Thoughts after a long time away.
I think at some point I made the decision to be interested in computer science because I knew that attempting to write would be the death of me. I feel that there really are stories worth telling bouncing around in my head somewhere, but the process of extracting those stories and putting them down on paper would destroy me utterly before I ever accomplished anything worth paying any attention to. It would be wrong to say that computer science is me settling, though. Really, I feel like it is a way to engage those parts of my brain that compel me to write in a much less detrimental way. I don't know what that says about who I am. Yet, on occasions like this night, I feel the need to express myself more directly. In a language that humans speak. It's been so long since I've written anything that this will inevitably be stilted and immature sounding, but I suppose that's just me.
I have realized in many ways that I have become a much happier, more functional human being as my social life has died away. So much of my experience in socializing with out people is intensely stressful and painful that I wind up dwelling on all the little faux pas I've committed and the negative reactions to them for days and days. Even now when I remember certain little embarrassments from *years* ago I feel a withering sensation start in the pit of my stomach and spread out leaving me feeling old and tired. It makes me bitter and ugly and jealous. I hate the person that is created by all the dwelling in the past that I've done. In the end I'd much prefer to make no attempt at being someone I am not. I am not a social creature. At least not in the ways that are expected of a person my age in this society. I enjoy knowing people and sharing in their lives, but not enough that I would want to do any thing with the sole intention of meeting new people. If I meet people as a side effect of some other activity I am taking part in then that's great, but I think that's the only way it works for me. This notion has been so thoroughly freeing to me in the past couple of months that I have found it affecting every aspect of my life. When I go to school I don't feel the need to introduce myself to my classmates. When I'm standing next to someone in line I don't feel the need to strike up a conversation just because it's quiet. I don't feel the need to not be the weird, anti-social kid that I've been for years and years and been pretending otherwise. I mean I'd like to at least be considered polite enough, but other than that I am essentially a cave monster. It's great.
When I've talked to people about stuff like this before I often wind up talking about regret. People tell me that I'm just afraid of socializing and it's causing me to live a life I might regret in the future. People talk about how we always regret the things we didn't do more than the things we tried and failed to do. I say that's bullshit. I can't remember 99% of the social gatherings I decided not to attend, but whenever I am reminded of on that I did I relive little bit and pieces of embarrassing memories in agonizing detail. Perhaps my brain just works differently, but I regret things that I *did* in my life far more than anything I decided to avoid. Also: Yes. I am afraid of certain forms of socializing. I'm also afraid of jumping out of a plane without a parachute, but I don't think either of those fears particularly need confrontation. If I sound defensive it's only because I've had this conversation with people a million times and I'm never able to express myself in a way that is satisfactory.
What I want is to return to a person I was a long time ago who appreciated people from afar instead of having a bunch of friends. I'd like it if I were mostly ignored. I would be a much less unhappy person, and probably generally more pleasant to be around. I know that I have become fairly prickly and I'm sad to have that be the way I interact with my friends. So here I am, trying to change things by writing them down. If writing truly is a destructive process for me perhaps this will be destroying the parts of me I want destroyed.
Of course I might always change my mind about everything in the morning.
I have realized in many ways that I have become a much happier, more functional human being as my social life has died away. So much of my experience in socializing with out people is intensely stressful and painful that I wind up dwelling on all the little faux pas I've committed and the negative reactions to them for days and days. Even now when I remember certain little embarrassments from *years* ago I feel a withering sensation start in the pit of my stomach and spread out leaving me feeling old and tired. It makes me bitter and ugly and jealous. I hate the person that is created by all the dwelling in the past that I've done. In the end I'd much prefer to make no attempt at being someone I am not. I am not a social creature. At least not in the ways that are expected of a person my age in this society. I enjoy knowing people and sharing in their lives, but not enough that I would want to do any thing with the sole intention of meeting new people. If I meet people as a side effect of some other activity I am taking part in then that's great, but I think that's the only way it works for me. This notion has been so thoroughly freeing to me in the past couple of months that I have found it affecting every aspect of my life. When I go to school I don't feel the need to introduce myself to my classmates. When I'm standing next to someone in line I don't feel the need to strike up a conversation just because it's quiet. I don't feel the need to not be the weird, anti-social kid that I've been for years and years and been pretending otherwise. I mean I'd like to at least be considered polite enough, but other than that I am essentially a cave monster. It's great.
When I've talked to people about stuff like this before I often wind up talking about regret. People tell me that I'm just afraid of socializing and it's causing me to live a life I might regret in the future. People talk about how we always regret the things we didn't do more than the things we tried and failed to do. I say that's bullshit. I can't remember 99% of the social gatherings I decided not to attend, but whenever I am reminded of on that I did I relive little bit and pieces of embarrassing memories in agonizing detail. Perhaps my brain just works differently, but I regret things that I *did* in my life far more than anything I decided to avoid. Also: Yes. I am afraid of certain forms of socializing. I'm also afraid of jumping out of a plane without a parachute, but I don't think either of those fears particularly need confrontation. If I sound defensive it's only because I've had this conversation with people a million times and I'm never able to express myself in a way that is satisfactory.
What I want is to return to a person I was a long time ago who appreciated people from afar instead of having a bunch of friends. I'd like it if I were mostly ignored. I would be a much less unhappy person, and probably generally more pleasant to be around. I know that I have become fairly prickly and I'm sad to have that be the way I interact with my friends. So here I am, trying to change things by writing them down. If writing truly is a destructive process for me perhaps this will be destroying the parts of me I want destroyed.
Of course I might always change my mind about everything in the morning.