This is going out to no one
but i might as well write it.
i question the validity of life & feeling & the heart.
i am a hypocrite. we all are. but i am so fucking tired of searching for the good and pure things in this world anymore. it seems i have the same conversation with different people everyday. i could replace them with a brick wall. it wouldn't matter much. i am always reintroducing myself, tiptoeing around the emotions that fueled a life i once lived fully. it was a deep and vast sea that has shrunken and dried up into sand, dirt and intermittent puddles. it seems i haven't fully disclosed myself to anyone in years. maybe it has just been the pressure of a few months time. but not really. i lost myself in college.
that girl was so tired of chasing after life that she saw victory in ending it. i have recently begun to revisit that same ideology. this is all a sham. we aren't living for the beauty and emotion and pure ecstasy of life anymore. we are pleasure-seekers, self-fulfillers, conformists, hypocrites... the list is long and depressing. so is this life. sometimes i see valor in suicide. despite the many times i have sat nodding my head in a discussion about its cowardliness. but i know that in the back of my mind, i am a little envious that they found an escape from all of the horrible feelings that weigh so much more than the rest. people mistake the act as a way of getting free from external forces. but really they are getting free from themselves. if we are all just sin and treachery ... what's the point?
i've got a headache.
if there were anything out there to delay such thoughts, i wish it would come soon. i've just grown so weary and jaded. i don't want this life anymore. i don't see anything left worth fighting for.
i question the validity of life & feeling & the heart.
i am a hypocrite. we all are. but i am so fucking tired of searching for the good and pure things in this world anymore. it seems i have the same conversation with different people everyday. i could replace them with a brick wall. it wouldn't matter much. i am always reintroducing myself, tiptoeing around the emotions that fueled a life i once lived fully. it was a deep and vast sea that has shrunken and dried up into sand, dirt and intermittent puddles. it seems i haven't fully disclosed myself to anyone in years. maybe it has just been the pressure of a few months time. but not really. i lost myself in college.
that girl was so tired of chasing after life that she saw victory in ending it. i have recently begun to revisit that same ideology. this is all a sham. we aren't living for the beauty and emotion and pure ecstasy of life anymore. we are pleasure-seekers, self-fulfillers, conformists, hypocrites... the list is long and depressing. so is this life. sometimes i see valor in suicide. despite the many times i have sat nodding my head in a discussion about its cowardliness. but i know that in the back of my mind, i am a little envious that they found an escape from all of the horrible feelings that weigh so much more than the rest. people mistake the act as a way of getting free from external forces. but really they are getting free from themselves. if we are all just sin and treachery ... what's the point?
i've got a headache.
if there were anything out there to delay such thoughts, i wish it would come soon. i've just grown so weary and jaded. i don't want this life anymore. i don't see anything left worth fighting for.