february 6, 2009
Sigh.
Watched a movie yesterday about the Degenerate Art show that was held in Berlin in 1937/39 (?). All in all, the movie was depressing. Shots of soldiers dead in the trenches made me want to close my eyes for fear I'd remember, but the thought that my grandfather had to deal with that since he fought over there made me keep my eyes open. I saw a clip showing a bulldozer pushing about fifty dead bodies into a mass grave near a concentration camp. The tortured souls who used to inhabit those bodies now gone, their empty temples mixed together and lost under dirt. That image will not leave my mind, though, as well as the thought of what they went through. Hitler rose to power and decided to blame his inabilities on others. He wasn't able to evolve into a prestigious artist, so he ruined the lives of those who took his chance at prestige and fame once he, Hitler, came to power. He did his best to destroy the lives of famous artists, of honest persons, of people who were different. He was such a liar, I want to cry because I can't do anything else. He was a fool. His revenge hurt so many, killed so many, that we shall never forget him or what he did. That's not much of a legacy to leave, infamy.
Another side of life is that I am lonely. I'm not sure what to do about it, though. I don't want to appear desparate, yet I am and that makes things all the worse. Once I am desparate, most other persons, I have found, don't really want my company. I am so happy to just be with/around those people that I could just watch them, work with them, without saying a word or, to the other extreme, I want to tell them everything. In my experience, this isn't much fun to those whom I want to hang out with and so we spend some time together, but then get bored and go our separate ways. I try to send out whatever HELP signals come to mind, but the persons I dare send those to are very few. The only ones who really seem to recognize them are also the ones who can least afford to come help me. I want help, but I don't want to scare them out of the their senses. Sometimes, I just feel trapped.
Horse
Unsure of signals
Distrust
Afraid
Watched a movie yesterday about the Degenerate Art show that was held in Berlin in 1937/39 (?). All in all, the movie was depressing. Shots of soldiers dead in the trenches made me want to close my eyes for fear I'd remember, but the thought that my grandfather had to deal with that since he fought over there made me keep my eyes open. I saw a clip showing a bulldozer pushing about fifty dead bodies into a mass grave near a concentration camp. The tortured souls who used to inhabit those bodies now gone, their empty temples mixed together and lost under dirt. That image will not leave my mind, though, as well as the thought of what they went through. Hitler rose to power and decided to blame his inabilities on others. He wasn't able to evolve into a prestigious artist, so he ruined the lives of those who took his chance at prestige and fame once he, Hitler, came to power. He did his best to destroy the lives of famous artists, of honest persons, of people who were different. He was such a liar, I want to cry because I can't do anything else. He was a fool. His revenge hurt so many, killed so many, that we shall never forget him or what he did. That's not much of a legacy to leave, infamy.
Another side of life is that I am lonely. I'm not sure what to do about it, though. I don't want to appear desparate, yet I am and that makes things all the worse. Once I am desparate, most other persons, I have found, don't really want my company. I am so happy to just be with/around those people that I could just watch them, work with them, without saying a word or, to the other extreme, I want to tell them everything. In my experience, this isn't much fun to those whom I want to hang out with and so we spend some time together, but then get bored and go our separate ways. I try to send out whatever HELP signals come to mind, but the persons I dare send those to are very few. The only ones who really seem to recognize them are also the ones who can least afford to come help me. I want help, but I don't want to scare them out of the their senses. Sometimes, I just feel trapped.
Horse
Unsure of signals
Distrust
Afraid