Stuff
So I haven't written here since sometime last year, and wow, it's March already. Time is fucking flying, I have to travel so much more than I'm used to, and most stuff in my life sucks, to be honest. I'm being shit on several fronts that are sorta important to me. Cars still aren't finished. I'm still single, and having less and less fun every day. My output at work is roughly resembling the graph a heartbeat makes - lots of dead time with fairly regular bursts. I need to find the time/ability to do my KTA, its not like I don't want to get the extra 5k that it'll give me...!
On the flip side of that, well, I don't know what there is that's going all that well. I'm hitting the gym a bit here and there, I'm probably the biggest I've ever been in my life, which is kinda what I wanted. I'm certainly the strongest, I spose. I'm still soft to an extent, I need to be doing something like karate to give me my edge back. Climbing is going ok, a climbing partner in Geelong would be good, but I can make do.
I was kinda thinking about writing something about letting myself down, and I still think I do, but having already written about self hate/love tonight i guess I should forgo the guilty pleasure of tearing myself down in here yet again.
I'm not sure there's any reason I write in here other than for one person to read it. And that's a bit weird, I guess, cos that person isn't me. I don't need to read all the things I've written here, I've lived them all, and if I don't remember everything verbatim, believe me, I remember the gist. I guess sometimes I write it for no one to read. Just a chance to empty my head onto the (virtual) page. I don't know that its as cathartic as I'd like it to be. In fact its often fucking frustrating cos I lose the train of thought I was following, or something else intrudes, and I wind up on some massive tangent. I guess that's a symptom of my overall lack of focus. It's not just my eyes that can't do it... =P
I miss all the good bits of my last real relationshp. I'm starved of companionship, and the fun that comes with needing to consider someone elses thoughts and feelings full time. I do relish the ability to be as selfish as I am for now, but I don't want to be this selfish all the time. I'd like to treat someone special to nice things, maybe it would stop the self-centred attitude I feel like I'm slowly developing. But part of me also just wants to be a major prick all the time.
Having unfinished business with people is turning out to be interesting too. Oh yeah, and I need to be more willing to be outgoing. Even when I'm not drunk. But fuck everything always feels so stupid and trite. Why do social interactions with strangers always have to be if not the same then follow the same general outline? Maybe it's just me?
Fuck, 1am again. Time for me to go.
On the flip side of that, well, I don't know what there is that's going all that well. I'm hitting the gym a bit here and there, I'm probably the biggest I've ever been in my life, which is kinda what I wanted. I'm certainly the strongest, I spose. I'm still soft to an extent, I need to be doing something like karate to give me my edge back. Climbing is going ok, a climbing partner in Geelong would be good, but I can make do.
I was kinda thinking about writing something about letting myself down, and I still think I do, but having already written about self hate/love tonight i guess I should forgo the guilty pleasure of tearing myself down in here yet again.
I'm not sure there's any reason I write in here other than for one person to read it. And that's a bit weird, I guess, cos that person isn't me. I don't need to read all the things I've written here, I've lived them all, and if I don't remember everything verbatim, believe me, I remember the gist. I guess sometimes I write it for no one to read. Just a chance to empty my head onto the (virtual) page. I don't know that its as cathartic as I'd like it to be. In fact its often fucking frustrating cos I lose the train of thought I was following, or something else intrudes, and I wind up on some massive tangent. I guess that's a symptom of my overall lack of focus. It's not just my eyes that can't do it... =P
I miss all the good bits of my last real relationshp. I'm starved of companionship, and the fun that comes with needing to consider someone elses thoughts and feelings full time. I do relish the ability to be as selfish as I am for now, but I don't want to be this selfish all the time. I'd like to treat someone special to nice things, maybe it would stop the self-centred attitude I feel like I'm slowly developing. But part of me also just wants to be a major prick all the time.
Having unfinished business with people is turning out to be interesting too. Oh yeah, and I need to be more willing to be outgoing. Even when I'm not drunk. But fuck everything always feels so stupid and trite. Why do social interactions with strangers always have to be if not the same then follow the same general outline? Maybe it's just me?
Fuck, 1am again. Time for me to go.