Been away for awhile
The whole god damn internet has changed since last time I wrote in this thing regularly. I don't like it. Everything has gone and changed and left me beind. I miss time before social networks really took over when the web still had a slightly untame feeling to it.
I'd like to start filling this journal with bullshit again, even if it's just a couple of sentences per entry. I was looking back at the first few entries I made in this and I was surprised by how little they bothered me. Usually when you think about yourself in the past you're supposed to shrivel up with embarressment, right? I thought that was supposed to happen anyway, but it didn't. So maybe my maturity has reverted to the level of a middle schooler or something, who knows. I'd like to think that my command of the english language is slightly better, but that's up for debate.
Sometimes I hate how much good music is out there. I just started listening to By The Way for the first time in years and it frustrates me that I could forget about this album for so long. It disturbs me that a CD that I had on repeat for a significant chunk of my life could fade from my conciousness like that. It sort of feeds into bigger fears that I have about losing my personality to depression and fearfulness. I feel like a lot of who I am has been buried under a mountain of (self inflicted) emotional scarring, never to be unearthed again. I think since my emotions have been buried so deep for so long I never really had a chance to grow up. Not really, anyway. I mean I've learned stuff, like, book stuff, but I don't feel like I've really progressed as a person in a very very long time.
The way I cheer myself up when I wind up in a downward thought spiral like this is by telling myself that at this point my whole life is just bonus anyway. I've felt that way since I got out of the mental hospital when I was 18. Everything after you try to kill yourself is time you wouldn't have had. It requires some amount of mental gymnastics to stay that positive when you're still occasionally suicidal and you have all sorts of other issues, but I manage mostly.
I'm curious if anyone will see this. Maybe that anonymous jerk will come back and be a jerk for no reason. That'd be kinda nice in a way.
I'm super good at unecessary commas apparently.
I'd like to start filling this journal with bullshit again, even if it's just a couple of sentences per entry. I was looking back at the first few entries I made in this and I was surprised by how little they bothered me. Usually when you think about yourself in the past you're supposed to shrivel up with embarressment, right? I thought that was supposed to happen anyway, but it didn't. So maybe my maturity has reverted to the level of a middle schooler or something, who knows. I'd like to think that my command of the english language is slightly better, but that's up for debate.
Sometimes I hate how much good music is out there. I just started listening to By The Way for the first time in years and it frustrates me that I could forget about this album for so long. It disturbs me that a CD that I had on repeat for a significant chunk of my life could fade from my conciousness like that. It sort of feeds into bigger fears that I have about losing my personality to depression and fearfulness. I feel like a lot of who I am has been buried under a mountain of (self inflicted) emotional scarring, never to be unearthed again. I think since my emotions have been buried so deep for so long I never really had a chance to grow up. Not really, anyway. I mean I've learned stuff, like, book stuff, but I don't feel like I've really progressed as a person in a very very long time.
The way I cheer myself up when I wind up in a downward thought spiral like this is by telling myself that at this point my whole life is just bonus anyway. I've felt that way since I got out of the mental hospital when I was 18. Everything after you try to kill yourself is time you wouldn't have had. It requires some amount of mental gymnastics to stay that positive when you're still occasionally suicidal and you have all sorts of other issues, but I manage mostly.
I'm curious if anyone will see this. Maybe that anonymous jerk will come back and be a jerk for no reason. That'd be kinda nice in a way.
I'm super good at unecessary commas apparently.