the pain of a severed limb
i have been up half the night and stressed out beyond belief so the tention headache i have at he moment is monumentous.
Paul and I came to an agreement some time back that we would no longer spend money on porn. i is just too damn expensive and with a baby on the way (a week from today) we really can't afford to be spending money on something we really don't *need*. and we were both fine with that. then i find out he was buying more behind my back and the shit hit the fan. i came very close to leaving him. not because of the content.. because of the money. hey i like my girl on girl as much as the next guy ;} so we calmed down. i told him i no longer trusted him and it would be awile before i did again....... few months later he admits to me that he kept one video (he trashed everything else) and had been hiding it from me. i asked him "what do you think would have happened if i had found that tape while you were gone?" and he said he knew the shit would hit the fan again and i might leave him. i asked him if it was worth it to him to hide things from me.. uhh no.
so cut to two nights ago. we were talking about him going with friends out for drinks. he asked me if i would be okay with that and i turned to him and said "no" he asked why " i can't trust you" he has a history of going out with friends and doing stupid shit. and he needs to get it through his thick skull that he is a husband and father now. his "getting drunk and stupid" days are behind him. well he gets indignant and goes to bed mad. and wakes up mad. and i felt like a horrid bitch for making the man i love go to sleep mad. so i spent the early morning thinking about how to mend this bridge and talk about my issues and trust with him when he got home. well the aforementioned tape had gone missing at the begining of feb. one day it was somewhere where i could watch it too and the next it was gone. when i asked about it he said "i put it away". i let it go. well our darling son pulls out the bottom drawer of Pauls nightstand yesterday (pulls it all the way out and onto his toes.. big disasster) and under the drawer on the carpet i see the tape...and lying next to it.... a DVD. needless to say i was LIVID!!!!!!! i moved Everything of mine out of our room and bathroom, took dawn every picture of us together and scratched "Lying bastard" into the DVD (okay i admit the last bit was childish but it was that or kill him.. so i went with destruction). well so now i get to go to a Dr.s appointment and play happy with my grandmother and wait for him to meet me at the Dr. he never showed............. at 5:30 (my appointment was at 3:30) he finaly calls my grandmothers cell.... "is Tabitha with you?" i asked her how he sounded and she said worried. i know he thought i was gone for good. so i get home and he wants to talk. and yet he never comes out with "i am the biggest fuck up known to man" he always askes "what's wrong?" so i told him. you cannnot continue to do this to me. i won't be in a relationship with someone i can't trust. so there was much debate and me admiting that the only reason i came home was there was no where to go. hwere the hell am i going to go a week away from having a baby and on bed rest?!? he tells me every single god damn thing that he said last time. WTF? why should i believe that? and when i asked him "Why? Why did you hide it from me?" he says " i wasn't hiding it from you i was hiding it from the boy." YEAH RIGHT! is that why the video vannished at the same time he bought the damn DVD? why not put them both where the video was kept. that is my biggest problem right now. i can't stand being lied to. especialy by the one person who isn't supposed to hurt me. i laid it out for him. he pulls this crap again and thrid times the charm.. i'm gone. i'd rather die than leave him but i can't live with someone i can't trust. that has always been my biggest issue. i have had little to no reason to trust anyone else i have been with but god damnit i should be able to trust my own husband. when he gets home i plan on talking to him more about this. i still want my question answered.. i asked him. "you said you thhought that trust is the most improtant thing in a relationship. what happens when there is no trust?" don't get me wrong, i still trust him with stuff.. my life, my children, my well being. it's my heart i have a problem with. *SIGH* well i suppose time shall tell. and i believe in my heart that we will live through this. he jsut needs to grow up. and maybe he will next week. he hasn't had any real responsibilty until we moved in together. now he has bills and children to think of and i think he still has trouble coming to grips with that.. well tuff shit. this be the real world, and if he can't handle that... well we'll talk tonight and see what's what.
Paul and I came to an agreement some time back that we would no longer spend money on porn. i is just too damn expensive and with a baby on the way (a week from today) we really can't afford to be spending money on something we really don't *need*. and we were both fine with that. then i find out he was buying more behind my back and the shit hit the fan. i came very close to leaving him. not because of the content.. because of the money. hey i like my girl on girl as much as the next guy ;} so we calmed down. i told him i no longer trusted him and it would be awile before i did again....... few months later he admits to me that he kept one video (he trashed everything else) and had been hiding it from me. i asked him "what do you think would have happened if i had found that tape while you were gone?" and he said he knew the shit would hit the fan again and i might leave him. i asked him if it was worth it to him to hide things from me.. uhh no.
so cut to two nights ago. we were talking about him going with friends out for drinks. he asked me if i would be okay with that and i turned to him and said "no" he asked why " i can't trust you" he has a history of going out with friends and doing stupid shit. and he needs to get it through his thick skull that he is a husband and father now. his "getting drunk and stupid" days are behind him. well he gets indignant and goes to bed mad. and wakes up mad. and i felt like a horrid bitch for making the man i love go to sleep mad. so i spent the early morning thinking about how to mend this bridge and talk about my issues and trust with him when he got home. well the aforementioned tape had gone missing at the begining of feb. one day it was somewhere where i could watch it too and the next it was gone. when i asked about it he said "i put it away". i let it go. well our darling son pulls out the bottom drawer of Pauls nightstand yesterday (pulls it all the way out and onto his toes.. big disasster) and under the drawer on the carpet i see the tape...and lying next to it.... a DVD. needless to say i was LIVID!!!!!!! i moved Everything of mine out of our room and bathroom, took dawn every picture of us together and scratched "Lying bastard" into the DVD (okay i admit the last bit was childish but it was that or kill him.. so i went with destruction). well so now i get to go to a Dr.s appointment and play happy with my grandmother and wait for him to meet me at the Dr. he never showed............. at 5:30 (my appointment was at 3:30) he finaly calls my grandmothers cell.... "is Tabitha with you?" i asked her how he sounded and she said worried. i know he thought i was gone for good. so i get home and he wants to talk. and yet he never comes out with "i am the biggest fuck up known to man" he always askes "what's wrong?" so i told him. you cannnot continue to do this to me. i won't be in a relationship with someone i can't trust. so there was much debate and me admiting that the only reason i came home was there was no where to go. hwere the hell am i going to go a week away from having a baby and on bed rest?!? he tells me every single god damn thing that he said last time. WTF? why should i believe that? and when i asked him "Why? Why did you hide it from me?" he says " i wasn't hiding it from you i was hiding it from the boy." YEAH RIGHT! is that why the video vannished at the same time he bought the damn DVD? why not put them both where the video was kept. that is my biggest problem right now. i can't stand being lied to. especialy by the one person who isn't supposed to hurt me. i laid it out for him. he pulls this crap again and thrid times the charm.. i'm gone. i'd rather die than leave him but i can't live with someone i can't trust. that has always been my biggest issue. i have had little to no reason to trust anyone else i have been with but god damnit i should be able to trust my own husband. when he gets home i plan on talking to him more about this. i still want my question answered.. i asked him. "you said you thhought that trust is the most improtant thing in a relationship. what happens when there is no trust?" don't get me wrong, i still trust him with stuff.. my life, my children, my well being. it's my heart i have a problem with. *SIGH* well i suppose time shall tell. and i believe in my heart that we will live through this. he jsut needs to grow up. and maybe he will next week. he hasn't had any real responsibilty until we moved in together. now he has bills and children to think of and i think he still has trouble coming to grips with that.. well tuff shit. this be the real world, and if he can't handle that... well we'll talk tonight and see what's what.