The worst part....
is waiting and hoping that TODAY might be the day. I am reminded of the hours leading up to cross-country meets. Cramped in a school van, tension was high in every one of us and spread the closer together we were. I would pray and pray that something would happen that would cause us to miss the meet - that we would get lost or in an accident. There were truly times I told myself I would rather be in a wreck than go through the grueling 3.1 stretch of a 5k race. Afterward, knowing that everything was alright and that I would do it again. It was always rather anticlimatic. I expected some great reward at the end for putting myself through all of the mental and physical strain of an athlete. What I forgot was that it was all done for my sake.
...Wanting someone to care about you can usually be just as taxing. The worst part is hoping that at some moment he will notice you. That one instant will suddenly be very different from the rest...wherein he takes you in his arms and plants a great romantic kiss on your lips and sweeps you off into the sunset. You hope that the next time you cross paths, you are more to him than another breathing being with opposite sex organs, who just so happens to be sharing air with him. Though he doesn't know you are leaning in, trying to share HIS air, for some way to be a part of some morsel of his life. You hope, this time, to be beautiful, breathtaking and dazzling. But with him, you never see a struggle - or at least he doesn't let on to one - to maintain composure. This is what you tell yourself to keep from having to run to the ladies' room in tears over a guy you barely know, yet want to be loved - in return. And because of him, the loneliness you've known for quite some time infiltrates every corner of your life and your senses until he is there all the time, on your mind. While you know how insensible it all is, you can't seem to think about anything else. And you begin to notice how lonely this world is, where everyone is leading their lives for themselves, or maybe that's just a reflection of yourself you see in a mirror that looks like windowpane. And you wonder what it takes in order to forfeit some of that territory. In fact, you are dying to forfeit it, but you are just waiting for someone to ask - but not just someone, not just anyone - you are waiting for him to ask. When his is nearby, you get tangled, you clam up, you forget to think. And he so easily looks over you like the wall. You try to act nonchalant, indifferent to his coolness, but know you are acting all wrong. You feel stupid, young and weak. You pine for love, so desperately, almost like someone who has been without food or water for days. You get delirious with want. You get unrealistic. You wish for moments when the earth stops and the wind the sun and the weather are all moving in your favor. You yearn to call his eyes upon you and thoughts toward you, just by being there. You yearn for him to feel what you feel - But you know the battle is over and you continue to fight. You try to pad your heart, hold it tight. Pause it, keep it from moving for as long as possible before it can drop and crash into pieces.
...Wanting someone to care about you can usually be just as taxing. The worst part is hoping that at some moment he will notice you. That one instant will suddenly be very different from the rest...wherein he takes you in his arms and plants a great romantic kiss on your lips and sweeps you off into the sunset. You hope that the next time you cross paths, you are more to him than another breathing being with opposite sex organs, who just so happens to be sharing air with him. Though he doesn't know you are leaning in, trying to share HIS air, for some way to be a part of some morsel of his life. You hope, this time, to be beautiful, breathtaking and dazzling. But with him, you never see a struggle - or at least he doesn't let on to one - to maintain composure. This is what you tell yourself to keep from having to run to the ladies' room in tears over a guy you barely know, yet want to be loved - in return. And because of him, the loneliness you've known for quite some time infiltrates every corner of your life and your senses until he is there all the time, on your mind. While you know how insensible it all is, you can't seem to think about anything else. And you begin to notice how lonely this world is, where everyone is leading their lives for themselves, or maybe that's just a reflection of yourself you see in a mirror that looks like windowpane. And you wonder what it takes in order to forfeit some of that territory. In fact, you are dying to forfeit it, but you are just waiting for someone to ask - but not just someone, not just anyone - you are waiting for him to ask. When his is nearby, you get tangled, you clam up, you forget to think. And he so easily looks over you like the wall. You try to act nonchalant, indifferent to his coolness, but know you are acting all wrong. You feel stupid, young and weak. You pine for love, so desperately, almost like someone who has been without food or water for days. You get delirious with want. You get unrealistic. You wish for moments when the earth stops and the wind the sun and the weather are all moving in your favor. You yearn to call his eyes upon you and thoughts toward you, just by being there. You yearn for him to feel what you feel - But you know the battle is over and you continue to fight. You try to pad your heart, hold it tight. Pause it, keep it from moving for as long as possible before it can drop and crash into pieces.