(no subject)
Well, this is my first Livejournal post in just over one year.
Here goes.
This morning I woke up and had some email, which I promptly checked. Surprisingly enough, one of them was an email regarding a comment left on a livejournal post I wrote a very long time ago. It was from "an anonymous Christian girl." I have no idea who it is. I would, however, like to know how this girl came to read that specific entry. It's right in the middle of the whole bunch, close to my 18th birthday. I wonder what kind of circumstances would lead a person to my journal anyway. If I knew her personally, she probably would have posted that comment around the time I tacked up the entry.
Then it struck me why I had kept that journal in the first place. It wasn't so that other people could read it or post comments. It was so that I would someday go back to see what kind of person I used to be. I don't care what people say. People do change. I mean, sure, the core personality is still very similar, but I almost feel like I'm reading what somebody else wrote. I've changed, for better or for worse. There are two things that are still the same, though. I'm still confused, and I still feel lonely at night. One bit of confusion seems to be clearing up: I once believed that I was a jack of all trades. I now realize that I'm only a 4 of clubs in a few select areas, but at least I know where I want to get better. I want to speak Japanese, and my major will help me do that. As far as occupational application goes, I have plenty of options, all of which are appealing in their own ways.
I have no idea if I'll post any more entries after tonight, but tonight I did. Perhaps I should check in once every so often. Maybe seeing my life in retrospect will put it in better perspective.
One little fact I have discovered about myself: As of right now, I'm probably going to Hell. I cannot for the life of me become an atheist. Atheism doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Christianity makes the most sense of all the religions surveyed up to this point. How does it go? Even the demons believe in Yahweh but still suffer eternal damnation, or something like that. Knowing Yahweh exists doesn't get me into heaven, and yet I cannot convince myself to actually follow God's Will for my life, even though I think I know what it is. I just don't want to do it, simple as that. I've almost come to terms with the fact that this decision makes no logical sense and that I'm one big huge hypocrite. I mean... if somebody is a true Christian, good for him. I applaud him. If someone is not a Christian, I recommend that he go get baptized and start trying to be a true Christian. I don't want other people to go to Hell, that would just be selfish.
Bah... I'm blabberin' on just like I used to. I guess that part hasn't changed one bit.
Here goes.
This morning I woke up and had some email, which I promptly checked. Surprisingly enough, one of them was an email regarding a comment left on a livejournal post I wrote a very long time ago. It was from "an anonymous Christian girl." I have no idea who it is. I would, however, like to know how this girl came to read that specific entry. It's right in the middle of the whole bunch, close to my 18th birthday. I wonder what kind of circumstances would lead a person to my journal anyway. If I knew her personally, she probably would have posted that comment around the time I tacked up the entry.
Then it struck me why I had kept that journal in the first place. It wasn't so that other people could read it or post comments. It was so that I would someday go back to see what kind of person I used to be. I don't care what people say. People do change. I mean, sure, the core personality is still very similar, but I almost feel like I'm reading what somebody else wrote. I've changed, for better or for worse. There are two things that are still the same, though. I'm still confused, and I still feel lonely at night. One bit of confusion seems to be clearing up: I once believed that I was a jack of all trades. I now realize that I'm only a 4 of clubs in a few select areas, but at least I know where I want to get better. I want to speak Japanese, and my major will help me do that. As far as occupational application goes, I have plenty of options, all of which are appealing in their own ways.
I have no idea if I'll post any more entries after tonight, but tonight I did. Perhaps I should check in once every so often. Maybe seeing my life in retrospect will put it in better perspective.
One little fact I have discovered about myself: As of right now, I'm probably going to Hell. I cannot for the life of me become an atheist. Atheism doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Christianity makes the most sense of all the religions surveyed up to this point. How does it go? Even the demons believe in Yahweh but still suffer eternal damnation, or something like that. Knowing Yahweh exists doesn't get me into heaven, and yet I cannot convince myself to actually follow God's Will for my life, even though I think I know what it is. I just don't want to do it, simple as that. I've almost come to terms with the fact that this decision makes no logical sense and that I'm one big huge hypocrite. I mean... if somebody is a true Christian, good for him. I applaud him. If someone is not a Christian, I recommend that he go get baptized and start trying to be a true Christian. I don't want other people to go to Hell, that would just be selfish.
Bah... I'm blabberin' on just like I used to. I guess that part hasn't changed one bit.