Well, it happened...
This morning I broke down and cried.
For a long, long time.
Yesterday was a bad day. Between the bad news about the $550 still due MCAD, I discovered that one of my tired was not in fact patched which I was charged for. Leaving me with a very flat tire. Usually my flat tires on that wheel are only a little from flat so there's still a bubble enough of air to allow me to drive the two blocks to a gas station and fill it up for $.50 of air. Not yesterday. It is FLAT flat. So Seamus was going to help me change it this morning so I could go down to the mechanic and get it fixed.
Well, last night, I did not get a wink of sleep. I tried. But it was mostly spent staring into the darkness of the ceiling and worrying about my life. I took a sleeping pill. Then it was half-awake and muddy staring at my ceiling for hours worrying about my life. This morning, Seamus was supposed to leave his place at 8am. I called him at 8 to let him know that I was just NOW starting to feel groggy, so I'm going to sleep and I'll feel better.
Then FUCKING BUILDING MAINTENANCE DECIDED TO REPLACE THE BASEBOARD ONLY IN FRONT OF MY APARTMENT between 8 and now!!! No, they couldn't replace it anywhere else in the building today, no they had to do it RIGHT IN THE HALL OUTSIDE MY DOOR with power saws, hammering, sawing, and heavy boot-steps for 4 hours right outside, on the other side of the wall where my head rests. I tossed and turned, telling myself I can get some sleep before noon, right? The sound isn't the bad... But every time I would drift some loud bang or buzz outside would snap me back to consciousness. Well, noon rolls around and they STOP. Only my baseboard needed replacing apparently, no others in the building. And they couldn't do it in the afternoon... So I didn't sleep last night.
I can afford to sleep this afternoon, I have too much work to do.
So I cried.
See, I haven't thought about death in a long, long time. In all honestly, I think it's pretty normal for people to have a fleeting thought of "what if I died" in their lives. I know mine usually consist of "would people remember me? forget me? Show up to the funeral? what would they say?" in my life I've had moments where I would be driving and imagine drifting into the next lane having a huge accident. I envision it in my mind, with wrangled metal and flesh intermingled around each other into a heaping pile of "news at 11." I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time and even then they were never the really bad thoughts of death like "I'll show them what the world did to me," and the like. I don't know. How the hell do I know. No one talked about their thoughts of death. it's kind of a social faux pas. "Do you think about killing yourself, Dave?" "Ah, Gee Fred you know, I don't exactly feel comfortable talking about this with you in the men's room." Not exactly something that comes up in daily conversation. I've never been pushed to the point of going through with my scary little thoughts. They've never been bloody thoughts. No knives or blades. I've never wanted to swallow pills. Nothing caused by me, really. Just "What if I died" thoughts. Mine have always been thoughts of "what if someone broke into the house right now and raped and killed me, how long would it take the neighbors to notice?" "What if I have a heart attack or a brain aneurysm right now and died. Would anyone care?"
Today, my thoughts of death got a little darker while I was trying to claw some sleep from the morning hours between buzz saws and boot steps. I'm not trying to scare anyone, this was just what I thought. "There's the Broadway Blvd. bridge over the Mississippi River. A beautiful view of the city at night, completely unobstructed. A good 3 stories above the water. What a perfect place to throw one's self over the edge into the icy cold. Would the fall kill me? Naw. It would probably just break my legs and my back and make it difficult to swim. So I would probably drown. Naw. The hypothermia would get me first and then I'll probably drown."
And I stopped. Usually when my mind wanders down this dark alleyway, I turn it around because I don't like what's before me. But this time...The thought didn't scare me like it usually does. So I cried. I cried because I didn't know what else to do. I don't want to die but part of me does. Or does it? I don't know. I just cried and tried not to think about anything.
I think I'm at 99" - 100%, Scott. I'm going to go get help...when I can afford it. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't worry. There's a video on Youtube:
-glych
For a long, long time.
