Happy Holidays, sarahsan!
title: But the Ending doesn’t Change
gift for: sarahsan
gift from: waxbean
pairing: Adam/Pepper
rating: NC17
summary: Pepper shows Adam that he can’t change the ending unless he changes the beginning.
Author’s notes: Thanks to my beta and friend -- someone who always rises to the occasion, making my words clearer and hotter!
Frustrated and hurt, Adam snatches Pepper’s words from the air. Reaching up, seeing them, feeling the malice, the confusion, and something else -- something hot and beautiful.
He hones in on that, moving, sifting, pushing away the fear, the anxiety, the contradictions, the images of other boys.
In that hateful speech, he finds a trace of a thought -- it’s him, fucking her and fingering her, hard. It’s a kiss, heated and wet. It’s a bruising hold on her forearms as he has her against the wall. It’s the grip of her hipbone, the cold feel of lockers behind her head as he grinds into her.
He sees that she’s watching him, trying to fight the molasses-feel of the time that he’s stopped.
He knows that she feels him rifling through her thoughts though she’s not yet feeling the shame and resentment that’s sure to come as a result.
Adam still has them in one hand -- her words, and in the other, he has her thoughts. Milling about are the other thoughts, the ones that he’s pushed away. He doesn’t want to look too closely at those. What if he doesn’t like what he sees? And what if he does something about it?
The guilt of what he’s already done is closing in on him now, threatening to engulf him. He could just wipe this all away. But he would know. And Pepper would know that he had done something.
She could probably handle it, probably. But maybe not.
He sits there, holding her words and thoughts for a long moment. It’s long enough to let Pepper fight through the haze. Her eyes narrow, her focus sharp. She’s mad.
Adam abruptly awakens, his sheets a sticky mess around him. The shame of his actions, even in the safe and harmless confines of his dreams, hits him in waves even as the images slip away into nothingness. Still, as he closes his eyes to return to sleep he can’t shake the notion that there’s something he’s supposed to learn here.
***
Adam breathes slowly, in through his nose, out through his mouth. Just the way Anathema had taught him all those years ago. He has to maintain control. He wants to snatch those words, those horrible, painful words right out of the air. He could do it, too. Pepper is eyeing him. She knows he could do it. Adam wagers that she’s probably waiting for him to do it.
Of course, then she’d be right.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Adam feels calmer already. He’s certain that he’s right. And now he knows how to prove it. Pepper’s words, twisting and hurtful, won’t mesh with her thoughts. He’s sure of it.
It’s a transitional time, his dad had said, just that morning. You’re growing into yourself, Adam. Just as you give yourself some space for contradictions, so should you for your friends.
It had sounded quite logical to Adam. All year, he’d battled himself, it seemed. And he knew his friends were in turmoil. He’d felt it so many times that he had now had a distinct sense of déjà vu.
So when Pepper hissed at him, her voice full of venom, her words sharp and angry, Adam knew what he had to do.
“This isn’t you, Pepper," he says, calmly putting his hand on her shoulder.
She tries to shrug him off. Adam doesn’t resist. He just doesn’t allow her efforts to amount to anything.
Her eyes grow wide then, fear replacing malice. Adam registers that transition, but by then, it’s from a distance.
It would be so simple to verify. If she was truly angry about something in particular, Adam could fix it. If she was just being contradictory, and as such, in line with his father’s theory, then Adam could back off, giving her some space.
Adam decides to start with her words -- the vile ones that had stopped him in his tracks right there in hallway between the library and the media room. Adam looks into her eyes and then past them. Those words are right there at the top, so to speak, mingling with her impressions of fear. Adam pushes through, searching for the origin of such a strong set of emotions.
The thing about thoughts, especially other people’s, is that they still require translation. One can’t just take a quick look. Not that Adam makes this a habit, but he’s found that he can follow a line of thoughts if he focuses on one or two particular images. He has to exclude all the others or he’d get lost. It takes real effort to focus, too.
Adam slowly shuffles through images, looking for himself. He’s there, almost everywhere. He pauses when he sees himself, sitting on a milk crate, down in the Pit, with Dog at his side. The image has that warm sienna tone to it, the one his mother insists makes any picture both classy and timeless. Adam takes a closer look. Wensleydale and Brian are there, conversing at the far side of the Pit. They’re probably aged eleven or twelve. Adam looks at himself. He looks like he does now, at seventeen.
He presses on that image, probing for an explanation. The feeling behind the image is suddenly quite intense. He follows that feeling, sifting through her thoughts until he finds another. There is no sienna tone coloring this one. It’s recent. In it, he’s standing close by but clearly absorbed in his thoughts. He feels Pepper’s rising irritation. He can understand this irritation perfectly well. Adam is the first to admit that he should pay more attention to the goings on around him. However, he still questions the intensity of emotion. He knows there’s more to uncover here.
He presses further, finding with familiarity now the emotional signature that Pepper attaches to him. He’s more efficient as he moves through her thoughts. He doesn’t have to even glance at all of the ones that he’s in. He can just feel the thoughts for their emotional registers. There are so many other thoughts, buzzing around, pressing in on him. He swats them away.
