(no subject)
I don't know what to write. I'm feeling down and I'm trying to make myself feel better.
It's hard to write on a public blog the way I do in my journal. For one, my imagined audience is different...
Write what scares you. Who said that? Hemingway, or something.
Write what scares you.
I'd like to do more writing everyday. Small steps, I guess. I'm much more used to journalling than fiction writing. Why write fiction? I wrote a screenplay once but I was experimenting with alternative scene structure and it didn't get picked up. I didn't mass-submit it though. Now that it's been a few years maybe I should re-read, edit, maybe some minor restructuring. I need a new pen name. I've been making up new ones so quickly I forget what they are by the next day.
Everything is fine. I'm definitely having trouble writing the things that scare me. It's hard when the people who once called you family so happily reject you. I know all breakups are hard. But did he have to drug me? How do you forgive someone for that? How do I ever find...
I know that's I'm still okay. I'm strong and will persevere. I raised May to be strong and resilient and I have to trust that she is capable and independent.
Everyone makes mistakes. I'm not sure the punishment I received fits the crime. It's so hard to not want to see justice served to those who did this to me. I want to go back to school, or simply read more philosophy of law. I need to understand this... get this shit out of my head, as it were.
It's weird to write about in my blog, but I miss having spiritual guidance so much. I miss my friends to call for advice. I'm trying my best to stay on my path. I need to have Faith in Canada. I am a part of this City, a member of this community, even though I am a new one. I need to understand all of this. How can they justify their actions? Robert himself easily discusses soundbitey rhetoric about fear culture. And yet has me, Angie, drugged. How does he justify it? Who or what is pulling his strings? Is it a desire for affection, for money, for prestige? Is he using me to advance his political career? What did he really say in court. What would drive him to the lengths of having me incarcerated... I can only pray he was also concerned about the opioid and refugee crises. Did he talk to the judge about those things? How and why did I become a priority in Robert's brain? He never even speaks to me.
None of this makes any sense. They encourage me to do theatre. Do they not understand the theatrical process? Know they nothing of art? Not to be too... somethingism. But how can they expect me to pursue my art if I'm not permitted to practice said art? I am never, ever dating an anti-feminist again. The level of control and judgement in the relationship was outside my experience. Unless of course they are, like, I don't know. Satirical? Ignorant but willing to learn is understandable, I think? I don't know. I feel awful writing it. It's just. I like to think that mansplaining is a bit of a myth, lol, but honestly, wtf.
In any case...
I don't hate men. I'm getting bored of being single. I think this may be one of my longest stretches of singledom since I hit puberty, lol. I don't know what I want though. I'm scared to jump into anything before I'm done mourning. I'm still somewhat fuming a gentle rage.
I am vindictive but I aspire to legal justice. Legal reform. The entire system is whack, man. I knew when I was in there. I need to face the challenges of life with the best of my abilities. If anyone is stationed to enjoy the Canadian version of free speech, it's me. To be drugged and incarcerated over art and speech. I need to solve this.
I had a resident who cracked once. I remember sitting in a room with her while she talked nonstop for hours. I didn't know what to do so we sat with her. Eventually someone came. What happened to her? It was so long ago. I don't think she was on one of my floors. It made me want to study psychology even more vigilantly. Do the psychiatrists even believe the things they are saying? I have a right to deny treatment. Especially psychological treatment. What they did was a horrifying breach of ethics and all standards I hold dear. To see and experience it with my own eyes. To watch as a woman clearly presenting with diabetes about to be injected with sedatives or psychotropics while being withheld food. How many have died within the so-called "hospital"'s walls? I need answers.
Angie
It's hard to write on a public blog the way I do in my journal. For one, my imagined audience is different...
Write what scares you. Who said that? Hemingway, or something.
Write what scares you.
I'd like to do more writing everyday. Small steps, I guess. I'm much more used to journalling than fiction writing. Why write fiction? I wrote a screenplay once but I was experimenting with alternative scene structure and it didn't get picked up. I didn't mass-submit it though. Now that it's been a few years maybe I should re-read, edit, maybe some minor restructuring. I need a new pen name. I've been making up new ones so quickly I forget what they are by the next day.
Everything is fine. I'm definitely having trouble writing the things that scare me. It's hard when the people who once called you family so happily reject you. I know all breakups are hard. But did he have to drug me? How do you forgive someone for that? How do I ever find...
I know that's I'm still okay. I'm strong and will persevere. I raised May to be strong and resilient and I have to trust that she is capable and independent.
Everyone makes mistakes. I'm not sure the punishment I received fits the crime. It's so hard to not want to see justice served to those who did this to me. I want to go back to school, or simply read more philosophy of law. I need to understand this... get this shit out of my head, as it were.
It's weird to write about in my blog, but I miss having spiritual guidance so much. I miss my friends to call for advice. I'm trying my best to stay on my path. I need to have Faith in Canada. I am a part of this City, a member of this community, even though I am a new one. I need to understand all of this. How can they justify their actions? Robert himself easily discusses soundbitey rhetoric about fear culture. And yet has me, Angie, drugged. How does he justify it? Who or what is pulling his strings? Is it a desire for affection, for money, for prestige? Is he using me to advance his political career? What did he really say in court. What would drive him to the lengths of having me incarcerated... I can only pray he was also concerned about the opioid and refugee crises. Did he talk to the judge about those things? How and why did I become a priority in Robert's brain? He never even speaks to me.
None of this makes any sense. They encourage me to do theatre. Do they not understand the theatrical process? Know they nothing of art? Not to be too... somethingism. But how can they expect me to pursue my art if I'm not permitted to practice said art? I am never, ever dating an anti-feminist again. The level of control and judgement in the relationship was outside my experience. Unless of course they are, like, I don't know. Satirical? Ignorant but willing to learn is understandable, I think? I don't know. I feel awful writing it. It's just. I like to think that mansplaining is a bit of a myth, lol, but honestly, wtf.
In any case...
I don't hate men. I'm getting bored of being single. I think this may be one of my longest stretches of singledom since I hit puberty, lol. I don't know what I want though. I'm scared to jump into anything before I'm done mourning. I'm still somewhat fuming a gentle rage.
I am vindictive but I aspire to legal justice. Legal reform. The entire system is whack, man. I knew when I was in there. I need to face the challenges of life with the best of my abilities. If anyone is stationed to enjoy the Canadian version of free speech, it's me. To be drugged and incarcerated over art and speech. I need to solve this.
I had a resident who cracked once. I remember sitting in a room with her while she talked nonstop for hours. I didn't know what to do so we sat with her. Eventually someone came. What happened to her? It was so long ago. I don't think she was on one of my floors. It made me want to study psychology even more vigilantly. Do the psychiatrists even believe the things they are saying? I have a right to deny treatment. Especially psychological treatment. What they did was a horrifying breach of ethics and all standards I hold dear. To see and experience it with my own eyes. To watch as a woman clearly presenting with diabetes about to be injected with sedatives or psychotropics while being withheld food. How many have died within the so-called "hospital"'s walls? I need answers.
Angie