Bi Polar and was ill. My emotions and thoughts are out of my control and that i have no choice but to fork up hundreds of dollars for the rest of my life so that a drug can control me. As much as i fought and told them that i thought i could get better they told me that my chances for a relapse were high and that i would end up crashing and killing myself eventually without their miracle drugs. I said, God this is enough! for years i have lived in fear of this thing that i could not control that cutting would not quiet and suicide could not prevail against. After i purposed in my heart to get better i did, after i picked my self up off the floor and said i am taking back the wheel. i did and now i live in great fear of a relapse it haunts me and i can feel its scorching breath on the back of my neck.
*throws up hands* No Mas!
i want to be free of this. I am going to get better bc i say so and wht ever it takes to stay that way i am going to make the sacrifice to do so. I am leaving this fear and this stoopid diagnosis behind me. The girl that was, i love her, i needed her to get to this point i needed that adversity to teach me to fight and fight i will damn it with all my might.
To which he replied
"as you purpose in your heart, so shall it be."
and that feeling of being at the top of a mountain two seconds from falling off, subsided and i knew liberation
(in that moment of Satori.)
I always had it, this great void this emptiness and from time to time i would put shit in it, like approval from others or pets or boys or sex or frinds but the damn thing seemed to grow with every futile attempt to fill it, Then while i was crying with my head in my hands a voice said. here let me help. (and in a moment of SAtori,) God took over that space. that i had tried so desperately to fill with shit, which only drove me to filing it with more shit. ppl cant fill that space only something supernatural and omnipresent could quench a thirst as such. and he did.
I almost did not want to leave. to come back home, to reality, but to my surprise it lingered and it has not left. Now i am doing my best each day to trust, to not look back on the person that i was, but to the person i have the potential to achieve. I am trying to get used to the quiet and the emptiness. The crying, the fighting with myself, the drive and need to fill a space that i did not know existed. The need for more more and more The drive to finish a race with no finish line. all hushed.
Still getting acquainted with this new person. a bow in Namaste to the person that i was. A bow in Namaste to the person that i am. and The great spirit that will accompany me from here into eternity.
"Where once we thought and controlled we now allow our minds to become spacious. we turn the results of our action over to a loving universe. our lives become an exploration in surrender. there is a serenity our hearts and it shines through out eyes. we have come home. we are free"
- Namaste and Blessed be to all of you.
all my love, lynne
i experienced many satori moments this past week in san antonio. When i left, i purposed in my heart to return as a new and liberated person, or at least more so than i left.
I was a spiritual prostitute, i had Satori under every tree, trolley bench, by every fountain and river side cafe.
A few things that came to the forefront were the fact that i had always believed in christ bc
1. i feared for my eternal soul and
2. force from my parents the baptist ministers.
In SAn Antone i asked God to show me the truth, and before i could finish my prayer he answered. and it was the same thing i had heard all my life, but it had never been so crystalline before (in that moment of Satori,) and for once in my life it was mine. Not the churches or my fathers but my personal faith. a belief tht is so much a part of me that i could not exist without it.
Then i said, "Yo GOd while i have you here man, this being a slave to my own selfish desires isnt too cool man" To which he replied. "give of your self child. sacrifice whenever you can. be patient as much as possible and when you do, you give a piece of yourself away. Give of yourself until there is nothing left, and then you shall be free of yourself."
this next subject is rather touchy. my choice and opinions are for my situation only.
the Doctors all agreed that i was Bi Polar and was ill. My emotions and thoughts are out of my control and that i have no choice but to fork up hundreds of dollars for the rest of my life so that a drug can control me. As much as i fought and told them that i thought i could get better they told me that my chances for a relapse were high and that i would end up crashing and killing myself eventually without their miracle drugs. I said, God this is enough! for years i have lived in fear of this thing that i could not control that cutting would not quiet and suicide could not prevail against. After i purposed in my heart to get better i did, after i picked my self up off the floor and said i am taking back the wheel. i did and now i live in great fear of a relapse it haunts me and i can feel its scorching breath on the back of my neck.
*throws up hands* No Mas!
i want to be free of this. I am going to get better bc i say so and wht ever it takes to stay that way i am going to make the sacrifice to do so. I am leaving this fear and this stoopid diagnosis behind me. The girl that was, i love her, i needed her to get to this point i needed that adversity to teach me to fight and fight i will damn it with all my might.
To which he replied
"as you purpose in your heart, so shall it be."
and that feeling of being at the top of a mountain two seconds from falling off, subsided and i knew liberation
(in that moment of Satori.)
I always had it, this great void this emptiness and from time to time i would put shit in it, like approval from others or pets or boys or sex or frinds but the damn thing seemed to grow with every futile attempt to fill it, Then while i was crying with my head in my hands a voice said. here let me help. (and in a moment of SAtori,) God took over that space. that i had tried so desperately to fill with shit, which only drove me to filing it with more shit. ppl cant fill that space only something supernatural and omnipresent could quench a thirst as such. and he did.
I almost did not want to leave. to come back home, to reality, but to my surprise it lingered and it has not left. Now i am doing my best each day to trust, to not look back on the person that i was, but to the person i have the potential to achieve. I am trying to get used to the quiet and the emptiness. The crying, the fighting with myself, the drive and need to fill a space that i did not know existed. The need for more more and more The drive to finish a race with no finish line. all hushed.
Still getting acquainted with this new person. a bow in Namaste to the person that i was. A bow in Namaste to the person that i am. and The great spirit that will accompany me from here into eternity.
"Where once we thought and controlled we now allow our minds to become spacious. we turn the results of our action over to a loving universe. our lives become an exploration in surrender. there is a serenity our hearts and it shines through out eyes. we have come home. we are free"
- Namaste and Blessed be to all of you.
all my love, lynne