2009 Year of the Return
To what?
Well, just about everything.
I have kept well hidden from the net for a few months ok almost a year now. For personal reasons
As some of you know, Shawn and I have been dooing our best to start a family. We have not as yet been successful in that endevour. Now I know that there are hoards of women out there in the same boat, some who may be just beginning to stress over it and some who may have been at it so long, they've perfected, but this is just my experience and I'm not making any judgments. Our OB was fairly positive that she could get me to ovulate using a drug called Chlomid. I tried this for two cycles...1 at 50 mg and 1 at 100 mg. My timing was perfect...for devestation. On the first go around with the drug we were due to test right around Mother's Day. In fact, I held off an extra day so that I could. Y'all I was so sure I was pregnant I was damn near ready to buy a few baby things. I had every symptom under the sun. So I took the test and I stared at the damn negative line until my bleary eyes made it look positive. Then I threw the damn thing in the trash and locked myself up for two days fearful to see anyone, including my own mother, especially my own mother. I felt like such a fool, such a failure. I felt like she and my father wouldd be terribly disappointed in me. And none of it was true. What was true was that I have been experiencing the symptoms of a common condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).
Now plenty of woman with PCOS concieve and have normal pregnancies, normal deliveries, normal healthy babies, it's just harder. So they put me on 100 mg of the stuff and Shawn and I went at it again. This time we were pros at it. All that fumbling, worrying, watching the clock, precision was gone and we went at it with the most relaxed attitude you could have when being successful meant thinking everyday what pill you had to take, what position you had use, or what test you had to take. This time our testing came due on Grandparents' Day. This time was NOTHING like last time! Know what that meant? Oh yeah, I was so pregnant, only I wasn't. I actually had a bracelet box saved up from an old gift. I was going to wrap up the positive test and present it to my parents, because really...what better gift can you give your folks on Grandparents' Day? You might think that's gross, but trust me when I tell you my parent's would have LOVED it. OK, so now I go into hiding for 3 weeks. This is accompanied by a breakdown at work, which thank God I have compassionate coworkers, and an almost total withdraw from anything that brought me happiness. My husband, writing, work, taking care of myself...even simple things like reading or getting my hair cut or painting my nails. I spent almost 2 months watching my hair fall out of my head and yet gleefully sprout from insanely ridiculous places. My acne free skin suddenly started to erupt,. And the moodswings, Jesus! Now I never really got PMS because the BC hid the symptoms, but you all I get it now, with no predictability at all and relatively no warning and with no ovulation. Which is the part I need to get myself closer to motherhood. My OB recommended I see a specialist, but I didn't want to go. I couldn't take anymore being told how broken I was. This went beyond the fact that I was having trouble becoming a mother, I was losing my womanhood, losing my feminity and I felt like I couldn't do anything more than lie beneath the bed covers and wave goodbye to it. And that was the real kicker. I had a 14 year old boy's face, the chest of a yeti, the head of 65 year old man and certain folks who are no longer on any f-list of mine chided me about when I was going to grow the penis. I was no longer a woman or any of the wonderful things that went with that. I was no one's wife, I was no one's daughter. I was androginous at best and not even in a slinky bold Bowie sort of way, but in a lumpy puffy, bloated, red faced, hairy sort of way.
Normally I abore self pity..I'm the first person to tout out the you gotta love yourself mantra, but I think I just needed to do it. I needed to go through it and I need to hit bottom before I could claw my way up. I have mentioned much about the other person who was going through all this...SHAWN! I know it wasn't easy for him and I assumed it wasn't easy because he was slowly growing unattracted to or even *horror* out of love with his wife, but then this amazing thing happened. It was our 10th wedding anniversary. Ten years!! And my husband didn't hide me at home and order in something to eat on t tables infront of the TV, nope...he got me tickets to see Wicked, which I had been dying to see and before hand...we went to dinner at a very fancy restaurant in town and we spent the night before hand talking about the couples from our wedding and how we wanted them to join us for that dinner and we wanted to tell them how much they had meant to us becoming the couple we are today, but of those 10 people who stood with us in September 1998...I'm sad to say that only one of them remain a couple and they, sadly lost touch with us. Those other 9 relationships...have ended. Some tragically, some unexpectedly, some quite rightly, but they had ended. I realized then, that we had overcome so much! Now some of it was luck, but a lot of it was good old fashioned hard work and perserverance. It was getting a little bit ugly sometimes so that we could break through to the other side and that other side - was sweet!! I set up an impromptu party with some friends at work, they took us out for drinks before dinner. They fawned over how perfect we were for one another. They saw the wonderful man I married and they compliment him for all his best qualities and I changed...as quickly as I had been robbed of my womanhood, I had been given it back! The waiter fawned over us, brought a creme brulee to share. Neither of us having ever tried one before decided that we would jump in with both spoons with complete disregard for the consequences, let it lie on my hips for the next 5 years...it was more than a moment on my lips, it was the catalyst for a phenomenal change inside of me one that I am happy to say was just the remedy to shake me out of my doldrums.
