Not good enough
I don't know why but this is how I've been feeling lately actually. I know it's pathetic to throw myself a pity party but some events lately just evoked these feelings of inadequacy in me. Never was the first person to be picked or be in the center of a dance item, never was scholarship material and never was the first girl anyone would think to ask to a ball or event. I dont even know how many of my friends i regard as really really really good friends feel the same towards me. Even when i was together w pd, as much I knew he tried to put me as a priority, ultimately it couldn't work out and I had to take a backseat.
“It is as if my life were magically run by two electric currents: joyous positive and despairing negative- which ever is running at the moment dominates my life, floods it.”
Sylvia Plath
I don't really think that i have moodswings but rather its just waves of emotions hitting me and flooding me until I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm trying to shake off all this negativity because I KNOW it's not helping and it wouldn't change anything. I just needed to get it off my chest. Of course im not gonna wallow in self pity , but rather I feel that I should just strive to become a better person for myself and for the people around me. Not to please anyone or become someone I'm not, but just stepping out of my comfort zone, challenging myself and believing that I CAN DO IT. Really hate my body for one. It may sound really superficial but it really does affect how i feel. Big and muscly and just..cellulitey is GROSS FOR A GIRL. Need to really get into a healthy lifestyle and
make desserts and cakes etc a once in a while indulgence and not a norm :/
As Paul Coelho said in the Alchemist, "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. " And I guess I need to stop hesitating and stop thinking I can't even before I try something and believe that I have the ability and strength to do it and do it to the best with no regrets. And whether i am the best is not impoetant as long as it is MY BEST.
I believe that one day, someday, I will find someone who will put me first and love me more than I can ever imagine. Meanwhile it's time to enjoy the rest of my break anddddd drive and get ready for uni LOL
My post is so darn incoherent and filled w grammar mistakes HAHAHA OK WHATEVER IT'S MY BLOG GOODNIGHT