There’s something a bit different up ahead. Adam wants to race towards it. He’s suddenly aware that perhaps he’s been searching for those thoughts all along. He’s also suddenly aware of Pepper herself, struggling to regain control of her mind.
He could block her completely. He could make it so she would never know what he’s doing. Or he could make her forget what’s he’s doing when he’s done. He doesn’t really want to do any of those things. He wants her to know what he’s doing, what he’s capable of, and what he’s willing to do, even to her.
Or maybe, he wants to know those things himself.
He doesn’t fight her. She’s moving with the speed of a snail while he’s coursing through her thoughts. But he can feel her rage, her fear, and the slow coil of her shame. And the closer he gets to what’s ahead, he can feel her dread.
Adam stops. He knows what’s next. It’s obvious, almost like he’s seen it all before. He waits for Pepper to catch up. In just a moment or two, Pepper reaches him, hovering right outside those thoughts. Then he shifts his attention away and looks directly into her eyes.
Pepper is livid.
He forces himself not to flinch under her gaze.
But he also notes that her pupils are dilated, her lips are parted, and her breath is coming harshly. She’s leaning into his grip now, her body warm and nearly humming with anticipation.
Adam looks at her, seeing everything. Those thoughts come fast, the images blurring together. In one, he’s fucking her, her panties yanked aside, her breasts bouncing. Another features a long, slow, wet kiss, complete with groping and moaning. He can see lewd images juxtaposed together like an eleven year old Adam masturbating with a seventeen year Pepper watching and her sucking him off in old Mr.Tyler’s apple orchard.
As he sees these thoughts, he also sees Pepper as she relives these fantasies, right there with him.
But Adam’s vision is perfect when he needs it to be. So he also sees that she is deeply disappointed in him. He can no longer tell the difference between her feelings of shame and his own.
Abruptly, Adam stops everything, knowing it’s the right thing to do, at last.
“I’m so sorry, Pepper.”
She takes a few quick but deep breaths, collecting herself in the process. He can see that she is not going to say another word to him. He’s profoundly grateful for that, too. Then she shrugs off his grip and turns to walk away.
“Contradictions,” he mutters to himself.
On the way to class, he wonders if he learned anything from what is surely going to have long-lasting repercussions in his relationship with Pepper.
But by the time he reaches his class, he’s replayed Pepper’s initial stinging remarks and reevaluated his strong sense of déjà vu and thus realized that this episode will not have any effect at all. She knew what he was capable of, even if he himself had forgotten.
gift for: sarahsan
gift from: waxbean
pairing: Adam/Pepper
rating: NC17
summary: Pepper shows Adam that he can’t change the ending unless he changes the beginning.
Author’s notes: Thanks to my beta and friend -- someone who always rises to the occasion, making my words clearer and hotter!
Frustrated and hurt, Adam snatches Pepper’s words from the air. Reaching up, seeing them, feeling the malice, the confusion, and something else -- something hot and beautiful.
He hones in on that, moving, sifting, pushing away the fear, the anxiety, the contradictions, the images of other boys.
In that hateful speech, he finds a trace of a thought -- it’s him, fucking her and fingering her, hard. It’s a kiss, heated and wet. It’s a bruising hold on her forearms as he has her against the wall. It’s the grip of her hipbone, the cold feel of lockers behind her head as he grinds into her.
He sees that she’s watching him, trying to fight the molasses-feel of the time that he’s stopped.
He knows that she feels him rifling through her thoughts though she’s not yet feeling the shame and resentment that’s sure to come as a result.
Adam still has them in one hand -- her words, and in the other, he has her thoughts. Milling about are the other thoughts, the ones that he’s pushed away. He doesn’t want to look too closely at those. What if he doesn’t like what he sees? And what if he does something about it?
The guilt of what he’s already done is closing in on him now, threatening to engulf him. He could just wipe this all away. But he would know. And Pepper would know that he had done something.
She could probably handle it, probably. But maybe not.
He sits there, holding her words and thoughts for a long moment. It’s long enough to let Pepper fight through the haze. Her eyes narrow, her focus sharp. She’s mad.
Adam abruptly awakens, his sheets a sticky mess around him. The shame of his actions, even in the safe and harmless confines of his dreams, hits him in waves even as the images slip away into nothingness. Still, as he closes his eyes to return to sleep he can’t shake the notion that there’s something he’s supposed to learn here.
***
Adam breathes slowly, in through his nose, out through his mouth. Just the way Anathema had taught him all those years ago. He has to maintain control. He wants to snatch those words, those horrible, painful words right out of the air. He could do it, too. Pepper is eyeing him. She knows he could do it. Adam wagers that she’s probably waiting for him to do it.
Of course, then she’d be right.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Adam feels calmer already. He’s certain that he’s right. And now he knows how to prove it. Pepper’s words, twisting and hurtful, won’t mesh with her thoughts. He’s sure of it.
It’s a transitional time, his dad had said, just that morning. You’re growing into yourself, Adam. Just as you give yourself some space for contradictions, so should you for your friends.