Yesterday was a bad day. Between the bad news about the $550 still due MCAD, I discovered that one of my tired was not in fact patched which I was charged for. Leaving me with a very flat tire. Usually my flat tires on that wheel are only a little from flat so there's still a bubble enough of air to allow me to drive the two blocks to a gas station and fill it up for $.50 of air. Not yesterday. It is FLAT flat. So Seamus was going to help me change it this morning so I could go down to the mechanic and get it fixed.
Well, last night, I did not get a wink of sleep. I tried. But it was mostly spent staring into the darkness of the ceiling and worrying about my life. I took a sleeping pill. Then it was half-awake and muddy staring at my ceiling for hours worrying about my life. This morning, Seamus was supposed to leave his place at 8am. I called him at 8 to let him know that I was just NOW starting to feel groggy, so I'm going to sleep and I'll feel better.
Then FUCKING BUILDING MAINTENANCE DECIDED TO REPLACE THE BASEBOARD ONLY IN FRONT OF MY APARTMENT between 8 and now!!! No, they couldn't replace it anywhere else in the building today, no they had to do it RIGHT IN THE HALL OUTSIDE MY DOOR with power saws, hammering, sawing, and heavy boot-steps for 4 hours right outside, on the other side of the wall where my head rests. I tossed and turned, telling myself I can get some sleep before noon, right? The sound isn't the bad... But every time I would drift some loud bang or buzz outside would snap me back to consciousness. Well, noon rolls around and they STOP. Only my baseboard needed replacing apparently, no others in the building. And they couldn't do it in the afternoon... So I didn't sleep last night.
I can afford to sleep this afternoon, I have too much work to do.
So I cried.
See, I haven't thought about death in a long, long time. In all honestly, I think it's pretty normal for people to have a fleeting thought of "what if I died" in their lives. I know mine usually consist of "would people remember me? forget me? Show up to the funeral? what would they say?" in my life I've had moments where I would be driving and imagine drifting into the next lane having a huge accident. I envision it in my mind, with wrangled metal and flesh intermingled around each other into a heaping pile of "news at 11." I haven't had thoughts like that in a long time and even then they were never the really bad thoughts of death like "I'll show them what the world did to me," and the like. I don't know. How the hell do I know. No one talked about their thoughts of death. it's kind of a social faux pas. "Do you think about killing yourself, Dave?" "Ah, Gee Fred you know, I don't exactly feel comfortable talking about this with you in the men's room." Not exactly something that comes up in daily conversation. I've never been pushed to the point of going through with my scary little thoughts. They've never been bloody thoughts. No knives or blades. I've never wanted to swallow pills. Nothing caused by me, really. Just "What if I died" thoughts. Mine have always been thoughts of "what if someone broke into the house right now and raped and killed me, how long would it take the neighbors to notice?" "What if I have a heart attack or a brain aneurysm right now and died. Would anyone care?"
Today, my thoughts of death got a little darker while I was trying to claw some sleep from the morning hours between buzz saws and boot steps. I'm not trying to scare anyone, this was just what I thought. "There's the Broadway Blvd. bridge over the Mississippi River. A beautiful view of the city at night, completely unobstructed. A good 3 stories above the water. What a perfect place to throw one's self over the edge into the icy cold. Would the fall kill me? Naw. It would probably just break my legs and my back and make it difficult to swim. So I would probably drown. Naw. The hypothermia would get me first and then I'll probably drown."
And I stopped. Usually when my mind wanders down this dark alleyway, I turn it around because I don't like what's before me. But this time...The thought didn't scare me like it usually does. So I cried. I cried because I didn't know what else to do. I don't want to die but part of me does. Or does it? I don't know. I just cried and tried not to think about anything.
I think I'm at 99" - 100%, Scott. I'm going to go get help...when I can afford it. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't worry. There's a video on Youtube:
Click to view-glych