I stepped up my game at work, not only did I get a great review and a very nice raise, but I got a promotion and a new boss who really sees what I'm capable of and who really wants to help me get there. Shawn and I are working on the house (which has started looking a bit like no one was living here), we're trading the take out and fast food for cooking together (clothing optional, because hey once the kiddies come mommy and daddy can't do that anymore). I bought some new clothes, embracing my modified shape, some silky pajamas, got a new hair do and a few nice shiny things and slowly made my way back onto the computer, into writing and on to the net, where believe it or not, I find much joy in sharing the lives of the people who I may never know my face but to whom I feel connected all the same. I took a few trips...alone (Becca you'll appreciate what a task that was for me) and I loved it. Shawn and I have started going to church regularly which we both find we enjoy and I'm living true to my heart at last. I'm not hiding my hurt feelings to others sharp words and I'm not witholding an ounce of affection. It's been one of the nicest Thanksgivings and Christmases and New Years' for that matter that we've had in a long while. AND SHAWN WAS HOME FOR ALL OF IT!! As luck would have it, he didn't have to work for any of it.
Grant you we've had a few set backs...Undergoing the testing to determine how to treat my PCOS has been trying, but he seems to have a kncack for helping me laugh about it and reminding me that no matter what he loves me and he doesn't regret marrying a broken old hag (my words not his). In fact, we were so relaxed and careless about things that when the specialist did my exam 2 weeks ago we gleefully said yes there is every reason you should give me a pregnancy test before giving me another round of Provera (a drug used to bring on my period). It was negative and it set me back for about 1/2 a day, but that's an improvement if you ask me! Shawn's friend Roy is having some pretty serious heart problems (at only 48) and was hospitalized on Christmas Eve, but is doing well and has a course of treatment plan with his doctor's. Shawn's grandfather underwent a series of strokes and subsequent rehabilitation. He's not well, but he's home. He can't be alone, but at least he can be with family. It's hard to see him in some respects because he reminds me so much of my grandfather after he got sick, but at the same time there is something easy and comfortable about it and I find myself caring for him more and feeling quite comfortable in the role thanks to my previous experience. Shawn's parents continue to withdrawl themselves from our lives in massive attacks of selfishness, but he is getting the opportunity to build stronger bonds with his brothers and that just has to be the silver lining for now. My parents have abandonned any "in-law" treatment of him and we have random family dinners...above and beyond the holdiays.
