When is it going to go away?

Aug 14, 2008 17:31

I have been dealing with PTSD for a while now. It has effected my job, my social life, my love life, my sleeping patterns, and my ability to live a normal life. I have seen therapists, taken mass amounts of pills, and stopped drinking. So the question is “When is this going to go away?”

Sometimes people think that I am lying. They think that I didn’t see anything, or nothing bad happened while I was gone. I would have to say that is untrue. I don’t need to prove or disprove what happened.

Sometimes people think that I am too sensitive. (I tend to cry when I get too frustrated.) I have dealt with a lot in my life and I think that I am pretty damn resilient. Most of you don’t even know the half of it.

I hate having this stigma. I feel like many people that were my friends have literally turned their backs on me since I have come home. Even now long after the fact I am still dealing with the backlash of that. People are saying things that are totally outrageous.

I have felt at some point that I have gone crazy and didn’t realize it, but everyone around me sees it. I still feel like me …. although I don’t at the same time.

I have always thought of myself as a good person. I try to be there for people when they need me. I try to make most things less of a burden for those around me. I try to be positive and giving.

Sometimes though I have outbursts. When that happens everyone else dismisses all the nice things that I have done and label me a bitch. No one ever thinks what they do or say may effect me, or trigger an unwanted response.

Here is part of an email that my most recent X sent me : “Amber the thing is, when you're nice, you're one of the most loyal, friendly, selfless people around. When you're not nice you're dangerous, hurtful and unpredictable. Being around you kind of feels like Russian roulette to me, 5/6 times you're a great person to be around but that sixth of a time you're not it's too much to handle, and there's no way of knowing when a bullet is in the chamber or not.”

What can I say to that? How can I fix it? I don’t want to be a push over. I don’t want to be a bitch either. I am frustrated and confused. I am just hoping that this will end soon.

End Rant/ Amber
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