Enjoy The Silence
This looks to be right up there near the top of another depressing holiday. It'd be worse if I wasn't getting paid to sit on my ass tomorrow. Christmas lost most of it's meaning moving to North Carolina with my father in 1998, since he's always done an amazing job at putting getting high in front of anything else. The most memorable Christmas with him I've had was revealing to him the woman he started sleeping with was a crack whore on X-mas Eve back in 2001. Ever since I've moved to Florida, Christmas has no meaning to me whatsoever. My mom is always nice enough to send me something at least, but to go along with my father's apathy it's fucking 80 degrees. So it's hard for me to tell Christmas apart from Memorial Day except for the people around me are all happy and I don't want to go near a shopping complex. This was, however the first time I spent money on people for X-mas in many years. Since my father wouldn't consider spending any of his money on my sister either again I've started to feel bad for her and get her something. She's finally starting to grow the fuck up and becoming a human and I'm proud of her for that much. I guess getting sent off to college was more of a reality check than I thought it'd be for her. But at least I don't hate the sound of her voice anymore like I have for almost a decade. Days like today I miss the way that things were. It's not that they were perfect, hell they weren't even fucking good, but it was being in that time and place of feeling emotion, acceptance and happiness for only that reason. I miss the innocent days of being a trailer park alcoholic who slept until 3 in the afternoon and then woke up and played Playstation 1 until everyone got home from work so we could party some more. I miss the anticipation of Christmas even if I got nonsense that I'd never use, or if I got a present that was more for my parents than it was for me like a telescope my mother bought me. I miss sitting down for dinner everyday even if it was leftover shit I didn't really want the first night. I miss getting sent to the front of the school bus for putting "Have A Shitty Day" across the back of the bus and then playing blackjack for money until we got moved to the back again. And I think the one thing the most depressing about the holidays is it makes me miss having a family and close friends to look forward to more than anything. Without that or anything short of hitting the lottery it's a real motherfucker to keep waking up everyday and finding a little bit more motivation inside of me to continue for one more day much less one more Christmas or New Years.
=john=
=john=