Freedom! What an Exhilarating Feeling!

[glory_us_angel]

So, as most of you who read my blog already know, I've been going through a difficult period.  After the awfulness that was the weekend before this last weekend, I've finally said enough is enough.  My heart can't take it anymore.  I need a break from caring about men.  A break from being concerned about what I may be doing wrong.  I need to focus on myself, because it's obvious I'm not finding anyone else who does (friends excluded in this, of course).  A few blogs ago I made mention of regretting ruining a couple of relationships.  I no longer regret my actions, because I realize now what I was trying to do for myself.  Those relationships that are no longer are relationships with men I was emotionally attached to in one form or another.  I needed to let go of all of those attachments in order to start living for no one but myself.  As long as they existed, I couldn't be free.  And after cutting the last ties with those men, I realized a wonderful sense of freedom that I've never felt in all of my life.  For the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm happy to be single.  I WANT to be single.  I don't want men coming into my life making me unhappy.  I've never met a man that made me happy, so what's to keep me thinking that I ever will?  I've been disappointed and let down far to many times to believe in men right now.  Perhaps I'm being overly harsh, but I know what I expect...and I know it's possible because I see how my father is.  I think men of my generation don't know how to treat women, though.  I'm sure there are several different reasons for this, and maybe as we grow older the men around my age will begin to see things differently and treat women better.  Only time will tell, I suppose.  But for now, I'm just happy to be me without anyone else.  I've held this point of view since about mid-week last week...but because it was such a new feeling, I didn't want to say anything.  I still had concerns about "feeling like I might be missing something if I turn a guy down."  Today I was tested in this matter, and passed with flying colors!  Another co-worker of mine asked if I didn't mind going on a date with a friend of her boyfriend.  I looked at her and told her that while I was willing to meet him under the understanding of friendship, I was not willing to be "setup" with him or any other man.  I wanted it to be understood that I didn't want a relationship so as not to have any possible confussion.  I was so excited that I was able to say this without feeling a moment's hesitation!  I think I may have finally found the inner peace I've so desperately been craving!  I'm looking forward to this newfound happiness in ways I couldn't begin to describe.

In other news, for those of you who remember Filmore, his wife gave birth to their little girl last night (she was technically born today, but it was at like 1am in the morning).  Her name is Kaede (pronounced Kah-eh-deh) and she is absolutely beautiful!  I'm so happy for him and his wife.  I know they'll make great parents to little Kaede.  It's hard to believe he's a dad and married when he's a month younger than myself.  Man...I'm feeling old.