KANGTEUKWON: LISTENING
title: listening
paring: ee teuk x kang in x shi won
rating: r for character death
note: it's really choppy because it was basically a free write- something i did on a whim. so anything that may look weird, i'm sorry. the tenses may look off but they're written correctly as far as the story goes
ee teuk saw things like butterflies and rattlesnakes, he saw them under his eye lids, then looked under his bed to make sure they weren't there. he rolled over and closed his eyes again, listening- listening to kang in's snoring and the ticking of the clock beside his bed. he listened to the wind and the way the bed moved under the weight of all of those rattlesnakes and butterflies. they were so heavy, ee teuk thought, sitting up straight and listening. so heavy.
he told kang in about the rattlesnakes and butterflies one night when he was sure kang in was asleep because he listened for the heavy breathing, but kang in wasn't asleep.
"you're crazy, hyung." he grunted, wrapping his arms around ee teuk carefully. "rattlesnakes and butterflies? they wouldn't stay under my bed, crazy." ee teuk listened, nodding to himself.
ee teuk screamed into a shoe box to trap his thoughts and put the lid back on it after doing so, trapping them in the box so they couldn't breathe and they would die, then carefully slid it into the closet. the thoughts were blocking his ears. he needed to hear. he needed to listen. he decided that when he found the rattlesnakes and butterflies he would put them in the shoe box too, carefully. very carefully.
shi won was so nice to ee teuk, he thought, feeling the hand smoothing over his back as he sat in the middle of the floor, watching as the fan spun around. it was loud. everything was too loud. he couldn't sleep because it was so loud. he had to listen- no one else was listening so he had to listen for them. the hand moved around his waist and pulled him in, then another hand joined and pulled ee teuk onto a warm lap, arms around his waist carefully, so carefully.
"want to come with me? i'm going to china to film for a little while- you could rest in the hotel room and then we can go shopping, don't you want to go shopping, hyung?"
"i have to listen." ee teuk said sternly and shi won's fingers crept up to his hair, slowly pushing it away from his face, then he silently reached over and turned the fan off.
"what happens when there's nothing to listen to?"
"then i die."
ee teuk misses shi won, drawing circles on the wall and mouthing words that he hopes only shi won can hear. he calls shi won and tells him that kang in threw out all of his shoe boxes- filled with his thoughts and rattlesnakes- but not butterflies because butterflies go too high and they're so fast. shi won said that he would be home soon but that was fifteen minutes and eighteen seconds ago. ee teuk draws another circle on the wall, dragging his fingertip across the cold surface and he listens for the quiet knocking on the door or the quiet footsteps in the hallway.
kang in drags ee teuk away from the wall after the fourth day. ee teuk wants to put himself in a shoe box so he can stop breathing and die but all of his shoe boxes are gone. he hates kang in and the way kang in holds him like he has to- like it's a chore. shi won never did that.
shi won is talking to him but he can't hear and he screams, he screams at shi won to be louder and he can see the strain in shi won's voice but he can't hear it. he can't listen. ee teuk wakes in a sobbing mess underneath the bed, finding comfort in the butterflies that hover above his head. his white t-shirt is plastered to his chest in a cold sweat and he can hear kang in above him.
i can't do this anymore shi won, i can't. you need to come home. you need to fix it.
he knows that kang in hates him now. kang in threw out his boxes and ruined his counting down until shi won would be coming back. kang in shoves spoons in his mouth and screams when he drops things or forgets things. kang in hates him so much.
kang in stares at ee teuk as the other quietly takes a bath. he's been in the tub for a good three hours now, shivering to his bones in a pair of soaked blue boxers.
"how long have you been sitting here?" he asks and ee teuk stares straight ahead, digging his fingernails into the skin of his own shoulders until he bleeds.
kang in doesn't know what to do. he doesn't know how to help.
shi won brings ee teuk back a purple teddy bear with a blue baseball cap on its head. he slowly opens the closet door, crawling in alongside the cowering boy.
"i'm home." he whispers and ee teuk moves over, laying his head in shi won's lap and taking the bear into his hands very carefully.
"my ears don't like to listen anymore, but they have to."
"teukie hyung, do you want to come lay with me in my apartment? i can tell you all about china- it'll be nice and quiet."
