man
I'm sitting here writing things. Writing things and thinking and I'm wondering how many times I've edited myself and changed myself and told my old self to die away as I look at life through different sets of eyes. With different ideas and different mindsets and different inhibitions. What could of been and what never will be because of my own self defeating, suicidal, self-preservation.
Turning up the volume on music playing thinking I'm deaf but had it low. That's a relief. That's a big breath but I'm quick to make them short again. The more the better, breath in often. Never late never late for what I want to be but isn't.
I'm sorry I'm out I'm thinking I am not trying to be anything but what I am at the moment. Whatever that is what I am whatever that will be. This without end and without pause and consultation. I am trying I am trying to become something without edit and without new ideas. To pause and be momentary. This idea in my mind of eternal momentary. Play pause play pause or is all simply still and frozen for a constant resetting criticism that will show itself to me until I'm no longer looking at what's really there but what I'm saying is there and the words become so thick they coat my thoughts with old thoughts and more old thoughts and there's nothing absolutely nothing left in my mind but old dead ideas. The new ones crusting fading cracking.
God I need a drink.
Turning up the volume on music playing thinking I'm deaf but had it low. That's a relief. That's a big breath but I'm quick to make them short again. The more the better, breath in often. Never late never late for what I want to be but isn't.
I'm sorry I'm out I'm thinking I am not trying to be anything but what I am at the moment. Whatever that is what I am whatever that will be. This without end and without pause and consultation. I am trying I am trying to become something without edit and without new ideas. To pause and be momentary. This idea in my mind of eternal momentary. Play pause play pause or is all simply still and frozen for a constant resetting criticism that will show itself to me until I'm no longer looking at what's really there but what I'm saying is there and the words become so thick they coat my thoughts with old thoughts and more old thoughts and there's nothing absolutely nothing left in my mind but old dead ideas. The new ones crusting fading cracking.
God I need a drink.