gorgeous...
that is the only way to describe the weather outside today... oh my gosh... absolutely and truly gorgeous...
although i know i could have gotten a ride to the breakfast this morning i choose to walk... i was so happy that i did... it just felt great...
i got to the restaurant about 9:45am... i did try to call James to wish him a happy birthday but no one answered the phone... oh well... i did try... and actually with me... that is a really important thing to be happy about... because i did pick up that phone and i did indeed dial his number... and i really, truly was going to do it...
ok, Master Dennis advising me to do it does at times work to clinch the thought... if i am thinking about doing something and he says do it... somehow his asking, advising me, however you want to phrase it does remove the obstacles and excuses that i can ever so easily allow me to not do something...
i did force myself to go to the breakfast... yea... i have admittedly turned into more of a hermit than i had ever been before in my life... really, i know its true... in ways it scares me... cuz i know... i have to stay strong... i cannot allow myself to slip back into that hermit mentality... even tho most times it is just where i want to be...
i do know how easily i could cut myself off from all the world... and i also know that that would perhaps be the most unhealthiest thing i could do... not just for me... but for everyone in my life...
i cannot cease to exist... i have to live and breath and continue to try and move forward and continually work on strengthing my own life...
one of the hardest things to do is try and live a hopeful life even when you honestly no longer believe in the fairy tales... to believe that all your hard work and effort is worth it even tho no one even notices just how much effort you do put into being a better person because at times... the improvements are so very small... no one, not even yourself can see them...
guess you really do have to have faith... blind faith... maybe that is what it is that i have to strengthen...
but anyways... breakfast was fun... i was shocked that Tiffany never showed up because she was one of the ones who arranged this breakfast get together...
Angela was there... telling me over and over that i look better now than i did last year... in ways she is right... i do...
more now than ever before because i finally feel that perhaps i can indeed now be in control over my eating... i am so very proud of how i have been doing lately... and yes, Master Dennis my arm does hurt from patting myself on the back, lol, lol...
but no one seems to understand... its mind boggling to even feel the smallest of success in conjunction with me eating healthy... no extreme behavior... no eating so very very good or eating so very very bad... right now i have balance...
i am totally enjoying being able to eat just a few onion rings and really enjoying the fact that i have not yet allowed those few onion rings to turn into pounds of onion rings eaten...
yes, its a small success... but i have to fully see it... to convince myself that yes... perhaps the impossible is possible... maybe just maybe for the very first time in my life... i can eat healthy and normal...
believe me i know... this balance is still very new... very fragile... too easily if i let my guard down it could turn into a onion ring life forever...
somehow i have to stay strong... and live it one day after the other and the other and the other...
the hardest thing to do at times is simply do what i know i need to do to remain healthy... inside and out... me, putting effort and time and energy... into me... and to somehow believe that i am worth it...
i have put true effort into being able to say "good and you" and mean it... i am coming to believe that most times that is the greatest thing that i can do for Master Dennis... do whatever i need to do to maintain that "good and you" mentality...
i even decided to walk home from the breakfast get together... even tho two of them live less than a block away from me... i wanted to walk... enjoy this day... and i did...
on my way home i stopped at the dollar store... i had to buy a black dog collar and a black handled chain leash, lol... they look great... only one dollar each... yes, it was just the right addition to James's birthday gift...
i am one step away from giving up on James all together... but for some reason... i had to get them for him... its too hard to stand by and watch him waste all the potential that is within him...
actually Ralph at work had said something to me about potential... that if its never realized... never pursued... potential means nothing... he told me he had wasted two years of his life with the last woman that he was with because he fell into the situation that i am in now... he seen the potential that that woman had... but she did nothing with it...
one day at a time... gosh... life really does need to be lived that way...
although i know i could have gotten a ride to the breakfast this morning i choose to walk... i was so happy that i did... it just felt great...
i got to the restaurant about 9:45am... i did try to call James to wish him a happy birthday but no one answered the phone... oh well... i did try... and actually with me... that is a really important thing to be happy about... because i did pick up that phone and i did indeed dial his number... and i really, truly was going to do it...
ok, Master Dennis advising me to do it does at times work to clinch the thought... if i am thinking about doing something and he says do it... somehow his asking, advising me, however you want to phrase it does remove the obstacles and excuses that i can ever so easily allow me to not do something...
i did force myself to go to the breakfast... yea... i have admittedly turned into more of a hermit than i had ever been before in my life... really, i know its true... in ways it scares me... cuz i know... i have to stay strong... i cannot allow myself to slip back into that hermit mentality... even tho most times it is just where i want to be...
i do know how easily i could cut myself off from all the world... and i also know that that would perhaps be the most unhealthiest thing i could do... not just for me... but for everyone in my life...
i cannot cease to exist... i have to live and breath and continue to try and move forward and continually work on strengthing my own life...
one of the hardest things to do is try and live a hopeful life even when you honestly no longer believe in the fairy tales... to believe that all your hard work and effort is worth it even tho no one even notices just how much effort you do put into being a better person because at times... the improvements are so very small... no one, not even yourself can see them...
guess you really do have to have faith... blind faith... maybe that is what it is that i have to strengthen...
but anyways... breakfast was fun... i was shocked that Tiffany never showed up because she was one of the ones who arranged this breakfast get together...
Angela was there... telling me over and over that i look better now than i did last year... in ways she is right... i do...
more now than ever before because i finally feel that perhaps i can indeed now be in control over my eating... i am so very proud of how i have been doing lately... and yes, Master Dennis my arm does hurt from patting myself on the back, lol, lol...
but no one seems to understand... its mind boggling to even feel the smallest of success in conjunction with me eating healthy... no extreme behavior... no eating so very very good or eating so very very bad... right now i have balance...
i am totally enjoying being able to eat just a few onion rings and really enjoying the fact that i have not yet allowed those few onion rings to turn into pounds of onion rings eaten...
yes, its a small success... but i have to fully see it... to convince myself that yes... perhaps the impossible is possible... maybe just maybe for the very first time in my life... i can eat healthy and normal...
believe me i know... this balance is still very new... very fragile... too easily if i let my guard down it could turn into a onion ring life forever...
somehow i have to stay strong... and live it one day after the other and the other and the other...
the hardest thing to do at times is simply do what i know i need to do to remain healthy... inside and out... me, putting effort and time and energy... into me... and to somehow believe that i am worth it...
i have put true effort into being able to say "good and you" and mean it... i am coming to believe that most times that is the greatest thing that i can do for Master Dennis... do whatever i need to do to maintain that "good and you" mentality...
i even decided to walk home from the breakfast get together... even tho two of them live less than a block away from me... i wanted to walk... enjoy this day... and i did...
on my way home i stopped at the dollar store... i had to buy a black dog collar and a black handled chain leash, lol... they look great... only one dollar each... yes, it was just the right addition to James's birthday gift...
i am one step away from giving up on James all together... but for some reason... i had to get them for him... its too hard to stand by and watch him waste all the potential that is within him...
actually Ralph at work had said something to me about potential... that if its never realized... never pursued... potential means nothing... he told me he had wasted two years of his life with the last woman that he was with because he fell into the situation that i am in now... he seen the potential that that woman had... but she did nothing with it...
one day at a time... gosh... life really does need to be lived that way...