Thought Stopping and Shadow Stabbing
Not as a resolution for the new year, but just as a change of pace: I'm trying to stop negative thoughts from forming, or from just completely taking over my being. It's not a new concept. It's not even a new-to-me concept. I just usually sabotage myself and get bogged down by these thoughts.
One that I'm currently being challenged with is of a friend who used to be really close to me, but over the past several months, we've drifted. I'm trying not to let it get to me. I've made efforts to keep the friendship going, but he doesn't really do much on his end. In the past, he's been short with me in instant messages either in temperament (such as, "Why do people keep messaging me while I'm busy?!?" "Because you're on a messenger and have no away message indicating that you're busy?") or just in length of responses... just closed responses providing little to no insight into said person's life. In the past, he referred to me as his "therapist" and confided in me for most everything. I'd try to tell it like it is, versus providing a sycophantic response, and it seemed that he respected that of me.
Truthfully, I'd taken a step back from our friendship some months back for a number of reasons, one being that I wasn't sure of the sincerity of our friendship (so perhaps we'd already begun drifting, or that was how I'd perceived it...), and another being that I wasn't quite sure if I liked the person my friend was becoming. As I stepped away, I noticed that he didn't really put forth a lot of effort in keeping our friendship going and continued to become this person I worried he was becoming. So maybe it's for the best. If I saw something that I didn't like and backed off, perhaps that was the healthiest thing for me to do.
And what's unhealthy is second-guessing myself, as I'm wont to do in regards to friendships, and trying to fix something that technically isn't even broken.
While I'm putting forth a lot of energy into this, I'm taking pride in knowing that I'm putting in less energy than usual by thinking in a rational perspective, rather than an emotional one. Usually, I analyze too deeply and become angry and offended. But I have no need to feel either because this person is not actively doing anything to harm me. I am the one seeking out this person's friendship, and therefore the consequences of doing so are on me. But I've made these efforts because in the past, I've kept my distance needlessly. And I can't blame someone for not trying in a friendship if I, myself, am not trying. So I've tried.
I'm trying to find the balance between working through these thoughts and putting too much stock into them. Like I said before, I've surely put in too much of myself into this, but it's all a process, and I'm still finding progress in this way of thinking.
On a related note, I lead a weekly support group at a halfway house and am going to discuss mindfulness with them today. I've made handouts that highlight the first chapter of a book I purchased at a book sale the summer of 2010. It's called Choosing Happiness (do I italicize or underline book titles? Meh.) and is about living in the moment. I remember thinking it would be an excellent book to pull from for clients, and that I could benefit from it myself. (Proof of this not being a new-to-me concept...) I hope it sparks some good discussions among the group members, and perhaps I can come up with an "assignment" for them to do over the next week. AJ said that they probably won't be motivated to do an assignment, but I was thinking it'd be something simple, like, "Try to practice being fully in the moment at some point during the next week," and then we could discuss how that felt next week. And I'll have the highlights from the second chapter ready for them. Anything that I ask them to do though, I'd like to do myself. I have one group member who likes to ask me the same questions that I ask them. "What about you?" I figure that since they're required to attend group and therefore required to participate, I should participate too, even though I have the option of not responding. And since they know that, I think it helps build rapport. They're not happy to have "one more thing" expected of them, but they're happy that I'm genuine. Anyway, if I end up asking them to do this assignment, I'll do it myself. Hopefully, they're receptive to today's topic. In helping them, I'd also be helping myself. ;)
One that I'm currently being challenged with is of a friend who used to be really close to me, but over the past several months, we've drifted. I'm trying not to let it get to me. I've made efforts to keep the friendship going, but he doesn't really do much on his end. In the past, he's been short with me in instant messages either in temperament (such as, "Why do people keep messaging me while I'm busy?!?" "Because you're on a messenger and have no away message indicating that you're busy?") or just in length of responses... just closed responses providing little to no insight into said person's life. In the past, he referred to me as his "therapist" and confided in me for most everything. I'd try to tell it like it is, versus providing a sycophantic response, and it seemed that he respected that of me.
Truthfully, I'd taken a step back from our friendship some months back for a number of reasons, one being that I wasn't sure of the sincerity of our friendship (so perhaps we'd already begun drifting, or that was how I'd perceived it...), and another being that I wasn't quite sure if I liked the person my friend was becoming. As I stepped away, I noticed that he didn't really put forth a lot of effort in keeping our friendship going and continued to become this person I worried he was becoming. So maybe it's for the best. If I saw something that I didn't like and backed off, perhaps that was the healthiest thing for me to do.
And what's unhealthy is second-guessing myself, as I'm wont to do in regards to friendships, and trying to fix something that technically isn't even broken.
While I'm putting forth a lot of energy into this, I'm taking pride in knowing that I'm putting in less energy than usual by thinking in a rational perspective, rather than an emotional one. Usually, I analyze too deeply and become angry and offended. But I have no need to feel either because this person is not actively doing anything to harm me. I am the one seeking out this person's friendship, and therefore the consequences of doing so are on me. But I've made these efforts because in the past, I've kept my distance needlessly. And I can't blame someone for not trying in a friendship if I, myself, am not trying. So I've tried.
I'm trying to find the balance between working through these thoughts and putting too much stock into them. Like I said before, I've surely put in too much of myself into this, but it's all a process, and I'm still finding progress in this way of thinking.
On a related note, I lead a weekly support group at a halfway house and am going to discuss mindfulness with them today. I've made handouts that highlight the first chapter of a book I purchased at a book sale the summer of 2010. It's called Choosing Happiness (do I italicize or underline book titles? Meh.) and is about living in the moment. I remember thinking it would be an excellent book to pull from for clients, and that I could benefit from it myself. (Proof of this not being a new-to-me concept...) I hope it sparks some good discussions among the group members, and perhaps I can come up with an "assignment" for them to do over the next week. AJ said that they probably won't be motivated to do an assignment, but I was thinking it'd be something simple, like, "Try to practice being fully in the moment at some point during the next week," and then we could discuss how that felt next week. And I'll have the highlights from the second chapter ready for them. Anything that I ask them to do though, I'd like to do myself. I have one group member who likes to ask me the same questions that I ask them. "What about you?" I figure that since they're required to attend group and therefore required to participate, I should participate too, even though I have the option of not responding. And since they know that, I think it helps build rapport. They're not happy to have "one more thing" expected of them, but they're happy that I'm genuine. Anyway, if I end up asking them to do this assignment, I'll do it myself. Hopefully, they're receptive to today's topic. In helping them, I'd also be helping myself. ;)