I began a few new writing projects. Some fan fic, some original work, all meant to purge the ugly dark feelings locked up inside of me and help me keep hold of the new outlook I've been trying to develop. I even started working on a co-written piece for nothing but fun, nothing but a laugh for the co-writer and I that no one else will probably ever see/read, but which has brought us many many laughs and much joy. I've started reading some of the books Katie is into and we're discussing them which is a real pleasure for me. So far we've tackled a couple of Steinbeck novels, Twilight, and the Sookie Stakehouse novels. She's still such an absolute miracle in my life, for even at the most self absorbed superficial point of her life (the late teens, when appearance is everything) she cheers me and supports me and does what she can to help me get/stay where I need to be and I don't even know if it occurs to her that she's providing that for me...I think she's just one of the last honest hearts in the world...and I am lucky enough to know fquite a few of them ;)
In short, I am suddenly very very aware of how fantastic my life is, how fantastic my family is, how fantastic my friends are and how little that depends on my clear, smooth skin or my full head of hair. I reread some of my old journal entries and I realized how happy having all of you and your support made me when I was losing gram and how much I appreciated the opportunity to feel that comfort, but there were also entries that served no purpose other than to harbor hard feelings for hurt I had niether the bravery nor the confidence to confront the appropriate people with so I locked those entries down...I may want to go back to them some day, I may want to share them with someone else some day, but for now, I like to think that 2009 is my clean start, my clean slate, not just for me, but for everyone else in my eyes and I say bring it on because it feels so damn good to not have the baggage anymore and to trust that living well results in feeling well and being well and the plan that's set for me will eventually bring me to my own personal rewards for that. Most of, I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I made. I can't take them back, I can't make up for them, all I can do is try not to make them again. And I will fail, but hopefully I will fall short trying to do the right thing and not trying to be malicious and I will proudly admit that I am human and I am imperfect, but I am good and I am deserving. There's a line in the song that I'm listening to now that says, "I stopped looking in the mirror at what was wrong with me. I noticed what was right and wanted someone else to see." How true! So to make all that stick, I needed to give up a few things in order to get my head, my life, and my career back on track. What I actually discovered is that journaling, writing (even my fan fiction), and being around people who can help me think things through is far more beneficial than trying to squirrel away and hoping that the little sanity fairies will come and help you make sense of things. In a bit of a rage, I locked down my old journal entries. I wanted to forget the person I was, I wanted to evolve and I was thinking that if I could make my insides feel better, I could make my insides work better.
So, I've embraced my new career...after all it is perfect for me.
And I've embraced my life...which may not be perfect, but it is rewarding.
And I'm embracing the random thoughts in my head...which may not be rewarding, but can help me create something that is.
And in keeping with the "New Year's" spiel I have made the following realistic (for me) resolutions. In 2009, I will...
1) Accept myself for the person I am and not the person the world sees
2) Focus my attentions on what I can do not what I wish I could do
3) Make an effort to be healthier and not worry about being thinner
4) Write something daily...if nothing more than here at LJ
A very happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year to you all. I love you for giving me my time, giving me my space, and giving me the chance to join you again!
And for the many who have written to ask about updates...YES!! They are on their way.
Well, just about everything.
I have kept well hidden from the net for a few months ok almost a year now. For personal reasons
As some of you know, Shawn and I have been dooing our best to start a family. We have not as yet been successful in that endevour. Now I know that there are hoards of women out there in the same boat, some who may be just beginning to stress over it and some who may have been at it so long, they've perfected, but this is just my experience and I'm not making any judgments. Our OB was fairly positive that she could get me to ovulate using a drug called Chlomid. I tried this for two cycles...1 at 50 mg and 1 at 100 mg. My timing was perfect...for devestation. On the first go around with the drug we were due to test right around Mother's Day. In fact, I held off an extra day so that I could. Y'all I was so sure I was pregnant I was damn near ready to buy a few baby things. I had every symptom under the sun. So I took the test and I stared at the damn negative line until my bleary eyes made it look positive. Then I threw the damn thing in the trash and locked myself up for two days fearful to see anyone, including my own mother, especially my own mother. I felt like such a fool, such a failure. I felt like she and my father wouldd be terribly disappointed in me. And none of it was true. What was true was that I have been experiencing the symptoms of a common condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).
