Aye, memory lane
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I think I miss times in my life where I had things on the internet that I felt connected to. It was a big part of growing up... I always surfed children's sites, I always had something fun to check on the computer.
I guess other children went apple picking.
Plus maybe I'm bored cause Robert's gone.
Nostalgiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadfkadsgfkdjagdfsjkadsg
Annoying.
WHY DO I DO THIS.
I don't have to. Oh yeah.
--------
Wow, I logged into livejournal for the first time in years and found the saved draft above. So weird. I didn't even know I livejournaled at any point when I was with Robert. I definitely have been reminiscing about my old childhood online friends, though..... >_@;
I'm not sure what brought me to LJ today. I was thinking of starting a blog but it seems weird to start a new one when I can still login to ye ol' trustee.
Aaaanyway. Life is.......... okay. I mean. I don't know what to say. When I was young I used to dream about being 30. I used to imagine having a job and a room of my own, not to make a weird comparison but like Anne on Buffy. I just... that's what I used to imagine for my future. Even Anne's storyline in Angel... minus the non-spoiler illegal parts... I sort of thought that's where I'd end up.
And then I met Robert and his life plan was just so different from mine. It just... was never how I imagined my future, but I always thought all relationships were hard and required compromise. I liked the way he looked at the world. But I don't anymore.
I want to be brave. I'm so angry at the people who have hurt me. I'm trying to get through this the best I know how. Divorce is hard for everyone. But aren't I allowed to cry? I feel like if you tell someone your boyfriend dumped you and you cry and eat ice cream everyone is sympathetic. But if you tell people you're gettea divorce because your husband's gay everyone like... oh that's cool. ????? And if I cry and feel sad about it they're like.... get over it. It's not like you were together for a decade and had a child together.
I tried to understand him and be supportive of his life choices, even when he was suicidal and doing drugs. I was scared everyday that I would never hear from him again. But why did he have to... drug me? Why did he do it? Does he really believe the things he's saying? I'm just trying to go back to who I was before I met him. He clearly doesn't and has never liked that person. Ten years of being told to be quiet and, for lack of a better term, "bitch you missed a spot" was too much for me. I'll never be the roommate he wanted. He said himself when we were breaking up I was like a piece of art in his home. Literally, literally objectifying me and not even sexually. I know I have said hurtful things to him too. I asked him if he wanted relationship counselling and he said no. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said yes. We agreed on a custody arrangement that he never followed. And then, on a whim, takes May from me and has me drugged. Because he can. It's sick.
I want to run away. I miss my little girl so much. I'm trying to count my blessings, honestly, but I don't know why I live here anymore. If my daughter isn't even in the city, why am I? I don't know how to move forward and nobody is willing to help me. I saw some books about getting through the grief of divorce at the library. Will I be mourning this forever?
It's scary to me what people will do for money. I just want to be with likeminded people, people I trust. It's hard to know who to trust, tbh. Friende that I thought were loyal turned on me for a dime. It's really sad.
I don't know how to not be myself. I don't know how to not be me. I'm happy with who I am. I'm so much happier inside than I ever was in high school. Why can't people see that? It pissed me off when my friends, who never studied psychology, pretend to be experts on the subject. They don't understand what a healthy psychology is, or ethical issues surrounding psychotherapy. And they don't take the time to listen. So why bother?
I don't hate everything. I'm trying to be patient and hopeful. I'm trying to have faith that my daughter will be reunited with me. There's no way CAS would deem me an unfit parent, that doesn't even make sense. Robert is pretending that I've been diagnosed with things I was never diagnosed with, and he's pretending he has access to my mental health records and, futhermore, he pretends he understands the psychiatrists better than I do. I don't know what he's playing at. Is he doing it for money, for prestige? Does it make him feel important to publicly denounce me and pretend like he understands diagnostic criteria?
I'm finding solace in comedy, in prayer a little bit admittedly, although I do feel somewhat... I don't want to say lonesome, just... directionless. It's hard to love a city that drugs you for money. But, on the other hand, all I have it my Circle of Control. All I care about in a way is Toronto. I care a lot about, dare I say it, the government is trying to accomplish. I'm just not terribly happy about being the poster girl of institutional abuse. It sickens me to think about how many drug murders have probably happened within the walls of CAMH. The legal torture and extensive human rights violations are harrowing. And to think that Meaghan Jones would happily violate my human rights. How could her mind get so twisted around the wrong priorities? From whom was she taking orders? Did they really think that I, Angie, was the biggest threat to society, a high priority case to be taken in and drugged? The streets aren't safe with sober Angie running amok.
Anyway, I feel like I'm repeating myself. I've been writing basically the same things in my diary... I just felt like typing it up, I guess. It's hard to not feel the constant threat of being drugged and incarcerated. I want to be brave but I don't think it's out of sorts to say I'm relatively traumatized by the experience. For something so horrendous to happen in Canada, in Toronto, in my field. How many people have been murdered by doctors and nurses within the walls of CAMH? How many people committed suicide after being locked up for weeks, months on end, never allowed outside? How many people were given psychotropic medication for low blood sugar? How many doctors weren't called for headaches, stomachaches, seizures. Never once was I checked for low blood sugar or a brain tumour. To prescribe medicine without doing a classic physical is outrageous.
How can I ever find out the answers to the questions I seek. How can I ever be sure that justice is done. What is justice? How can I ever feel.... is retribution the right word?
Anyway, more later. Unless someone gets bored and calls me in.
