Relationship Turnings and Yearnings
My fickle heart has gone and done exactly what I hoped it would not and I don't know how into Sean I am anymore. This whole Valentine's day fiasco and subsequent talk about it has left me reconsidering a few things, mainly what kind of person Sean is and his actual intelligence as compared to his perceived smarts. I talked to him yesterday via phone and I wanted to do it person. Following Andy and the long-distance deal, I developed an aversion to telecommunication. So I expressed my ill-feelings and told him what about his actions hurt me and the entire time I felt like I was talking to a wall. Or just an idiot. While I kept telling him I was hurt because he didn't seem to care if I was going, and never checked to see if the stupid day was important at all or if I would be upset over him going without me, I just kept hearing some argument about how if we had to have used a tent with 4 people it would have been really uncomfortable. Finally I told him that if that was the case, he shouldn't have invited me. He just doesn't seem to understand me at all. I finally asked when I started being his girlfriend and found out in his mind, we've been boyfriend/girlfriend since the 2nd or 3rd dinner. So that's really news to me what the fuck why did I not know this? That is just weird that he never brought it up, maybe not, but then he kind of insulted me about the whole thing. He asked if I always have tension surrounding relationships and boundaries and I had no idea what to say except, "I'm not tense at all." He doesn't know me at all really, whatever that means. I will never fall in love with him.
In a way this is reassuring because now I know I don't fall in love easily, thank god. However, I also now know I'm dangerously susceptible to pretty faces (Like this is news. Who isn't?). It is a bad idea to keep people around just because they look nice and fuck well. I guess.
I don't know if I want to break up with him, but it's looking more and more that I'll end things before I graduate. Maybe I'm still mad. I still haven't seen him in almost a week and what the fuck is that too? Oh well. It doesn't have to be a big deal. I can just have fun. It ultimately comes down to the fact that I don't want to spend my last bit of college celibate and I don't want to slut around so the most convenient option at this point is to stay with my boyfriend that I don't like all that much. He's not that bad, I just don't like him. He's like Fig Newtons. I don't think they're a bad cookie, I just don't like them. I'll regret all this if I end up falling for him eventually, but that probably won't happen.
It just makes me miss Andy. How will I ever fall in love again? Where will I find this person? Will I be able to make it work long enough so that I can raise my kids with them? Oh dear.
In a way this is reassuring because now I know I don't fall in love easily, thank god. However, I also now know I'm dangerously susceptible to pretty faces (Like this is news. Who isn't?). It is a bad idea to keep people around just because they look nice and fuck well. I guess.
I don't know if I want to break up with him, but it's looking more and more that I'll end things before I graduate. Maybe I'm still mad. I still haven't seen him in almost a week and what the fuck is that too? Oh well. It doesn't have to be a big deal. I can just have fun. It ultimately comes down to the fact that I don't want to spend my last bit of college celibate and I don't want to slut around so the most convenient option at this point is to stay with my boyfriend that I don't like all that much. He's not that bad, I just don't like him. He's like Fig Newtons. I don't think they're a bad cookie, I just don't like them. I'll regret all this if I end up falling for him eventually, but that probably won't happen.
It just makes me miss Andy. How will I ever fall in love again? Where will I find this person? Will I be able to make it work long enough so that I can raise my kids with them? Oh dear.