"kang in hates me and i hate him too."
"you don't hate him. he loves you, ee teuk. he is your boyfriend."
"his eyes say that he hates me. they tell me that he does."
kang in listens from outside of the closet door, tears rolling down his cheeks. he doesn't know how to help.
they find ee teuk on the floor, gasping for air and staring out of the window with wide eyes.
shi won quietly walks with kang in outside of the room, putting his hand on the older man's shoulder and swallowing quietly.
"maybe we should tell manager hyung- the others are starting to notice... he's not well, kang in."
they hear the window open and fling the door open in just enough time to see ee teuk jumping out, tumbling and free falling, hitting the pavement below without a sound.
after the funeral they all gather in the room that ee teuk stayed in and shi won carefully opens a shoe box that was hidden beneath ee teuk's pillow case, reading the words on a scrap sheet of paper that were written angrily.
"i wanted to listen but i couldn't hear.
i wanted shi won to listen but he wouldn't hear.
kang in listened but he did not hear.
you listened and you heard-"
he pauses, tears rolling down his cheek and kang in sits beside him, slowly taking the peice of paper and holding on to shi won's hand tightly.
"i don't want to live or die, i just want to listen.
i just want to feel.
i just want shi won to stay and kang in to love me.
i'm too much work. i'm lost and i can't be found.
broken and can't be replaced.
i want to go somewhere where i don't have to listen.
i want the rattlesnakes to come too.
i hope one day shi won and kang in will come with the butterflies.
they won't have to listen either.
no one will.
when i fall i want to feel."
+++++++++++++
"i like the way pavement feels." ee teuk took notice of this as he walked alongside kang in, stepping over the cracks and laughing. "do you think people can hear you when you fall? do you think they listen?"
"shut up, you're crazy."
"yeah."
"i love you."
ee teuk laughed and scattered around like the leaves in the fall.
shi won caught him, pulling ee teuk into an embrace and whispering into his hair.
"close your eyes and tell me what you see."
"i can't see anything but i can hear your heart."
"what do you feel?"
"i'm just listening, i can't feel anything."
paring: ee teuk x kang in x shi won
rating: r for character death
note: it's really choppy because it was basically a free write- something i did on a whim. so anything that may look weird, i'm sorry. the tenses may look off but they're written correctly as far as the story goes
ee teuk saw things like butterflies and rattlesnakes, he saw them under his eye lids, then looked under his bed to make sure they weren't there. he rolled over and closed his eyes again, listening- listening to kang in's snoring and the ticking of the clock beside his bed. he listened to the wind and the way the bed moved under the weight of all of those rattlesnakes and butterflies. they were so heavy, ee teuk thought, sitting up straight and listening. so heavy.
he told kang in about the rattlesnakes and butterflies one night when he was sure kang in was asleep because he listened for the heavy breathing, but kang in wasn't asleep.
"you're crazy, hyung." he grunted, wrapping his arms around ee teuk carefully. "rattlesnakes and butterflies? they wouldn't stay under my bed, crazy." ee teuk listened, nodding to himself.
ee teuk screamed into a shoe box to trap his thoughts and put the lid back on it after doing so, trapping them in the box so they couldn't breathe and they would die, then carefully slid it into the closet. the thoughts were blocking his ears. he needed to hear. he needed to listen. he decided that when he found the rattlesnakes and butterflies he would put them in the shoe box too, carefully. very carefully.
shi won was so nice to ee teuk, he thought, feeling the hand smoothing over his back as he sat in the middle of the floor, watching as the fan spun around. it was loud. everything was too loud. he couldn't sleep because it was so loud. he had to listen- no one else was listening so he had to listen for them. the hand moved around his waist and pulled him in, then another hand joined and pulled ee teuk onto a warm lap, arms around his waist carefully, so carefully.
"want to come with me? i'm going to china to film for a little while- you could rest in the hotel room and then we can go shopping, don't you want to go shopping, hyung?"
"i have to listen." ee teuk said sternly and shi won's fingers crept up to his hair, slowly pushing it away from his face, then he silently reached over and turned the fan off.
"what happens when there's nothing to listen to?"