Angie
I think I miss times in my life where I had things on the internet that I felt connected to. It was a big part of growing up... I always surfed children's sites, I always had something fun to check on the computer.
I guess other children went apple picking.
Plus maybe I'm bored cause Robert's gone.
Nostalgiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadfkadsgfkdjagdfsjkadsg
Annoying.
WHY DO I DO THIS.
I don't have to. Oh yeah.
--------
Wow, I logged into livejournal for the first time in years and found the saved draft above. So weird. I didn't even know I livejournaled at any point when I was with Robert. I definitely have been reminiscing about my old childhood online friends, though..... >_@;
I'm not sure what brought me to LJ today. I was thinking of starting a blog but it seems weird to start a new one when I can still login to ye ol' trustee.
Aaaanyway. Life is.......... okay. I mean. I don't know what to say. When I was young I used to dream about being 30. I used to imagine having a job and a room of my own, not to make a weird comparison but like Anne on Buffy. I just... that's what I used to imagine for my future. Even Anne's storyline in Angel... minus the non-spoiler illegal parts... I sort of thought that's where I'd end up.
And then I met Robert and his life plan was just so different from mine. It just... was never how I imagined my future, but I always thought all relationships were hard and required compromise. I liked the way he looked at the world. But I don't anymore.
I want to be brave. I'm so angry at the people who have hurt me. I'm trying to get through this the best I know how. Divorce is hard for everyone. But aren't I allowed to cry? I feel like if you tell someone your boyfriend dumped you and you cry and eat ice cream everyone is sympathetic. But if you tell people you're gettea divorce because your husband's gay everyone like... oh that's cool. ????? And if I cry and feel sad about it they're like.... get over it. It's not like you were together for a decade and had a child together.
I tried to understand him and be supportive of his life choices, even when he was suicidal and doing drugs. I was scared everyday that I would never hear from him again. But why did he have to... drug me? Why did he do it? Does he really believe the things he's saying? I'm just trying to go back to who I was before I met him. He clearly doesn't and has never liked that person. Ten years of being told to be quiet and, for lack of a better term, "bitch you missed a spot" was too much for me. I'll never be the roommate he wanted. He said himself when we were breaking up I was like a piece of art in his home. Literally, literally objectifying me and not even sexually. I know I have said hurtful things to him too. I asked him if he wanted relationship counselling and he said no. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said yes. We agreed on a custody arrangement that he never followed. And then, on a whim, takes May from me and has me drugged. Because he can. It's sick.
I want to run away. I miss my little girl so much. I'm trying to count my blessings, honestly, but I don't know why I live here anymore. If my daughter isn't even in the city, why am I? I don't know how to move forward and nobody is willing to help me. I saw some books about getting through the grief of divorce at the library. Will I be mourning this forever?
It's scary to me what people will do for money. I just want to be with likeminded people, people I trust. It's hard to know who to trust, tbh. Friende that I thought were loyal turned on me for a dime. It's really sad.
I don't know how to not be myself. I don't know how to not be me. I'm happy with who I am. I'm so much happier inside than I ever was in high school. Why can't people see that? It pissed me off when my friends, who never studied psychology, pretend to be experts on the subject. They don't understand what a healthy psychology is, or ethical issues surrounding psychotherapy. And they don't take the time to listen. So why bother?
I don't hate everything. I'm trying to be patient and hopeful. I'm trying to have faith that my daughter will be reunited with me. There's no way CAS would deem me an unfit parent, that doesn't even make sense. Robert is pretending that I've been diagnosed with things I was never diagnosed with, and he's pretending he has access to my mental health records and, futhermore, he pretends he understands the psychiatrists better than I do. I don't know what he's playing at. Is he doing it for money, for prestige? Does it make him feel important to publicly denounce me and pretend like he understands diagnostic criteria?
I'm finding solace in comedy, in prayer a little bit admittedly, although I do feel somewhat... I don't want to say lonesome, just... directionless. It's hard to love a city that drugs you for money. But, on the other hand, all I have it my Circle of Control. All I care about in a way is Toronto. I care a lot about, dare I say it, the government is trying to accomplish. I'm just not terribly happy about being the poster girl of institutional abuse. It sickens me to think about how many drug murders have probably happened within the walls of CAMH. The legal torture and extensive human rights violations are harrowing. And to think that Meaghan Jones would happily violate my human rights. How could her mind get so twisted around the wrong priorities? From whom was she taking orders? Did they really think that I, Angie, was the biggest threat to society, a high priority case to be taken in and drugged? The streets aren't safe with sober Angie running amok.
Anyway, I feel like I'm repeating myself. I've been writing basically the same things in my diary... I just felt like typing it up, I guess. It's hard to not feel the constant threat of being drugged and incarcerated. I want to be brave but I don't think it's out of sorts to say I'm relatively traumatized by the experience. For something so horrendous to happen in Canada, in Toronto, in my field. How many people have been murdered by doctors and nurses within the walls of CAMH? How many people committed suicide after being locked up for weeks, months on end, never allowed outside? How many people were given psychotropic medication for low blood sugar? How many doctors weren't called for headaches, stomachaches, seizures. Never once was I checked for low blood sugar or a brain tumour. To prescribe medicine without doing a classic physical is outrageous.
How can I ever find out the answers to the questions I seek. How can I ever be sure that justice is done. What is justice? How can I ever feel.... is retribution the right word?
Anyway, more later. Unless someone gets bored and calls me in.
Angie