A Shitty Encounter
I was buried deep in a sexual nightmare when the odour first came to me. My brain, already ruled by the subconscious, manifested a dirty poo-scene. I was being interrogated by a shit-smearing detective. Every time I refused to answer, he shoved more in my mouth. He kept asking me: "What's your name?" I don't know why I didn't want to answer. The subconscious likes to leave strings dangling, and why not?
I awoke with a gag. At first, I thought it was a double dream... the smell of shit lingered in the air like a salty reminder. It took me a few seconds to shake off the grogginess and the disgust before I ventured to the bathroom to let loose my bladder. That was when I discovered the source of the smell.
From the porcelain receptacle, waves not unlike those above a mirage or a BBQ were eminating. I dared a peek.
Inside the toilet, trying to crawl it's way out of the water unsuccessfully, was a log of feces. I was aghast! I even recognized this particular defication by the varity of legumes present. It was at LEAST two weeks old. How long had it been lurking? Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by a subtle whisper.
"Hey, a little help down here?"
Oh no.... please tell me my shit isn't talking to me...
"Excuse me. Yeah you- would you mind?"
I glaced again- the excrement was indeed staring at me- two half-rotten nuggets of corn acting as eyes. Appalled, I flushed. The log let out a horrid scream as it went back to the pipes from whence it came.
This is ok- it was probably a hallucination... maybe it's still a dream? Nope. I'm awake. That's for sure. Crazy? Perhaps. No matter. I decided to go back to sleep and see what happens.
Two hours later, I awoke again- the same putrid stench filling my nostrils...
Returning to the lavoratory, I encountered the same turd, attempting to escape it's prison.
"You again!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah- you gonna help me this time, asshole?" the shit responded. I was about to get offended at the name-calling, but realized that it was being more literal than I first had thought.
What choice, had I?
I went to the kitchen and got a pair of rubber gloves. Scooping the crap out of the bowl, I held it at eye level.
"I need to get to Cleveland" the shit stated.
"What's in Cleveland?" I inquired.
"Destiny" was the answer I recieved.
I'll skip over the rest of the details for the sake of brevity. I will, however mention, that getting past airport security with a carry-on full of defication is no small task...
.....
Cleveland, 14 hours later.
The shit directed me to a gas station near the edge of town. We hadn't talked much along the way. The shit preferred to keep it's "destiny" to itself, and I preferred not to talk to a log of poop.
At it's request, I entered the washroom on the side of the station, and brought the shit out of my bag.
"We're here" I said.
"Good. Now place me in the bowl, and flush." it commanded.
"Are you going to tell me what this is all about?" I inquired, knowing I might never see this particular mystery again.
"Some things are better left unsaid, my good asshole" he responded.
"Do you want me to put you outside?" I threatened.
"Alright. I'll tell you this much," my shit said to me, "I was brought back by a force that neither you or I could ever understand, and I've been instructed to enter THIS piping system"
"Why here?" I asked.
"The why is always left out, when dealing with destiny, ass" my poo retorted.
Certain I would not get any further, I said my good-bye and placed it in the toilet. I flushed. After a few spirals, it was gone. And then the water rose, spilling all over the floor. I ran out of the washroom, and got in my rental car.
On the way back to the airport, I pondered heavily on the events that had transpired. I had just spent my savings on the whim of a talking log, and had received no amicable reason why. That's just life though- a neverending series of leaps-of-faith. Sometimes, people leap for their Gods, and sometimes for their Logs.
And then I realized why. I had never leaped before. Not for anything. No risk, no gain, no change. But here I was in Cleveland- a city I'd never been to before.
I got drunk. I met a man in the bar who was wearing a dress. He was going to Vegas. What the hell, why not?
...
Five days later I returned home with One Million dollars in ransom money. The transvestite and I had gotten high on some form of Mescaline, and kidnapped a Paris Hilton impersonator. Her vapid parents were loaded, ironically. A vapid child whose only skill was to imitate the personification of vapidness, and yet was able to make a killing for it.
I, in turn, made money off of her vapid parents, and parted ways with the transvestite, a richer man.