Now plenty of woman with PCOS concieve and have normal pregnancies, normal deliveries, normal healthy babies, it's just harder. So they put me on 100 mg of the stuff and Shawn and I went at it again. This time we were pros at it. All that fumbling, worrying, watching the clock, precision was gone and we went at it with the most relaxed attitude you could have when being successful meant thinking everyday what pill you had to take, what position you had use, or what test you had to take. This time our testing came due on Grandparents' Day. This time was NOTHING like last time! Know what that meant? Oh yeah, I was so pregnant, only I wasn't. I actually had a bracelet box saved up from an old gift. I was going to wrap up the positive test and present it to my parents, because really...what better gift can you give your folks on Grandparents' Day? You might think that's gross, but trust me when I tell you my parent's would have LOVED it. OK, so now I go into hiding for 3 weeks. This is accompanied by a breakdown at work, which thank God I have compassionate coworkers, and an almost total withdraw from anything that brought me happiness. My husband, writing, work, taking care of myself...even simple things like reading or getting my hair cut or painting my nails. I spent almost 2 months watching my hair fall out of my head and yet gleefully sprout from insanely ridiculous places. My acne free skin suddenly started to erupt,. And the moodswings, Jesus! Now I never really got PMS because the BC hid the symptoms, but you all I get it now, with no predictability at all and relatively no warning and with no ovulation. Which is the part I need to get myself closer to motherhood. My OB recommended I see a specialist, but I didn't want to go. I couldn't take anymore being told how broken I was. This went beyond the fact that I was having trouble becoming a mother, I was losing my womanhood, losing my feminity and I felt like I couldn't do anything more than lie beneath the bed covers and wave goodbye to it. And that was the real kicker. I had a 14 year old boy's face, the chest of a yeti, the head of 65 year old man and certain folks who are no longer on any f-list of mine chided me about when I was going to grow the penis. I was no longer a woman or any of the wonderful things that went with that. I was no one's wife, I was no one's daughter. I was androginous at best and not even in a slinky bold Bowie sort of way, but in a lumpy puffy, bloated, red faced, hairy sort of way.
Normally I abore self pity..I'm the first person to tout out the you gotta love yourself mantra, but I think I just needed to do it. I needed to go through it and I need to hit bottom before I could claw my way up. I have mentioned much about the other person who was going through all this...SHAWN! I know it wasn't easy for him and I assumed it wasn't easy because he was slowly growing unattracted to or even *horror* out of love with his wife, but then this amazing thing happened. It was our 10th wedding anniversary. Ten years!! And my husband didn't hide me at home and order in something to eat on t tables infront of the TV, nope...he got me tickets to see Wicked, which I had been dying to see and before hand...we went to dinner at a very fancy restaurant in town and we spent the night before hand talking about the couples from our wedding and how we wanted them to join us for that dinner and we wanted to tell them how much they had meant to us becoming the couple we are today, but of those 10 people who stood with us in September 1998...I'm sad to say that only one of them remain a couple and they, sadly lost touch with us. Those other 9 relationships...have ended. Some tragically, some unexpectedly, some quite rightly, but they had ended. I realized then, that we had overcome so much! Now some of it was luck, but a lot of it was good old fashioned hard work and perserverance. It was getting a little bit ugly sometimes so that we could break through to the other side and that other side - was sweet!! I set up an impromptu party with some friends at work, they took us out for drinks before dinner. They fawned over how perfect we were for one another. They saw the wonderful man I married and they compliment him for all his best qualities and I changed...as quickly as I had been robbed of my womanhood, I had been given it back! The waiter fawned over us, brought a creme brulee to share. Neither of us having ever tried one before decided that we would jump in with both spoons with complete disregard for the consequences, let it lie on my hips for the next 5 years...it was more than a moment on my lips, it was the catalyst for a phenomenal change inside of me one that I am happy to say was just the remedy to shake me out of my doldrums.
I stepped up my game at work, not only did I get a great review and a very nice raise, but I got a promotion and a new boss who really sees what I'm capable of and who really wants to help me get there. Shawn and I are working on the house (which has started looking a bit like no one was living here), we're trading the take out and fast food for cooking together (clothing optional, because hey once the kiddies come mommy and daddy can't do that anymore). I bought some new clothes, embracing my modified shape, some silky pajamas, got a new hair do and a few nice shiny things and slowly made my way back onto the computer, into writing and on to the net, where believe it or not, I find much joy in sharing the lives of the people who I may never know my face but to whom I feel connected all the same. I took a few trips...alone (Becca you'll appreciate what a task that was for me) and I loved it. Shawn and I have started going to church regularly which we both find we enjoy and I'm living true to my heart at last. I'm not hiding my hurt feelings to others sharp words and I'm not witholding an ounce of affection. It's been one of the nicest Thanksgivings and Christmases and New Years' for that matter that we've had in a long while. AND SHAWN WAS HOME FOR ALL OF IT!! As luck would have it, he didn't have to work for any of it.
