the last page...
i have always been someone who wants to know what will happen...
when i read a book i always read the last page first... once i know then i can fully relax and enjoy reading the book...
while i know there are people who do not want to know ahead of time how something will end up... they want to enjoy the suspence...
wonder what that means... right now i wish i knew...
its like once i know the outcome... the destination... then i can enjoy the ride...
i am like that with movies too... i prefer for someone to tell me the ending... i fast forward lots of dvd's just to see how the movie will turn out before sitting back to watch the whole movie...
that is why this one day at a time stuff is harder for me than for most... that is why serving the Master that i serve is most difficult... because i do not know... anything...
that is also why in my head i have decided, declared, ruled that what it is today is all it shall ever be... online, no real time, no anything... i shall never get 48 hours... i shall never get to experience so many things that i want to one day feel...
i know i shall need to go elsewhere to get those things...
for me its only because i had declared that this is it... no further progress or training shall happen with Master Dennis... its only been since getting to that point that i have been able to "relax" in respect to Master Dennis... he is the one doing the driving... but i had to have that "this is it" fall into place before i could just sit back and enjoy the ride...
and by keeping that mindset that this is it... and totally accepting that... it does allow me to see the good threw the bad... and there is a lot of good... to him owning me... and me being owned by him...
i know when i tuck myself into bed on time, lol, lol... i can feel good about the way i serve him... cuz it is sincere... it is so far from a "do me" mentality that i can be proud of that... its not set up that yes, Master i will do what you ask as long as you thrill me "x" number of times a month... no... not at all...
i do... or try to do as he wants... expecting nothing... but also knowing... how good i will feel when i can succeed... and knowing that he can look into the bathroom mirror and smile because he does own me... that that makes him feel good too...
him owning me is important to me... him owning me is important to him... isnt that all that really is important...
but being the way i am is also why it makes it frustrating for me in dealing with James... i want to know what he wants... does he just want to go out as friends... does he want to pursue something more... i am in no rush for something to happen, believe it or not that is very true... i just want to know what page he is on so that we clearly understand... where we are... and where we may be heading...
most times... i do know... someones intent before putting myself in a situation... damn it... i like knowing...
if i could understand why i am the way i am... then... perhaps i could change it... so that one day i could live each day one at a time... with no worry or thought to where i shall end up...
i can enjoy the ride... in all areas of my life...
when i read a book i always read the last page first... once i know then i can fully relax and enjoy reading the book...
while i know there are people who do not want to know ahead of time how something will end up... they want to enjoy the suspence...
wonder what that means... right now i wish i knew...
its like once i know the outcome... the destination... then i can enjoy the ride...
i am like that with movies too... i prefer for someone to tell me the ending... i fast forward lots of dvd's just to see how the movie will turn out before sitting back to watch the whole movie...
that is why this one day at a time stuff is harder for me than for most... that is why serving the Master that i serve is most difficult... because i do not know... anything...
that is also why in my head i have decided, declared, ruled that what it is today is all it shall ever be... online, no real time, no anything... i shall never get 48 hours... i shall never get to experience so many things that i want to one day feel...
i know i shall need to go elsewhere to get those things...
for me its only because i had declared that this is it... no further progress or training shall happen with Master Dennis... its only been since getting to that point that i have been able to "relax" in respect to Master Dennis... he is the one doing the driving... but i had to have that "this is it" fall into place before i could just sit back and enjoy the ride...
and by keeping that mindset that this is it... and totally accepting that... it does allow me to see the good threw the bad... and there is a lot of good... to him owning me... and me being owned by him...
i know when i tuck myself into bed on time, lol, lol... i can feel good about the way i serve him... cuz it is sincere... it is so far from a "do me" mentality that i can be proud of that... its not set up that yes, Master i will do what you ask as long as you thrill me "x" number of times a month... no... not at all...
i do... or try to do as he wants... expecting nothing... but also knowing... how good i will feel when i can succeed... and knowing that he can look into the bathroom mirror and smile because he does own me... that that makes him feel good too...
him owning me is important to me... him owning me is important to him... isnt that all that really is important...
but being the way i am is also why it makes it frustrating for me in dealing with James... i want to know what he wants... does he just want to go out as friends... does he want to pursue something more... i am in no rush for something to happen, believe it or not that is very true... i just want to know what page he is on so that we clearly understand... where we are... and where we may be heading...
most times... i do know... someones intent before putting myself in a situation... damn it... i like knowing...
if i could understand why i am the way i am... then... perhaps i could change it... so that one day i could live each day one at a time... with no worry or thought to where i shall end up...
i can enjoy the ride... in all areas of my life...