it is late and i am still awake

[goatstack]

Lately I don't get tired at night anymore. I have to trick myself into sleeping. Usually watching batman until my eyes can't stand the strain of LCD after a long day of glaring and typing and pausing and clicking. I like my everyday happenings, in this way I feel old. But in so many other ways I am new and ignorant. But I don't think I want that fact to change. Vanity's impulse usually erases itself from my life every day. By the time I get in bed at night I'm full of doubt and fear. waiting for god to strike but he's never there. It's only me wanting that fresh morning sensation again to fill me with whatever lie it wants. I don't know. There's something about hope and promise that makes living worth it. I don't know what this life is and I don't know who I am or anything. Knowledge has become to me like every passing day. I hear something new and it excites me, gives me hope. Makes me wonder and hold it close but before to long it grows dark and fades and I see it never really mattered. Nothing ever really matters. And I just don't want my life to be one big day that ends with me fading into absolute nothing but I have a clue that it is. if anything I feel I know it's all for nothing. That I am failure and this is all some long eluded point made by something that views me as I view myself. And that thought terrifies me, I guess.

Starting this out I didn't feel this way but here I am now only a couple clicks after and I'm growing older even to myself. I even see this entry as irrelevant. How... ironic, I guess.