(no subject)
so it's been a while since i posted.
i was sitting on my couch listening to music, when a fine frenzy's "last of days" came on. "I watched you disappear into the clouds / Swept away into another town / The world carries on without you / But nothing remains the same."
oh. i'm just not even sure what to write. i miss her terribly which i can't help but feel is hypocritical b/c we weren't close at all when she left. the anniversary of her death has come and gone and i didn't remember. Jan 22 2007. however, i do keep a picture of her clipped to the lampshade by my bed in memorial. i did some retroactive googling and supposedly she attempted suicide in high school as well. i had no idea. the demons that people keep hidden in their hearts is so heartbreaking. we were really close during the first three years of school but just grew apart after that and never closer again. all i remember of her are vignettes...like faces that she would draw on my notes while we sat in class together, her being in robotics club, taking history together, lying on her bed and chatting about random things, sitting on the swings in her backyard. i'm not sure how i should remember her. what do people do with death? it's so final and so resolute in its actions. it has no soul to feel compassion, no mind to feel pity. but, maybe, it was merciful for her to die since she was so unhappy. that being said, i would prefer life for her but is that my own selfishness? forcing someone to live in a world that they no longer feel welcome in. i would be lying if i didn't say i never had dark thoughts; i think it would be hard to be as much of a perfectionist as i am and in as high stress of a position as i am without such...but there are always friends to fall upon. and it seemed like she had none. and i don't know if i can or should forgive myself for not being there in her time of need. or whether it's something that i need to even be forgiven for. i'm just..not sure. whatever the case, i wish that she's in a happier place now..whatever death may bring. rest in peace and may your sorrow be lifted.
i was sitting on my couch listening to music, when a fine frenzy's "last of days" came on. "I watched you disappear into the clouds / Swept away into another town / The world carries on without you / But nothing remains the same."
oh. i'm just not even sure what to write. i miss her terribly which i can't help but feel is hypocritical b/c we weren't close at all when she left. the anniversary of her death has come and gone and i didn't remember. Jan 22 2007. however, i do keep a picture of her clipped to the lampshade by my bed in memorial. i did some retroactive googling and supposedly she attempted suicide in high school as well. i had no idea. the demons that people keep hidden in their hearts is so heartbreaking. we were really close during the first three years of school but just grew apart after that and never closer again. all i remember of her are vignettes...like faces that she would draw on my notes while we sat in class together, her being in robotics club, taking history together, lying on her bed and chatting about random things, sitting on the swings in her backyard. i'm not sure how i should remember her. what do people do with death? it's so final and so resolute in its actions. it has no soul to feel compassion, no mind to feel pity. but, maybe, it was merciful for her to die since she was so unhappy. that being said, i would prefer life for her but is that my own selfishness? forcing someone to live in a world that they no longer feel welcome in. i would be lying if i didn't say i never had dark thoughts; i think it would be hard to be as much of a perfectionist as i am and in as high stress of a position as i am without such...but there are always friends to fall upon. and it seemed like she had none. and i don't know if i can or should forgive myself for not being there in her time of need. or whether it's something that i need to even be forgiven for. i'm just..not sure. whatever the case, i wish that she's in a happier place now..whatever death may bring. rest in peace and may your sorrow be lifted.