My shit never crawled out of the toilet after that, and I often wonder whether it's purpose was to fulfill my own destiny, or if some unknown events had transpired in those Cleveland sewers... but I'm rich now, so I have no more need for thoughts. I just buy them now. I'm just as vapid as the your heiress impersonator. I'm just as full of shit.
I awoke with a gag. At first, I thought it was a double dream... the smell of shit lingered in the air like a salty reminder. It took me a few seconds to shake off the grogginess and the disgust before I ventured to the bathroom to let loose my bladder. That was when I discovered the source of the smell.
From the porcelain receptacle, waves not unlike those above a mirage or a BBQ were eminating. I dared a peek.
Inside the toilet, trying to crawl it's way out of the water unsuccessfully, was a log of feces. I was aghast! I even recognized this particular defication by the varity of legumes present. It was at LEAST two weeks old. How long had it been lurking? Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by a subtle whisper.
"Hey, a little help down here?"
Oh no.... please tell me my shit isn't talking to me...
"Excuse me. Yeah you- would you mind?"
I glaced again- the excrement was indeed staring at me- two half-rotten nuggets of corn acting as eyes. Appalled, I flushed. The log let out a horrid scream as it went back to the pipes from whence it came.
This is ok- it was probably a hallucination... maybe it's still a dream? Nope. I'm awake. That's for sure. Crazy? Perhaps. No matter. I decided to go back to sleep and see what happens.
Two hours later, I awoke again- the same putrid stench filling my nostrils...
Returning to the lavoratory, I encountered the same turd, attempting to escape it's prison.
"You again!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah- you gonna help me this time, asshole?" the shit responded. I was about to get offended at the name-calling, but realized that it was being more literal than I first had thought.
What choice, had I?
I went to the kitchen and got a pair of rubber gloves. Scooping the crap out of the bowl, I held it at eye level.
"I need to get to Cleveland" the shit stated.
"What's in Cleveland?" I inquired.
"Destiny" was the answer I recieved.
I'll skip over the rest of the details for the sake of brevity. I will, however mention, that getting past airport security with a carry-on full of defication is no small task...
.....
Cleveland, 14 hours later.
The shit directed me to a gas station near the edge of town. We hadn't talked much along the way. The shit preferred to keep it's "destiny" to itself, and I preferred not to talk to a log of poop.
At it's request, I entered the washroom on the side of the station, and brought the shit out of my bag.
"We're here" I said.
"Good. Now place me in the bowl, and flush." it commanded.
"Are you going to tell me what this is all about?" I inquired, knowing I might never see this particular mystery again.
"Some things are better left unsaid, my good asshole" he responded.
"Do you want me to put you outside?" I threatened.
"Alright. I'll tell you this much," my shit said to me, "I was brought back by a force that neither you or I could ever understand, and I've been instructed to enter THIS piping system"
"Why here?" I asked.
"The why is always left out, when dealing with destiny, ass" my poo retorted.
Certain I would not get any further, I said my good-bye and placed it in the toilet. I flushed. After a few spirals, it was gone. And then the water rose, spilling all over the floor. I ran out of the washroom, and got in my rental car.
On the way back to the airport, I pondered heavily on the events that had transpired. I had just spent my savings on the whim of a talking log, and had received no amicable reason why. That's just life though- a neverending series of leaps-of-faith. Sometimes, people leap for their Gods, and sometimes for their Logs.
And then I realized why. I had never leaped before. Not for anything. No risk, no gain, no change. But here I was in Cleveland- a city I'd never been to before.
I got drunk. I met a man in the bar who was wearing a dress. He was going to Vegas. What the hell, why not?
...
Five days later I returned home with One Million dollars in ransom money. The transvestite and I had gotten high on some form of Mescaline, and kidnapped a Paris Hilton impersonator. Her vapid parents were loaded, ironically. A vapid child whose only skill was to imitate the personification of vapidness, and yet was able to make a killing for it.
I, in turn, made money off of her vapid parents, and parted ways with the transvestite, a richer man.
My shit never crawled out of the toilet after that, and I often wonder whether it's purpose was to fulfill my own destiny, or if some unknown events had transpired in those Cleveland sewers... but I'm rich now, so I have no more need for thoughts. I just buy them now. I'm just as vapid as the your heiress impersonator. I'm just as full of shit.