Grant you we've had a few set backs...Undergoing the testing to determine how to treat my PCOS has been trying, but he seems to have a kncack for helping me laugh about it and reminding me that no matter what he loves me and he doesn't regret marrying a broken old hag (my words not his). In fact, we were so relaxed and careless about things that when the specialist did my exam 2 weeks ago we gleefully said yes there is every reason you should give me a pregnancy test before giving me another round of Provera (a drug used to bring on my period). It was negative and it set me back for about 1/2 a day, but that's an improvement if you ask me! Shawn's friend Roy is having some pretty serious heart problems (at only 48) and was hospitalized on Christmas Eve, but is doing well and has a course of treatment plan with his doctor's. Shawn's grandfather underwent a series of strokes and subsequent rehabilitation. He's not well, but he's home. He can't be alone, but at least he can be with family. It's hard to see him in some respects because he reminds me so much of my grandfather after he got sick, but at the same time there is something easy and comfortable about it and I find myself caring for him more and feeling quite comfortable in the role thanks to my previous experience. Shawn's parents continue to withdrawl themselves from our lives in massive attacks of selfishness, but he is getting the opportunity to build stronger bonds with his brothers and that just has to be the silver lining for now. My parents have abandonned any "in-law" treatment of him and we have random family dinners...above and beyond the holdiays.
I began a few new writing projects. Some fan fic, some original work, all meant to purge the ugly dark feelings locked up inside of me and help me keep hold of the new outlook I've been trying to develop. I even started working on a co-written piece for nothing but fun, nothing but a laugh for the co-writer and I that no one else will probably ever see/read, but which has brought us many many laughs and much joy. I've started reading some of the books Katie is into and we're discussing them which is a real pleasure for me. So far we've tackled a couple of Steinbeck novels, Twilight, and the Sookie Stakehouse novels. She's still such an absolute miracle in my life, for even at the most self absorbed superficial point of her life (the late teens, when appearance is everything) she cheers me and supports me and does what she can to help me get/stay where I need to be and I don't even know if it occurs to her that she's providing that for me...I think she's just one of the last honest hearts in the world...and I am lucky enough to know fquite a few of them ;)
In short, I am suddenly very very aware of how fantastic my life is, how fantastic my family is, how fantastic my friends are and how little that depends on my clear, smooth skin or my full head of hair. I reread some of my old journal entries and I realized how happy having all of you and your support made me when I was losing gram and how much I appreciated the opportunity to feel that comfort, but there were also entries that served no purpose other than to harbor hard feelings for hurt I had niether the bravery nor the confidence to confront the appropriate people with so I locked those entries down...I may want to go back to them some day, I may want to share them with someone else some day, but for now, I like to think that 2009 is my clean start, my clean slate, not just for me, but for everyone else in my eyes and I say bring it on because it feels so damn good to not have the baggage anymore and to trust that living well results in feeling well and being well and the plan that's set for me will eventually bring me to my own personal rewards for that. Most of, I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I made. I can't take them back, I can't make up for them, all I can do is try not to make them again. And I will fail, but hopefully I will fall short trying to do the right thing and not trying to be malicious and I will proudly admit that I am human and I am imperfect, but I am good and I am deserving. There's a line in the song that I'm listening to now that says, "I stopped looking in the mirror at what was wrong with me. I noticed what was right and wanted someone else to see." How true! So to make all that stick, I needed to give up a few things in order to get my head, my life, and my career back on track. What I actually discovered is that journaling, writing (even my fan fiction), and being around people who can help me think things through is far more beneficial than trying to squirrel away and hoping that the little sanity fairies will come and help you make sense of things. In a bit of a rage, I locked down my old journal entries. I wanted to forget the person I was, I wanted to evolve and I was thinking that if I could make my insides feel better, I could make my insides work better.
So, I've embraced my new career...after all it is perfect for me.
And I've embraced my life...which may not be perfect, but it is rewarding.
And I'm embracing the random thoughts in my head...which may not be rewarding, but can help me create something that is.
And in keeping with the "New Year's" spiel I have made the following realistic (for me) resolutions. In 2009, I will...
1) Accept myself for the person I am and not the person the world sees
2) Focus my attentions on what I can do not what I wish I could do
3) Make an effort to be healthier and not worry about being thinner
4) Write something daily...if nothing more than here at LJ
A very happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year to you all. I love you for giving me my time, giving me my space, and giving me the chance to join you again!
And for the many who have written to ask about updates...YES!! They are on their way.