"then i die."
ee teuk misses shi won, drawing circles on the wall and mouthing words that he hopes only shi won can hear. he calls shi won and tells him that kang in threw out all of his shoe boxes- filled with his thoughts and rattlesnakes- but not butterflies because butterflies go too high and they're so fast. shi won said that he would be home soon but that was fifteen minutes and eighteen seconds ago. ee teuk draws another circle on the wall, dragging his fingertip across the cold surface and he listens for the quiet knocking on the door or the quiet footsteps in the hallway.
kang in drags ee teuk away from the wall after the fourth day. ee teuk wants to put himself in a shoe box so he can stop breathing and die but all of his shoe boxes are gone. he hates kang in and the way kang in holds him like he has to- like it's a chore. shi won never did that.
shi won is talking to him but he can't hear and he screams, he screams at shi won to be louder and he can see the strain in shi won's voice but he can't hear it. he can't listen. ee teuk wakes in a sobbing mess underneath the bed, finding comfort in the butterflies that hover above his head. his white t-shirt is plastered to his chest in a cold sweat and he can hear kang in above him.
i can't do this anymore shi won, i can't. you need to come home. you need to fix it.
he knows that kang in hates him now. kang in threw out his boxes and ruined his counting down until shi won would be coming back. kang in shoves spoons in his mouth and screams when he drops things or forgets things. kang in hates him so much.
kang in stares at ee teuk as the other quietly takes a bath. he's been in the tub for a good three hours now, shivering to his bones in a pair of soaked blue boxers.
"how long have you been sitting here?" he asks and ee teuk stares straight ahead, digging his fingernails into the skin of his own shoulders until he bleeds.
kang in doesn't know what to do. he doesn't know how to help.
shi won brings ee teuk back a purple teddy bear with a blue baseball cap on its head. he slowly opens the closet door, crawling in alongside the cowering boy.
"i'm home." he whispers and ee teuk moves over, laying his head in shi won's lap and taking the bear into his hands very carefully.
"my ears don't like to listen anymore, but they have to."
"teukie hyung, do you want to come lay with me in my apartment? i can tell you all about china- it'll be nice and quiet."
"kang in hates me and i hate him too."
"you don't hate him. he loves you, ee teuk. he is your boyfriend."
"his eyes say that he hates me. they tell me that he does."
kang in listens from outside of the closet door, tears rolling down his cheeks. he doesn't know how to help.
they find ee teuk on the floor, gasping for air and staring out of the window with wide eyes.
shi won quietly walks with kang in outside of the room, putting his hand on the older man's shoulder and swallowing quietly.
"maybe we should tell manager hyung- the others are starting to notice... he's not well, kang in."
they hear the window open and fling the door open in just enough time to see ee teuk jumping out, tumbling and free falling, hitting the pavement below without a sound.
after the funeral they all gather in the room that ee teuk stayed in and shi won carefully opens a shoe box that was hidden beneath ee teuk's pillow case, reading the words on a scrap sheet of paper that were written angrily.
"i wanted to listen but i couldn't hear.
i wanted shi won to listen but he wouldn't hear.
kang in listened but he did not hear.
you listened and you heard-"
he pauses, tears rolling down his cheek and kang in sits beside him, slowly taking the peice of paper and holding on to shi won's hand tightly.
"i don't want to live or die, i just want to listen.
i just want to feel.
i just want shi won to stay and kang in to love me.
i'm too much work. i'm lost and i can't be found.
broken and can't be replaced.
i want to go somewhere where i don't have to listen.
i want the rattlesnakes to come too.
i hope one day shi won and kang in will come with the butterflies.
they won't have to listen either.
no one will.
when i fall i want to feel."
+++++++++++++
"i like the way pavement feels." ee teuk took notice of this as he walked alongside kang in, stepping over the cracks and laughing. "do you think people can hear you when you fall? do you think they listen?"
"shut up, you're crazy."
"yeah."
"i love you."
ee teuk laughed and scattered around like the leaves in the fall.
shi won caught him, pulling ee teuk into an embrace and whispering into his hair.
"close your eyes and tell me what you see."
"i can't see anything but i can hear your heart."
"what do you feel?"
"i'm just listening, i can't feel anything."