It had sounded quite logical to Adam. All year, he’d battled himself, it seemed. And he knew his friends were in turmoil. He’d felt it so many times that he had now had a distinct sense of déjà vu.
So when Pepper hissed at him, her voice full of venom, her words sharp and angry, Adam knew what he had to do.
“This isn’t you, Pepper," he says, calmly putting his hand on her shoulder.
She tries to shrug him off. Adam doesn’t resist. He just doesn’t allow her efforts to amount to anything.
Her eyes grow wide then, fear replacing malice. Adam registers that transition, but by then, it’s from a distance.
It would be so simple to verify. If she was truly angry about something in particular, Adam could fix it. If she was just being contradictory, and as such, in line with his father’s theory, then Adam could back off, giving her some space.
Adam decides to start with her words -- the vile ones that had stopped him in his tracks right there in hallway between the library and the media room. Adam looks into her eyes and then past them. Those words are right there at the top, so to speak, mingling with her impressions of fear. Adam pushes through, searching for the origin of such a strong set of emotions.
The thing about thoughts, especially other people’s, is that they still require translation. One can’t just take a quick look. Not that Adam makes this a habit, but he’s found that he can follow a line of thoughts if he focuses on one or two particular images. He has to exclude all the others or he’d get lost. It takes real effort to focus, too.
Adam slowly shuffles through images, looking for himself. He’s there, almost everywhere. He pauses when he sees himself, sitting on a milk crate, down in the Pit, with Dog at his side. The image has that warm sienna tone to it, the one his mother insists makes any picture both classy and timeless. Adam takes a closer look. Wensleydale and Brian are there, conversing at the far side of the Pit. They’re probably aged eleven or twelve. Adam looks at himself. He looks like he does now, at seventeen.
He presses on that image, probing for an explanation. The feeling behind the image is suddenly quite intense. He follows that feeling, sifting through her thoughts until he finds another. There is no sienna tone coloring this one. It’s recent. In it, he’s standing close by but clearly absorbed in his thoughts. He feels Pepper’s rising irritation. He can understand this irritation perfectly well. Adam is the first to admit that he should pay more attention to the goings on around him. However, he still questions the intensity of emotion. He knows there’s more to uncover here.
He presses further, finding with familiarity now the emotional signature that Pepper attaches to him. He’s more efficient as he moves through her thoughts. He doesn’t have to even glance at all of the ones that he’s in. He can just feel the thoughts for their emotional registers. There are so many other thoughts, buzzing around, pressing in on him. He swats them away.
There’s something a bit different up ahead. Adam wants to race towards it. He’s suddenly aware that perhaps he’s been searching for those thoughts all along. He’s also suddenly aware of Pepper herself, struggling to regain control of her mind.
He could block her completely. He could make it so she would never know what he’s doing. Or he could make her forget what’s he’s doing when he’s done. He doesn’t really want to do any of those things. He wants her to know what he’s doing, what he’s capable of, and what he’s willing to do, even to her.
Or maybe, he wants to know those things himself.
He doesn’t fight her. She’s moving with the speed of a snail while he’s coursing through her thoughts. But he can feel her rage, her fear, and the slow coil of her shame. And the closer he gets to what’s ahead, he can feel her dread.
Adam stops. He knows what’s next. It’s obvious, almost like he’s seen it all before. He waits for Pepper to catch up. In just a moment or two, Pepper reaches him, hovering right outside those thoughts. Then he shifts his attention away and looks directly into her eyes.
Pepper is livid.
He forces himself not to flinch under her gaze.
But he also notes that her pupils are dilated, her lips are parted, and her breath is coming harshly. She’s leaning into his grip now, her body warm and nearly humming with anticipation.
Adam looks at her, seeing everything. Those thoughts come fast, the images blurring together. In one, he’s fucking her, her panties yanked aside, her breasts bouncing. Another features a long, slow, wet kiss, complete with groping and moaning. He can see lewd images juxtaposed together like an eleven year old Adam masturbating with a seventeen year Pepper watching and her sucking him off in old Mr.Tyler’s apple orchard.
As he sees these thoughts, he also sees Pepper as she relives these fantasies, right there with him.
But Adam’s vision is perfect when he needs it to be. So he also sees that she is deeply disappointed in him. He can no longer tell the difference between her feelings of shame and his own.
Abruptly, Adam stops everything, knowing it’s the right thing to do, at last.
“I’m so sorry, Pepper.”
She takes a few quick but deep breaths, collecting herself in the process. He can see that she is not going to say another word to him. He’s profoundly grateful for that, too. Then she shrugs off his grip and turns to walk away.
“Contradictions,” he mutters to himself.
On the way to class, he wonders if he learned anything from what is surely going to have long-lasting repercussions in his relationship with Pepper.
But by the time he reaches his class, he’s replayed Pepper’s initial stinging remarks and reevaluated his strong sense of déjà vu and thus realized that this episode will not have any effect at all. She knew what he was capable of, even if he himself had forgotten.